Outpouring (Ordinary Time - Day 6)

2 Corinthians 8:16-24

A couple years ago, there was this huge project put on by a local church to have the biggest cross in Houston. It was deemed "the mark of Houston." Driving down Interstate 45, you can't miss it. It stands above every structure around it. It's big. 

There was another local church that thought it could build an even bigger one. Plans started developing on how a bigger cross could be made, how much money it would cost, and so forth. 

A friend of mine who was part of my church decided to take it on himself to go talk to these pastors. He wanted to know what the driving force behind this sort of thinking was, and why the pastors felt it was so necessary to spend millions of dollars on symbols. The pastor with the biggest cross told my friend that he'd had a vision to build something that stood out to Houston drivers. My friend couldn't really argue with that, because when it comes to visions, it's hard to argue that. What was he going to do, tell the pastor he was wrong in doing what he thought God was telling him to do? 

With the pastor aspiring to build the bigger cross, my friend asked him the same questions. I don't know what resulted from that conversation, but I know the bigger cross never got built. Perhaps it was unsustainable financially, or the pastor changed his mind, I don't know. 

In today's passage, Paul talks about reputation. Specifically, he talks about the church's reputation when it comes to money. He says that he keeps a close eye on scandal. He doesn't want anyone to think that he or anyone he works with spends a penny on themselves. The work that they believe needs to be done gets done, without fundraising and campaign building. There are no salaries or benefits other than the satisfaction that comes with taking good news to people who are dying to hear some. 

But, there is also another key ingredient that Paul and his counterparts had when it came to financial responsibility. They had desperation. They were desperate to share with people what they had found for themselves. They were desperate to share the freedom they had discovered. The two ingredients of desperation and satisfaction were what kept their reputation and their success high. 

Desperation to share something that has changed one's life is something money can't buy. The satisfaction that comes with getting to share that knowledge and application is also something that money can't buy. Whatever money people gave to the church went into sharing this knowledge with the world, and taking care of needs as they came. There wasn't a need for a budget, because everything went outside the walls of the church. 

I don't think Paul was lying when he said they didn't spend a penny on themselves. No salary, no financial benefits or profits. The money required to get the job done depended solely on the desperation of the people to see change in the world. Giving wasn't a static, uneventful, burden. There was transparency because the needs were real and tangible. No one had too much, and no one had too little. The needs were taken care of among each other, not budgeted out as insurance. 

Paul connects reputation with the church's financial stewardship. People were watching the church spend its money just like they do today. I wonder if the world sees a church that spends more money on symbols, buildings, and salaries than on bringing the Kingdom of God to earth through helping the poor, the oppressed, and the marginalized. 

Individuals of that ear, just like today, had to make a living in order to live. When we look at our own budgets, we realize that we just don't have much left over, at least I don't. I don't think Paul is saying that individually, we're not to spend a penny on ourselves. That would require each of us to be homeless, and that's just not very practical. So, we give what we can to the church or the community that we spend our time with. 

The problem as I see it, the church has taken on the characteristics of the average working person. We've put our churches in a position of having administration and building expenses, when they were never intended to have set expenses. The only expenses that were supposed to be involved were the expenses of taking care of the poor and the oppressed. So, instead of having a pool of resources that are used specifically for going out into the world, churches are struggling just to get a few pennies out into the world. The bills and salaries have to get paid. 

I think Paul would agree that it's up to the individual to give as much as they can, but the church should have everything to give. The church wasn't created to be a business, but an outpouring of time, presence, finances, and compassion to the world. It wasn't created to wonder how much or how little salary could be given to the people who in Paul's days volunteered for their roles. The church was created to give everything to the world. 

It's the people who make up the church who can't possibly give all of their resources. They're the ones who have to pay the bills and make a living. The church's living, however, is giving everything away. 

Leaks (Pentecost - Day 5)

2 Corinthians 8:1-16

In today's passage, Paul is trying to pump up the church in Corinth to stay true to their vision. A year prior they developed this vision to bring relief to poor Christians. The had a plan. They were committed. Then, someone in the mix started stirring up trouble. The person started thwarting the operation. The problem became so distracting that the congregation took their eyes off the commitment they had made and honed in on how to discipline the defiant member. 

