All is Grace (Easter - Day 15)

(Based on John 21:15-25)

On Friday, an author who drastically changed my life passed away from a stroke. His name was Brennan Manning, and over the course of his writings, he spoke thinks into my soul in a way that nobody else had. He was able to form words in places where my heart was silent and dark, and his books were a stepping stone into the life-changing view that "All is Grace."

As an alcoholic, he took me into my own dark alleys, blackouts, and broken relationships. He understood my fear, shame, and terror of waking up the next morning only to have the desire for another drink meet me at my bed stand. For the first time in my life, he built a bridge that connected my inability to stop drinking and the shame that comes with it, to a God who is full of grace and loves me just as I am.

I'm not sad that he's gone, but I'm sad that there just aren't very many voices in the wilderness preaching about the radical concept of grace. He was legendary in being able to shepherd a population of people that included myself who just don't have what it takes to make the spiritual honor roll. He was bold enough to teach a message of grace that had absolutely no strings attached, and the "good news" stayed good all the way through.

I remember being hopelessly fearful of a God who was distantly observing me though a telescope, staying far enough to not be affected by my sin, but close enough to strike me when I was a bad boy. Manning was able to put words into that, to form phrases and stories that dissolved the tension in my way of thinking. I remember being full of shame from my "unforgivable sins" and walking around like a dead man with eyes open and heart black as night. As an alcoholic, but more so as a self-prescribed "sexually immoral beast" who did things I couldn't believe I could ever do, grace found me. The shame that once fed on my heart like parasitic worms, melted away and turned my heart of stone into a heart of flesh.

What he did is what Jesus tells Peter to do in the twenty-first passage of John. He tells Peter to do three things: feed my lambs, shepherd my sheep, and feed my sheep. As an avid fan of Manning's writings, the first book I would ever read was Ragamuffin Gospel. I was a lamb, who had lost the power to think for myself. I threw the book aside when I was done reading, walking away as if I had just experienced some lifeless, meaningless occasion. I was very young in my faith, but I carried myself as a scholar who knew all the answers - a scholar who talked a good talk but knew in his heart that any day now the God of Revenge would tear my life apart for all the nasty things I've done.

The second time I read the book, I was a sheep ready for shepherding. Sitting on the back porch of my apartment, I turned through the pages of the same book as if my life depended on it. Shame has a way of manifesting itself into real, tangible actions. My life was full of those. I would offer up my daily sacrifices every morning of prayer, bible reading, and scripture memorization in the hopes that the God of Anger would hear my cries and refrain from punishing me too badly. But, the words that I read in the book this time around touched my soul. They were strong enough to pierce the hardened wall around my heart that had been set in the concrete of shame, and an ounce of grace trickled in. Someone else understood. I had heard about grace and forgiveness all my life, but it never sunk in. It bounced off my heart like a racquetball. I think by this point, having been barely sober but full of the things that caused me to want to take that first drink, I was ready for an overhaul in my ideas, concepts, and beliefs.

I remember finishing the book, and believing in grace for the first time ever. What was grace? That I found myself in the horrible grips of a progressive illness of alcoholism, running running through peoples' lives like a tornado, and yet God loved me just like I was and demanded nothing in return for it. It was a message that took the burden of law and works and trying to fix my corroding life, and threw it into the dumpster to be never seen again. It was replaced with a "yoke that was easy, a burden that was light," and shame would have no place again. I got on my knees that night, asking God with a bankrupt heart and a terrorized soul to remove the shackles that I had helped put around my own ankles. Grace poured through my veins like new life from a blood transfusion.

The last time I read a book by Manning, I was in Colorado for spring break. I leaned against a boulder in the silent wilderness, and turned the pages of his autobiography, "All is Grace." I was a sheep that needed feeding that day. He took me back through his life, and essentially took me back through my life. I was reminded of where I came from, where I was, and where I was going. I was reminded that my purpose on earth is to share the oft-untold story of radical, scandalous, and offensive grace. I was reminded that I need to keep my nose down and my head up, to avoid the kind of thinking that says, "You're getting close to graduating. Congratulations!"

Brennan Manning left a lasting and profound impression on my heart that I'm sure will help form my path in showing others the same message he's shown me. That nothing we do in this life will turn the God of Love away, that the ragamuffin soul is one that is bankrupt and tormented but more importantly - infused with the heart of God, is the message of scandalous grace.

I hope that more afflicted shepherds like Brennan take courage to let their voices be heard for the masses of ragamuffins who are waiting to hear the message of grace. I hope that I get better at unveiling this mysterious and unexplainable grace to my peers, co-workers, and family. I hope that I stay bankrupt, dependent only on the nourishing and fulfilling bread of God's abundant grace.

Thank you Brennan.