Distress (Ordinary Time - Day 4)

2 Corinthians 7:2-16

About a month ago, the pastor at my church got in front of the congregation with the music pastor by his side. He broke the news that the music pastor would be stepping down, that he was "transitioning." It seemed very vague and uncertain, like the pastor was holding something back from the audience. I sat in my chair, wondering why I hadn't known about his before - why no one came and asked me my opinion about the whole deal. 

I walked away thinking it was another show of church beurocracy. Another decision was made behind closed doors, without the input of the people, specifically my input. After all, was I not a vital part of this community? Were my opinions not valid? I began filling out comment cards with suggestions about how things should be run, and I saw everything through this lens of bearocratic religion. My head and my heart were distressed not because the music pastor was stepping down, but because no one had informed me about it before the decision was made. 

This situation mentally drove me away from the community. Although I still showed up, I looked at the leadership and elders as elitists. I thought everyone was being two-faced, saying one thing in public and doing the opposite in private. I sensed this huge gap between the people of the church and the leadership. I was determined to make it right by engaging in conversations over coffee, trying to convince other people that everyone should have a say in the decision making process and not just a few elders. 

What I found was that I was driving myself mad trying to change what I didn't like. I was angry about the way things had played out, and didn't take the time to find out why I was angry. So, I reacted by bad-mouthing the decision and the leadership structure. The distress was driving me away from wanting to be an effective player in the community, and driving me away from the belief that the church is just as messed up as anything else. I'd come to the conclusion that the leaders of the church had higher standards than people that I work with or play with. If they didn't meet my expectations, then they were wrong, and I would act accordingly. 

While this situation wasn't driving me physically away from the church, it was driving me spiritually away. I didn't realize how much anger was in my heart until a month after the pastor's speech. I didn't realize how much that few minutes was affecting the way that I interacted with and viewed the church. I didn't realize that I had work to do, and that my anger had nothing to do with what anyone else did.

In the moment I realized that I needed to work on my own heart and quit trying to fix the broken things around me, I gave up. I sat down and did the work that I normally do in situations like this. I wrote down why I was angry. I wrote down how it affected the following areas of my life: self esteem, pocketbook, personal relations, pride, ambitions, and security. Then, I wrote down where I was at fault or blame.

After doing this, I realized that I had been giving money with strings attached. Since I had helped pay the pastor's salary, I deserved to be included in these kinds of conversations. I invested, and wanted a return. I gave expecting something in return. The second part of my fault was, I didn't just want to be heard but I wanted to be the director. I wanted people to do what I wanted, and I didn't really consider the needs of the whole. Until I sit down and find out why I'm offended or angry about something, I'm living my life cut off from spiritual growth. I start figuring out ways to bring change based off the anger in my heart instead of a pure desire to create spaces of harmony and grace.

Living with reactive anger is not sustainable. It drives me away from love, and love is God. 

The reality is, my freedom to live out what I believe cannot be taken away. It can be threatened, depending on how much I let it be threatened, but it can't be stolen. In this situation, I was letting a situation that was out of my control affect the way I lived. I let it threaten my ability to live out what I believe, and it drove me away from love. 

On Sunday, I sat down with my sponsor and confessed to him where I had messed up. I told him why I was angry and how it affected me, and I told him where I was at fault. He understood what I was saying, and gave me some good advice. 

Distress has a way of doing two things: driving me away, and then driving me toward God. I'm glad that my head eventually pops out of my ass in time to see that I am trying to be God. When I give up trying to control the things I don't like and just focus on how I live and act, I start seeing the pathways to harmony and peace. When I keep trying to manipulate the world around me to live the way I want it to, I'm full of restlessness and discontentment. 

Today's Action: What's one thing that's bringing distress today? Write down the following on a blank piece of paper. Then, discuss it with someone and ask them afterward what should be done to make it right again?

Why am I angry or irritated?

How does it affect my self esteem?

How does it affect my pocketbook?

How does it affect my personal relations?

How does it affect my pride?

How does it affect my ambitions?

How does it affect my security? 

How does it affect my sex relations?

Where am I at fault or blame?