They're now at the point where they have welcomed the member back, completely forgiving him or her, and helping them back on their feet. But, they have not been able to recapture their vision. They've lost their focus, their ability to dream. 

So, Paul uses his experiences with the churches in Macedonia as motivation for the people of Corinth. He says that he witnessed these churches run into devastating problems. We're not told exactly what they were, except that it left everybody extremely poor. But, Paul says that even though the people were devastatingly poor, they were extremely happy. They started giving more than they could afford to help the people around them. In the end, nothing was left over to the people with the most, and nothing was lacking to the ones with the least. They spent little time worrying about their own poverty, and figured out how to help out the poor around them. They worked shoulder to shoulder with each other, and the deficits of one person were matched with the surpluses of another. 

Paul says that trials came, and instead of keeping quiet and hiding their troubles from the outside world, they decided to open their troubles up. They allowed themselves to be helped, and they devoted themselves to helping others. 

Over the last month or so, my car has been overheating. I can't afford a new radiator. I've been spending all the money I have on coolant that essentially leaks out of the radiator every four to five days. It's been draining every bit of extra money I have. 

I took a friend gigging two weekends ago, and told him that I needed to put some coolant in my car so it wouldn't overheat while we were in the middle of nowhere. As we were driving, he said he could talk to his neighbor about fixing it. I didn't think much about it, but I thought it was nice that he thought about it. I just didn't know if he was serious or not. 

Two days ago, he sent me a text telling me to come over after work so they could work on my car. These guys had begun doing research on the Internet to prepare for my car. They searched Honda forums, asked questions, brainstormed, and had a plan before I even got there! The crazy part about it is, they don't even know me. 

I'd love to say that I was the person bringing relief to the poor Christian, but I am the poor Christian in this case - no money whatsoever to do the necessary work on my car. So, I showed up to my friends house, and his wife made me dinner and coffee. Then, we took the car two houses down and parked it in the neighbor's garage. From 5:00 to 10:30, five of us had a blast "S.L.A.M.-ming." The owner of the garage said that at work they have this phrase called SLAM. It means "Stop. Locate. Assess. Manage." The guy kept saying SLAM throughout the work, applying his own methodical ways of figuring out solutions to problems.

After the problem was diagnosed, two of the neighbors couldn't believe how dirty my car was. They felt it was absolutely necessary to wash it. This was the most humbling part of it all. It was like getting my feet washed, which by the way makes sense. Feet were used to travel in Paul's time, and today it's mostly cars. 

We worked side by side, and my deficits were matched by their surpluses. I was going through a "trial," and instead of me sitting back letting them "work on me," the "project manager" allowed me to play an active part in the whole process. 

This was all voluntary. People I didn't even know banded together to work on something that was causing me grief, and I'm going back today after work. They want to keep going until my car is fixed. They demand it. They won't stop until it's finished. I'm amazed at how selfless these guys are, and they have a great time while they're at it. This is the Church of Redbud. Redbud is the street name. Offerings are made in the form of twelve packs of beer and heavy metal music. 

The blessing for these guys is they get to do what they love - work on an old beat up car. The blessing for me is, I get my feet washed. 

Today's Action: Who is poor among us? Pay attention to any tangible problems that are going on in their lives, and start networking on ways to find a solution. 

Distress (Ordinary Time - Day 4)

2 Corinthians 7:2-16

About a month ago, the pastor at my church got in front of the congregation with the music pastor by his side. He broke the news that the music pastor would be stepping down, that he was "transitioning." It seemed very vague and uncertain, like the pastor was holding something back from the audience. I sat in my chair, wondering why I hadn't known about his before - why no one came and asked me my opinion about the whole deal. 

I walked away thinking it was another show of church beurocracy. Another decision was made behind closed doors, without the input of the people, specifically my input. After all, was I not a vital part of this community? Were my opinions not valid? I began filling out comment cards with suggestions about how things should be run, and I saw everything through this lens of bearocratic religion. My head and my heart were distressed not because the music pastor was stepping down, but because no one had informed me about it before the decision was made. 

