Speechless

One of my deepest fears is the fear of running into people I haven't seen in a long time who I used to be close with, especially when the relationship went from full throttle to a halt.

And if I pull back one more layer, the fear is all about being rejected.

My wife and I recently went to Galveston for the weekend, and as we were eating breakfast, I decided to give an old friend a call to see if he was available to hang out. To my surprise, he was, so we met him for coffee. 

We used to be connected at the hip. We dreamt the same dreams, envisioned the same ideas, and did a lot of great stuff together. But we went our separate ways. Alcoholism took me elsewhere while he continued on with his life, searching for meaning and putting into action all the things that I aspired to do. In a lot of ways, I lived vicariously through him.

Have you ever had those kinds of people in your life? They're so energetic, passionate, and driven that you can't help but wanna sort of soak it up without having to go all out. But for some reason, you can't seem to do it on your own. This was my friend and I. He was the doer and I was the dreamer. 

When he answered my call, my plan was to rekindle as much of our relationship as I could over a cup of coffee. He had to get to work, so we only had about 45 minutes. About five minutes into the conversation, it dawned on me that if we were to rekindle anything, it'd have to happen over about a five hour span with a firepit and coffee. And we just didn't have the opportunity. 

I had these feelings surging through my body that ultimately kept me speechless. He had no problem sharing as much as he could in the time alotted, but I didn't know where to start. So, I just stared at him, and back to my wife, and back to him, just hoping the time would end soon.

What is that?

One of my closest friends that I never get to see, and all of a sudden I'm paralyzed mid-conversation and have nothing to say?

What is that??

This is the first time I've really examined that conversation (or lack of), and I realize that it was another instance of fear dominating my actions. Once I realized that we didn't have enough time to give him the perception of me that I wanted him to see, I shut up. It felt futile. 

He went on to share all the different ways his beliefs had changed since the last time I saw him, the books he was currently reading, the job he was currently working, and everything that would seemingly catch two old friends up. But, I was more driven by my need for him to see how successful and important I am than my need to highlight everything that had happened in my life since the last time I saw him.

My body language showed nothing less than disinterest, because when I stop talking it means the most important person in the room has nothing to say. And so, I sat awkwardly, stared awkwardly, and shuffled around in my seat. It was severely uncomfortable. 

What is that?

Well, the short answer is: my self-reliance failed me. 

My ultimate plan was to walk into this conversation and rekindle in a few minutes what would normally take months. And not only did I fail to do this, but he probably left thinking I was crazier now than the last time I saw him.

In a perfect, Jon-is-a-spiritual-guru world, this would've never happened. I would have blown his mind with all of my knowledge, he would've have found no need to talk, and our "relationship" would continue where it left off.

Now that I have a chance to think about it, I may have been just a little controlling and dominant. 

So, why does fear happen? We can list so many different kinds - rejection, failure, financial, the fear of God, the fear of success, the fear of heights, the fear of people, the fear of authority . . . the list goes on and on.

But, if you take away all the different kinds, and just leave the word fear by itself with no companions to cling onto, what do we have?

The failure of self-reliance. In other words, the scary, paralyzing, sobering reality that I can't do blank.

And there's only two things that can fill that gaping hole when the reality sets in: either fear or God.

Now, I must also note that evidently there's a whole population of people out there who haven't had the experience of self-reliance failing them. They've managed to get it right every time. They've managed to use their intellect, their self-will, their own resources to figure out the solution to every problem they've faced. I don't understand this. It's not me. In my mind, they're either living in constant fear or in constant reliance on a higher power. I don't see any middle ground there. 

Back to the point. 

Every day, I experience about a million of these oh-my-god-I-don't-know-what-to-do moments. At work, at home, with friends, with family, you name it.

And all of these moments are red flags of self-reliance failing me. The problem is, about 999,999 of my responses to these moments consist of acting out of fear. Then, there's that one shining star moment in the day where I actually do the right thing - stop, pray, and move on.

Doesn't it seem so much simpler to rely on God instead of fear? 

It does to me, yet everything inside me says to figure it out, turn it over, scan it, analyze it, problem solve, get angry, scream, go smoke a cigarette, and come up with something other than prayer!!

The self is such a good persuader, and evidently prayer is not. 

But, in my experience, prayer has been the one thing that'll get me out of fear and get me moving again. Somehow, it allows me to be okay with my inability to do whatever it is, and moves me along.

I'll close with this final thought, and I apologize if it's too abstract. 

If it weren't for the millions of times that my self has failed me, I would either be dead, in prison, or locked up in an insane asylum. As far as I know, the only reason I've even had the chance to comprehend the existence of God is, I've run out of options. 

The state of constant fear doesn't work anymore. It doesn't motivate me anymore. It doesn't do the things that it once did for me, which was mostly trying to fit square pegs into round holes. I have not, can not, and will not have the ability to gather all of my resources and figure out every single dilemma life throws my way. And I'm doing my best to keep God out of the box that I've been building for 33 years. 

As a result, the moments that have the potential to drive me into a deeper reality with God are the same moments of utter failure - when I can't figure it out, when I can't seem to make it work. 

So, if self-reliance failing me is what ultimately points me to God, then I'll take it every chance I get.