The other night I was at my friend's house, and I received a phone call.
It was supposed to be a time of worship, of fellowship, and gratitude,
but as I sat there on the phone and listened to the voice coming from the other end, my heart sank.
My mind went to that horrible wasteland of a place, and I lost the ability to participate in life that night.
The next morning, it was still there. And today, it's still there.
The problem with the phone call wasn't that the news I received was all that bad. It's that I have a mind that will take the smallest comments, disapprovals, and corrections, and turn them into statues that I can worship for days.
And so, the guitar played, the voices sang, and I sat there looking like I was in a deep state of worship. But inside, I was cursing the world. It had wronged me. I was a victim.
I was a failure, a flaw, a fuck up.
And while I was on that phone call, another phone call came, and another, and I couldn't save the world, I couldn't manage my affairs, and I couldn't manage all the responsibilities I had taken on. I wanted to throw my phone against the wall to end the madness. But, I didn't. I acted like everything was fine.
I wouldn't want you to know how things really are would I?
I wouldn't want to expose my weakness, my flaws. I wouldn't want to let all those people down who I've been convincing that I'm Jesus with skin on would I?
It's amazing how a simple phone call can send me on a downhill spiral of silent scorn and depression in a matter of minutes, and it can become a snowball for several days, picking up bits of every little irritation, doubt, and discontentment in its path, until it becomes so big and so massive that it sweeps me right up with all the other clamors it sucks in.
Gratitude? not there.
Worship? goodbye.
I'm convinced that there are people out there who really don't need God. They say it, they believe it, and they are convinced themselves.
There are also people out there who don't need to down a thirty pack in order to drink and be satisfied.
I'm not like either of these people.
I need God, and, I need more than one beer to satisfy me if I'm to take a drink. One's too many and twenty's not enough.
A few years back, I wouldn't have been able to withstand the self-imposed crises of life without taking a drink. It's a miracle I've made it this far. Through all the bullshit. Through all the financial difficulties. Through all the petty problems that my mind blows up into nightmares.
And, part of letting God have the final say in my life right now is, getting rid of this notion in my head that I don't need to do certain things
like
praying before answering the phone.
The unique thing about phone calls is, there's no way of knowing what's going to come from the other end. It could be good. could be bad. could require a complete change of plans. yet, I answer unthinkingly, unprepared for the unexpected.
And what usually happens?
I'm caught off guard.
And the phone call this week led to a litany of phone calls throughout the week.
And each time, I thought I had what it took to handle whatever problem or change of plans was to come. I was only fooling myself.
As stupid as it sounds, I have to pray before each phone call that I make or receive.
I'm tired of being a pinball, uncentered, bouncing around from request to request, being unprepared for the unexpected.
I've been letting too many people and situations take up space in my head, and it's gotten to the point where I woke up this morning entertaining the thought of a nice rum and coke.
And how convenient that I'm about to go to a wedding, on a boat, with no way out . . .
except there is a way out.
I can say no, and run away, and never look back.
But that's the old way of doing things.
Do I want to trust God or trust myself?
Trusting myself would mean to run from my problems, but trusting God would mean facing my problems head on, prayed up, prepared for the unexpected.
And what comes from being prayed up and prepared for the unexpected?
Rest.
I've been restless this week. I've been trying to apply to my petty problems all the will power I can muster, and it just hasn't been enough. My will power has a way of enlarging the problems, when all I had to do in the first place was pray a simple prayer or say a simple thing, or do a simple act.
Simplicity.
Entering God's rest is having the awareness to realize that I can't manage the most miniscule things in life like talking on the phone. And it's being able to pray "thy will be done" as many times each day that it takes to let go of my affinity for attacking life's problems on my own.
Today's Action: Before every phone call, ask God to direct my thinking and to divorce it from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives.
It was supposed to be a time of worship, of fellowship, and gratitude,
but as I sat there on the phone and listened to the voice coming from the other end, my heart sank.
My mind went to that horrible wasteland of a place, and I lost the ability to participate in life that night.
The next morning, it was still there. And today, it's still there.
The problem with the phone call wasn't that the news I received was all that bad. It's that I have a mind that will take the smallest comments, disapprovals, and corrections, and turn them into statues that I can worship for days.
And so, the guitar played, the voices sang, and I sat there looking like I was in a deep state of worship. But inside, I was cursing the world. It had wronged me. I was a victim.
I was a failure, a flaw, a fuck up.
And while I was on that phone call, another phone call came, and another, and I couldn't save the world, I couldn't manage my affairs, and I couldn't manage all the responsibilities I had taken on. I wanted to throw my phone against the wall to end the madness. But, I didn't. I acted like everything was fine.
I wouldn't want you to know how things really are would I?
I wouldn't want to expose my weakness, my flaws. I wouldn't want to let all those people down who I've been convincing that I'm Jesus with skin on would I?
It's amazing how a simple phone call can send me on a downhill spiral of silent scorn and depression in a matter of minutes, and it can become a snowball for several days, picking up bits of every little irritation, doubt, and discontentment in its path, until it becomes so big and so massive that it sweeps me right up with all the other clamors it sucks in.
Gratitude? not there.
Worship? goodbye.
I'm convinced that there are people out there who really don't need God. They say it, they believe it, and they are convinced themselves.
There are also people out there who don't need to down a thirty pack in order to drink and be satisfied.
I'm not like either of these people.
I need God, and, I need more than one beer to satisfy me if I'm to take a drink. One's too many and twenty's not enough.
A few years back, I wouldn't have been able to withstand the self-imposed crises of life without taking a drink. It's a miracle I've made it this far. Through all the bullshit. Through all the financial difficulties. Through all the petty problems that my mind blows up into nightmares.
And, part of letting God have the final say in my life right now is, getting rid of this notion in my head that I don't need to do certain things
like
praying before answering the phone.
The unique thing about phone calls is, there's no way of knowing what's going to come from the other end. It could be good. could be bad. could require a complete change of plans. yet, I answer unthinkingly, unprepared for the unexpected.
And what usually happens?
I'm caught off guard.
And the phone call this week led to a litany of phone calls throughout the week.
And each time, I thought I had what it took to handle whatever problem or change of plans was to come. I was only fooling myself.
As stupid as it sounds, I have to pray before each phone call that I make or receive.
I'm tired of being a pinball, uncentered, bouncing around from request to request, being unprepared for the unexpected.
I've been letting too many people and situations take up space in my head, and it's gotten to the point where I woke up this morning entertaining the thought of a nice rum and coke.
And how convenient that I'm about to go to a wedding, on a boat, with no way out . . .
except there is a way out.
I can say no, and run away, and never look back.
But that's the old way of doing things.
Do I want to trust God or trust myself?
Trusting myself would mean to run from my problems, but trusting God would mean facing my problems head on, prayed up, prepared for the unexpected.
And what comes from being prayed up and prepared for the unexpected?
Rest.
I've been restless this week. I've been trying to apply to my petty problems all the will power I can muster, and it just hasn't been enough. My will power has a way of enlarging the problems, when all I had to do in the first place was pray a simple prayer or say a simple thing, or do a simple act.
Simplicity.
Entering God's rest is having the awareness to realize that I can't manage the most miniscule things in life like talking on the phone. And it's being able to pray "thy will be done" as many times each day that it takes to let go of my affinity for attacking life's problems on my own.
Today's Action: Before every phone call, ask God to direct my thinking and to divorce it from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives.
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