This situation mentally drove me away from the community. Although I still showed up, I looked at the leadership and elders as elitists. I thought everyone was being two-faced, saying one thing in public and doing the opposite in private. I sensed this huge gap between the people of the church and the leadership. I was determined to make it right by engaging in conversations over coffee, trying to convince other people that everyone should have a say in the decision making process and not just a few elders. 

What I found was that I was driving myself mad trying to change what I didn't like. I was angry about the way things had played out, and didn't take the time to find out why I was angry. So, I reacted by bad-mouthing the decision and the leadership structure. The distress was driving me away from wanting to be an effective player in the community, and driving me away from the belief that the church is just as messed up as anything else. I'd come to the conclusion that the leaders of the church had higher standards than people that I work with or play with. If they didn't meet my expectations, then they were wrong, and I would act accordingly. 

While this situation wasn't driving me physically away from the church, it was driving me spiritually away. I didn't realize how much anger was in my heart until a month after the pastor's speech. I didn't realize how much that few minutes was affecting the way that I interacted with and viewed the church. I didn't realize that I had work to do, and that my anger had nothing to do with what anyone else did.

In the moment I realized that I needed to work on my own heart and quit trying to fix the broken things around me, I gave up. I sat down and did the work that I normally do in situations like this. I wrote down why I was angry. I wrote down how it affected the following areas of my life: self esteem, pocketbook, personal relations, pride, ambitions, and security. Then, I wrote down where I was at fault or blame.

After doing this, I realized that I had been giving money with strings attached. Since I had helped pay the pastor's salary, I deserved to be included in these kinds of conversations. I invested, and wanted a return. I gave expecting something in return. The second part of my fault was, I didn't just want to be heard but I wanted to be the director. I wanted people to do what I wanted, and I didn't really consider the needs of the whole. Until I sit down and find out why I'm offended or angry about something, I'm living my life cut off from spiritual growth. I start figuring out ways to bring change based off the anger in my heart instead of a pure desire to create spaces of harmony and grace.

Living with reactive anger is not sustainable. It drives me away from love, and love is God. 

The reality is, my freedom to live out what I believe cannot be taken away. It can be threatened, depending on how much I let it be threatened, but it can't be stolen. In this situation, I was letting a situation that was out of my control affect the way I lived. I let it threaten my ability to live out what I believe, and it drove me away from love. 

On Sunday, I sat down with my sponsor and confessed to him where I had messed up. I told him why I was angry and how it affected me, and I told him where I was at fault. He understood what I was saying, and gave me some good advice. 

Distress has a way of doing two things: driving me away, and then driving me toward God. I'm glad that my head eventually pops out of my ass in time to see that I am trying to be God. When I give up trying to control the things I don't like and just focus on how I live and act, I start seeing the pathways to harmony and peace. When I keep trying to manipulate the world around me to live the way I want it to, I'm full of restlessness and discontentment. 

Today's Action: What's one thing that's bringing distress today? Write down the following on a blank piece of paper. Then, discuss it with someone and ask them afterward what should be done to make it right again?

Why am I angry or irritated?

How does it affect my self esteem?

How does it affect my pocketbook?

How does it affect my personal relations?

How does it affect my pride?

How does it affect my ambitions?

How does it affect my security? 

How does it affect my sex relations?

Where am I at fault or blame?

Lost (Ordinary Time - Day 3)

Black Mustard Seeds

2 Corinthians 6:3-7:1

People are watching us when we're . . . alert, unswerving, in hard times, in tough times, in bad times, beaten up, jailed, mobbed, working hard, working late, working without eating, pure hearted, clear headed, steady handed, gentle, holy, loving honestly, telling the truth, allowing God to show power, doing our best to set things right, praised, blamed, slandered, honored, true to our word, distrusted, terrifically alive, rumored to be dead, refusing to die, filled with deep joy, living on handouts, enriching others, living with nothing, and living with everything.

If five of our closest friends were interviewed, what would they say about us?

Would they say that we've entered a wide-open and spacious life? Would they say we're living openly and expansively? 

Or

Would they say we're living small?

As human beings, we have this one unique thing that separates us from the animal and plant kingdoms . . . passion.

We have the ability to be good at something, to thrive at something, and to open ourselves up to lives that are so free and wide open that the people around us want what we have. 

