Agnostically Christian (Ordinary Time - Day 2)

2 Corinthians 5:11-6:2

The purpose of this blog used to be very different from the purpose it has today. I only need to go back a year or so to find that what I centered my beliefs around was this idea that there was a battle to be won. There was a whole population of people who were doing it wrong, and it was my goal to expose it and bring them to the light. This concept stemmed directly from my conception of God at the time. 

Specifically, my thoughts were directed to Christians with a lot of money. I couldn't stand how these people were driving Mercedes, living in mansions, and how their churches were spending millions of dollars to promote themselves. Meanwhile, I was living in poverty (and still am), because that's what God said to do. That meant that I was following God and these other people weren't. I needed to let them know that. I also needed to let people whom I considered anti-gay know that they were wrong. I also needed to let people whom I considered patriotic know that their hearts were serving the wrong master. My writing and thoughts were centered around differences between me and them.

As time went by, I had to hit a bottom in this sort of thinking. I had to come to grips with my own prejudice. Yes, this way of thinking was completely prejudice. While I lived out what I believed, I condemned the people I thought were wrong - the wealthy, "do good", patriotic, Republican, anti-gay, pro-life Christians. I had somehow taken my belief systems and said, "This is God for everybody." 

This way of thinking wasn't sustainable. Why? Because I couldn't sit in a room with people who thought differently than me without losing my mind. There was a whole population of people all around me who I couldn't carry a conversation with because I was so prejudiced against them. While I thought I was "doing it right" the whole time, I was suffering from my own lack of open-mindedness. 

Thanks to some awesome people, books, podcasts, and Alcoholics Anonymous, my eyes opened to the reality that even though I was living pretty radically when it came to living below my means, I was living out of a reaction of prejudice. 

The way I lived wasn't based out of a center of love, but reaction. I didn't like how other Christians were representing the God I believed in, so I started living differently. What this did was give me the ammunition and the leverage to start speaking out against those I disagreed with. My words were not based out of love but hate. You can see for yourself if you take a look through some of my older blogs. People would even tell me that my writing was angry, but I wrote it off as another mark of progress. 

The center of my being was living out of reaction and opposition instead of grace and love. When I stopped drinking and started looking inside myself, I realized how agnostic I was. The byproducts of my faith looked the same as one who calls himself an agnostic. I hated the church, religious systems, and the people who represented them. But, I believed in a Power greater than myself, or, God. 

It wasn't until I made amends with a local pastor I had written about, that my turning point happened. He told me something that was so simple, yet so profound to my life. After I admitted to him that I had said bad things about him and tried to get people to dislike him, I asked him what I could do to make it right. He said, "Tell the truth." 

The truth was that I didn't know how to write without having a battle to fight. I didn't know how to say something nice in my writing. I knew how to pick a fight and let people know how wrong they were. 

In order for this change to happen, I had to dive into the scriptures for myself and at the same time start letting go of everything I thought I knew about God, Jesus, Christianity, the Church, and all the vocabulary that came with it. I had to start redefining the faith I had accepted earlier in life, and start developing my own. I couldn't afford to believe in a God who favored one group over the other, so I took a step back from any form of writing because I knew I wouldn't say anything helpful. I started changing the way I interacted with people who thought differently than me. Instead of getting the last word, I started asking questions. I began letting people share their belief systems so that I could practice listening and learning how to be more open-minded. 

There were times that I would feel the rage inside me start building up to refute what I was hearing, and several times I did react. But the more I practiced asking questions and having open dialogues about faith and spirituality, the more I learned that everyone is in on this deal.

In today's passage, Paul talks about how he centers around the idea that God loves everyone, and forgave everyone through the Messiah Jesus. He no longer looks at what people have or what they look like. He tries to see the inside. He understands that what we have or look like isn't the best gauge of the heart. 

When I define people by what they have, how rich or poor, how spiritual or not, how outspoken or quiet, I am missing the point. I am avoiding the hard work of trying to look inside, to see the image of God that resides in both of us. I am centering around a God who shows favoritism and loves people based on what they have or look like. 

The pastor I made amends with that day completely changed my thinking. Even though I still disagree with him about most topics, he taught me that in order to tell the truth, I don't have to harm other people. I don't have to use my talents in a way that hurts others or exposes their defects or flaws. I don't have to hurt people whom I disagree with. There is a way to co-exist with people I disagree with. It's all about where I'm centered. Is God for everyone or only for people who think like I do?

Today's Action: Today, there will be at least one opportunity to share spiritual dialogue. For one conversation, be a question asker and learn what the other person believes. Find the common ground that exists because of a God who loves everyone.