Hey fam!! For Lent, I am following the lectionary as part of my morning meditation, and then asking God to reveal to me something to write about pertaining to day's passage. I can't guarantee that I'll be on top of it all forty days but I'm gonna try. This first post is what I wrote this morning (Ash Wednesday morning). I thought this could be a way I could contribute to the group's lenten experience. See ya' tomorrow!!
When I was in junior high, I would pride myself on not being like the kids who cussed and talked about sexual things in the hallway. When I was in high school, I thought highly of myself for not being one of those students who did drugs or listened to Marilyn Manson. When I was in college, I hated myself and I wasn't content with being myself. Over the last few years, I've prided myself on not being like those religious folks who see everything as black or white.
I grew up in Pasadena in a Southern Baptist church. One day, a bunch of folks from the church went to a local hospital that was known to practice abortion. We each carried signs that said things like, "Stop killing babies," and "Abortion is Murder." Inwardly, I was developing my own spiritual protest. Thank you God I'm not like them.
Jesus gives a parable about two men who going to the temple one day. One is a Pharisee, who wraps his life around how well he keeps up the religious rules. The other is a tax collector, or nowadays, an IRS agent. The Pharisee probably sits on the front row, making sure the priest can see him. He probably makes sure his body language is seen by everyone around him as he thanks God that he's not like robbers, or crooks, or adulterers. He tells God of how unlike those sinners, he fasts throughout the week and tithes off of all his income.
The IRS agent is sitting off in the shadows of the temple. He keeps to himself, face in hands, knowing that he has pissed a lot of people off this week. He's sincere and doesn't care about who's sitting in the pews around him. He may have even seized the property of someone sitting in the same room at some time in the last year. He's despised by most.
Jesus tells us that the IRS agent asks God for mercy and admits that he's a sinner. The Pharisee doesn't need mercy and prides himself on not being a sinner. Jesus says that the IRS agent walked home from the temple "made right with God." Jesus closes by saying that when we walk around thinking we're better than everyone else, we fall flat on our faces; but when we are content with being simply ourselves, we become more than ourselves.
Which of these two men am I? I wish I could say that I'm the IRS agent who's sitting sincerely with his face in his hands, kneeling at the feet of mercy. The fact is that I have prejudice in my life. While I don't look down on the "commoners" like the Pharisee did, I think I'm spiritually better than most religious nuts. I still wait for God to pat me on the back for not being one of the pious Sunday preachers who gets his kick out of telling others why they are wrong. Truth be told, when I look down at anybody I will fall flat on my face. There's no telling how long it will take, but I will eventually slam my nose into the ground.
Basically, I'm still not completely content with simply being myself. That being said, I'm selling myself short. When I carry prejudice toward anyone, I'm actually seeing the parts of me that I'm not content with.
If you've paid any attention to the news lately, you know about the former police officer who shot and killed two LAPD officers last week. He's been on the run, and the police believe they've surrounded him in a cabin that "mysteriously" caught on fire. A charred body is lying in that cabin, and the police believe it is him.
How many of us paying attention to this story have thought to ourselves, "God, thank you that I'm not that guy." I've found it thrilling to watch the play-by-play of this story. Last night, I couldn't help myself from reloading the Google News webpage every minute or so to see the latest details of the story. I find the story thrilling because I have completely separated myself from the likes of this deranged man. When stories like this come out, the suspect becomes my scapegoat. I can think to myself as I'm watching the sins unfold, Thank you God I'm not like this criminal. As long as there's somebody out there worse than I am, I can rest assured that my devout religious practices and prayers will hold me up a little while longer. I don't need mercy right now.
Thankfully, I'm getting a little better at admitting how bad I really am. Prejudice has been a part of my life for way too long, and it's gotten to the point where I realize that it just doesn't do for me what I once thought it did. It doesn't bring me peace, it only brings resentment. While I think I'm better than someone else, on the inside I'm afraid of who I really am and who I want to be. Like the IRS agent pleading in the temple, I am in deep need of mercy. I'm a self-centered, egotistical, lust-filled, porno-watching, self-pitied sinner, in need of mercy. There's no amount of prayer or ministry that will fill my need for the mercy that only God can give.
If I can be okay with not being okay, I can become content by simply being myself. And, when I become content with myself, I become more than myself. I've let go of me just enough that a power much greater than myself has some room to work. There's nothing better than contentment, especially for those of us who are living paycheck to paycheck, struggling through the fear of not knowing what we want to do, or how we're going to get there. We have the opportunity to be content still, and it's a peace that fills every crack of our broken lives. Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on us sinners.
No comments:
Post a Comment