I play harmonica every once in awhile at my church. Because I love playing the harmonica and singing, I get up on the stage and get lost in a dimension that I can't experience unless I'm playing the harmonica and singing. 

When I wake up in the morning to write, no matter how much I've slept (last night I got 4.5 hours), I get lost in a world that can't be experienced unless I wake up.

When I write or play harmonica, I'm connecting with a source of life inside of me that catapults me into an existence that I can't experience any other way. 

But then, there's this problem. Purpose. Sometimes, or most of the time, we think our purposes can't possibly have anything to do with our passions. We go to school, study for courses that we're not passionate about, get jobs that don't match our ambitions, hang out with people who settle for smallness. Yet, the voice inside keeps insisting that somewhere back there, we missed something. We stopped listening. We stopped thriving. We stopped playing.

We start listening instead to the narrative of smallness. We start out with huge, ambitious ideas that money will make up for the absence of passion. We put our dreams and our creative energies aside, saying to ourselves, "I'll just get myself situated first."

The more we stay away from our passions and the things that bring us life, the more we start hearing a different narrative, a narrative that seems to sweep people away without their even noticing. Perhaps you've heard the narrative and you're already falling in line. It says, "You won't make any money doing that . . . you can't make a living doing that . . . you need to go to school . . . you need to build your resume if you want to be successful."

Perhaps we've listened and become convinced that this narrative leads to life and fulfillment, but months and years later we're banging our heads against the wall wondering, What happened?

Back to the part earlier about our uniqueness from the animal and plant kingdoms. We have the opportunity to follow our passions with unlimited zeal and drive. The only thing stopping us is . . . us. When we connect with the voice that keeps reminding us of what gives us life, and listen to it, and start doing it, we connect with God. Because, following God and following the voice inside that leads us to life-giving adventures and endeavors are synonymous with each other. They are one and the same. 

We've already been given all the clues we need to finding God, because we need look no further than what we love to do - what brings us life, what makes us get lost in another dimension. We have the opportunity to build our lives around this, to sink our teeth into it, to lose ourselves in this journey. God is calling. Are we listening or are we settling for smallness?

Today's Action: Write down two things that - when we do them - we get lost in another dimension. Then, write down where we would like to go with these two things. How far are we willing to go? Then, make a list of what we're going to do to get there. Then, start with the first thing today, taking one step at a time.

I May Be A Christian As Of Today

I don't know if this will make sense tomorrow.  I just told Kim that I just may have become a Christian.  Here's how.  The envy of not being in the sacred beautiful places where people who I know are and cannot or do not share with me dropped away.  It fell off me.  It was replaced by joy for them in those places.  I want to cherish their good time even if I can't be there, even if I am left out.  Also, in the other direction, the anger over not being able to share the places I find sacred dropped.  Still, I want to share, and learn to share.

The source of life I find in my sacred spots is the same source they receive.  I want to celebrate that.  I want to walk in that and have it naturally emanate from my being that it is all good.

A simple example - A pastor who I really looked up to, off and left to beautiful Washington State.  Why couldn't I have said, "Oh, Wonderful!  The mountains!  God bless."

I say, "I may be a Christian as of today."  What happened?

... shoot, I just got -----real----- sleepy.  I just fell asleep while holding the keyboard.

Agnostically Christian (Ordinary Time - Day 2)

2 Corinthians 5:11-6:2

The purpose of this blog used to be very different from the purpose it has today. I only need to go back a year or so to find that what I centered my beliefs around was this idea that there was a battle to be won. There was a whole population of people who were doing it wrong, and it was my goal to expose it and bring them to the light. This concept stemmed directly from my conception of God at the time. 

Specifically, my thoughts were directed to Christians with a lot of money. I couldn't stand how these people were driving Mercedes, living in mansions, and how their churches were spending millions of dollars to promote themselves. Meanwhile, I was living in poverty (and still am), because that's what God said to do. That meant that I was following God and these other people weren't. I needed to let them know that. I also needed to let people whom I considered anti-gay know that they were wrong. I also needed to let people whom I considered patriotic know that their hearts were serving the wrong master. My writing and thoughts were centered around differences between me and them.

