I'm a leader who can't even lead himself, a philosopher who can't keep his own belief systems from crumbling, a child of God who thinks he's a man after God's own heart.
I've created my own crimes along with their own appropriate punishments, and am living in the tension between falling completely into the arms of God and saying, "Screw it all." My mind can't be trusted even in the moments when it seems a little more mature than yesterday, yet I still think I can get by relying solely on it. The days of waking up with an inspired lease on life have been few and far between as of late. In fact, I don't really know how long it's been. I just keep waking up, keep going to the word, keep praying, keep struggling, keep talking, keep writing, keep meditating, keep working, and the days blur together. Weekends become weekdays and weekdays become weekends with no break between.
Getting into the stride with God seems like a mountain I can't climb. I'd rather pontificate and argue about who God is or the proof that God even exists instead of tethering myself into the rapelling ropes and climbing into the foggy distance. But, to get that elusive second spiritual wind, the climb is required. I have to do some climbing.
It's gotten to the point where it doesn't matter if the footlights are in front of me - my attitude is turning sour. Whether eyes are on me or not, I am a broken species of a man controlled by lust, power, and fear. The alcohol is gone and that's a miracle. I haven't screwed anybody over lately, and that's God doing for me what I can't do for myself. I see the glimmers of heaven on earth everywhere, and that in itself is a far cry from the hell I used to make my bed in.
It's the atmosphere that's not right, the atmosphere I'm looking through to see the world. I'm looking through an atmosphere of fear. In my experience, it can be one or the other - love or fear. If the atmosphere I'm looking through is made of particles of fear, love is absent. But who or what can change my atmosphere if I'm the one that can't get my mind straight?
The same God who's delivered me from the prisons of yesterday can deliver me from the prisons of today. It's a journey, not a sprint, and I need an atmosphere change. I need to strap myself in and start climbing the mountain, and stop caring about whether I can see the top, much less the few feet in front of me. I need to stop letting my need to experience God tangibly suck the energy and desire from experiencing God emotionally.
When it comes down to it, it's me I need saving from. God, save me from myself. May I once more be a vessel in union with you, a display of your love, your compassion, and your forgiveness. May I once more be a person who becomes invisible due to your attractive light shining through me.
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