As time went by, I had to hit a bottom in this sort of thinking. I had to come to grips with my own prejudice. Yes, this way of thinking was completely prejudice. While I lived out what I believed, I condemned the people I thought were wrong - the wealthy, "do good", patriotic, Republican, anti-gay, pro-life Christians. I had somehow taken my belief systems and said, "This is God for everybody." 

This way of thinking wasn't sustainable. Why? Because I couldn't sit in a room with people who thought differently than me without losing my mind. There was a whole population of people all around me who I couldn't carry a conversation with because I was so prejudiced against them. While I thought I was "doing it right" the whole time, I was suffering from my own lack of open-mindedness. 

Thanks to some awesome people, books, podcasts, and Alcoholics Anonymous, my eyes opened to the reality that even though I was living pretty radically when it came to living below my means, I was living out of a reaction of prejudice. 

The way I lived wasn't based out of a center of love, but reaction. I didn't like how other Christians were representing the God I believed in, so I started living differently. What this did was give me the ammunition and the leverage to start speaking out against those I disagreed with. My words were not based out of love but hate. You can see for yourself if you take a look through some of my older blogs. People would even tell me that my writing was angry, but I wrote it off as another mark of progress. 

The center of my being was living out of reaction and opposition instead of grace and love. When I stopped drinking and started looking inside myself, I realized how agnostic I was. The byproducts of my faith looked the same as one who calls himself an agnostic. I hated the church, religious systems, and the people who represented them. But, I believed in a Power greater than myself, or, God. 

It wasn't until I made amends with a local pastor I had written about, that my turning point happened. He told me something that was so simple, yet so profound to my life. After I admitted to him that I had said bad things about him and tried to get people to dislike him, I asked him what I could do to make it right. He said, "Tell the truth." 

The truth was that I didn't know how to write without having a battle to fight. I didn't know how to say something nice in my writing. I knew how to pick a fight and let people know how wrong they were. 

In order for this change to happen, I had to dive into the scriptures for myself and at the same time start letting go of everything I thought I knew about God, Jesus, Christianity, the Church, and all the vocabulary that came with it. I had to start redefining the faith I had accepted earlier in life, and start developing my own. I couldn't afford to believe in a God who favored one group over the other, so I took a step back from any form of writing because I knew I wouldn't say anything helpful. I started changing the way I interacted with people who thought differently than me. Instead of getting the last word, I started asking questions. I began letting people share their belief systems so that I could practice listening and learning how to be more open-minded. 

There were times that I would feel the rage inside me start building up to refute what I was hearing, and several times I did react. But the more I practiced asking questions and having open dialogues about faith and spirituality, the more I learned that everyone is in on this deal.

In today's passage, Paul talks about how he centers around the idea that God loves everyone, and forgave everyone through the Messiah Jesus. He no longer looks at what people have or what they look like. He tries to see the inside. He understands that what we have or look like isn't the best gauge of the heart. 

When I define people by what they have, how rich or poor, how spiritual or not, how outspoken or quiet, I am missing the point. I am avoiding the hard work of trying to look inside, to see the image of God that resides in both of us. I am centering around a God who shows favoritism and loves people based on what they have or look like. 

The pastor I made amends with that day completely changed my thinking. Even though I still disagree with him about most topics, he taught me that in order to tell the truth, I don't have to harm other people. I don't have to use my talents in a way that hurts others or exposes their defects or flaws. I don't have to hurt people whom I disagree with. There is a way to co-exist with people I disagree with. It's all about where I'm centered. Is God for everyone or only for people who think like I do?

Today's Action: Today, there will be at least one opportunity to share spiritual dialogue. For one conversation, be a question asker and learn what the other person believes. Find the common ground that exists because of a God who loves everyone. 

Rainforest (Pentecost - Day 14)

This is Cattail Falls in Big Bend National Park,
where this story took place.

(Based on 2 Corinthians 4:13-5:10)

I went to Big Bend National Park a couple summers ago and camped with my brother and dad. We hiked a bunch of different trails, but there is one that I will never forget because of what I experienced. I went down the same trail twice, the first time with them and the second time by myself.

The first time we hiked this trail, it was about 110 degrees outside. There were two options for this trail. The first was a six mile hike that started at camp, and the second was a two mile hike that you could drive up to. We took the two mile trip. The trip to the waterfall was really nothing to write home about. When we arrived to the falls, they were a trickle over some rocks. The best part about it was the fresh pool of water gathered underneath the falls, so we all took off our packs and took a swim. The water was frigid, so it felt nice after being in the hot sun. It didn't make sense to me though how the air around us was so hot, yet the water was probably fifty degrees. My legs and feet quickly went numb it was so cold. After the refreshing dip, we rested for awhile and enjoyed the shade trees, preparing ourselves to get back into the blistering sun. 

As we were walking back, the clouds started piling over us and the wind started blowing really hard. The temperature dropped forty degrees in about twenty minutes. What started as a treacherous, sun-ridden journey became a bizarre weather change. The rain and wind made us walk faster and faster, and the lightning made us want to move even faster. It was freezing, and all I wanted to do was get in the car and turn on the heater. This was August, the middle of the summer in the desert. Although the weather provided quite an adventure, what we had gone to see was the waterfall, and it just wasn't moving that day. It was pretty much a disappointment.

I decided the next day that I would take the six mile trip back to the waterfall. It was way harder than I expected because I had loaded my backpack to the brim, and I rigged a folding chair to it as well. It became real heavy real fast. This trail took me up and over one of the peaks in the park, and most of the trip required taking switchbacks all the way down the other side. The hardest part of the trip was the sun, and not knowing how far I had gone or how far I had left. 

I eventually got to the point where I could see the valley forming that led to the waterfall. As I creeped closer and closer, I heard the sound of a low roar coming through the valley. I figured it was the wind blowing through the trees. As I drew nearer, I noticed the noise seemed to get louder, but the wind speed didn't seem to change. The most I was looking forward to was sitting in the cool shade near the waterfall, just to escape the sun for a coupe hours and read my book. What I didn't know was that the rain from yesterday had turned what yesterday was a trickle into a full-blown, white waterfall today. 

As I turned my last corner, I saw mist floating through the trees. It made me walk faster, as I couldn't wait to see what had become of yesterday's disappointment. I got closer, and noticed that the creek that was dry yesterday was now flowing rapidly and was deep. When I got close enough to see the waterfall, I ran to it. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't trickling today. It was pouring over the cliff above, and slamming into the rocks below. I couldn't even get to the water we had swam in yesterday because the water was falling so hard. When I got to a spot close enough that I could taste the mist but not get drenched, I threw my pack down. 

I was blown away. My expectations for this trip were blown out of the water. From what I saw the day before, there was no way I could have expected the complete opposite. Yet, here it was right in front of me. There are no words to describe what was going on in my heart in that moment. I wanted to cry, but I was extremely happy. It was a literal oasis in the desert. A few hundred yards back was scorching, sandy trail, and where I stood now was a rainforest. All the problems going on in my life disappeared. I was sitting in heaven, and I was alone. It was like God and I met each other face to face, and I was speechlessly happy. I sat in my folding chair and let the mist cover me, amazed at what was happening before my eyes. 

What happened that day was a glimpse of heaven. I had been expecting a disappointment, and got a celebration. I had been expecting a trickle, and got a white, rushing, boisterous waterfall. I had traveled through hell and entered into heaven. 

Paul says in 2 Corinthians that the troubles we face here on earth are small potatoes compared to the celebration that is to come. He says that we've each been given a little piece of heaven in our hearts to whet our whistles and give us glimpses of what's waiting for us. 

Usually the glimpse of heaven has to be made pretty obvious to me. I get so bogged down with car trouble, financial insecurity, school, and everything else in life that I forget this is not it. There's more to come. It may be a trickle today, but just wait long enough and endure a little more and there will be a waterfall. There will be an oasis. 

We live out what we believe. Paul encourages us to pay attention to the glimpses of heaven that are trying to catch our eyes every day. He encourages us to remember that even though this life looks more like getting stranded on the side of the road and having to stopover in a run-down shack, we've been given a piece of heaven in our hearts. While on the outside it looks like we're falling apart and the world's imploding on top of us, our insides are being made new. There is more to come, and it's bigger than we could ever imagine. Just hang on.

Today's Action: Whatever problem comes my way, I'm going to thank God that it's just temporary and nothing compared to the celebration to come.