Paralysis

"I tell you this: Do not worry about your life. Do not worry about what you are going to eat and drink. Do not worry about what you are going to wear. Is not life more important than food? Is not the body more important than clothes?" Matthew 6:25 New Life Bible

 "Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble." Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 68

A couple of years ago, I was completely out of money. I had no idea how I was gonna put gas in the car to get to work. And so, I was full of anxiety about how the finances were gonna work out with a week left until my next paycheck. As I laid in bed, thinking up ways I could find the money to get gas, I remembered I had an envelope full of money next to my bed. The only problem was, the money wasn't mine. I was the treasurer for the recovery group I was a part of, so naturally I had cash stashed by my bedside. It was the perfect solution. Nobody would know. 

So, I just took a little bit - enough to get some gas. It was only about $30. No harm, no foul. Except, there was harm involved. First of all, I had to justify in my head why it was okay to steal someone else's money for my own gain. I obviously need it, I'd repeat to myself. Besides, they would want me to do this if they knew the kind of financial straits I'm in. And so, I was able to escape the mental anguish by convincing myself I hadn't done anything wrong. 

But that led to more problems. Every time I saw my friends, I couldn't bear the fact that I was holding a secret. It blocked me from being authentic with them. Every time we had a meeting, I felt like I had to lie about more things, and much simpler things. I'll just keep my conversations to a minimum. Nobody will know.

This went on for about six months and fear drove me to manipulate my conversations, to avoid talking about money, and especially to avoid confessing to the group. 

Finally, the day came when I knew I had to say something. 

And so, after the meeting one night, I gathered everyone together and told them what I'd done. To my surprise, everybody laughed it off. They were unbelievably gracious, and all they asked was if I paid it back. I told them I had (which wasn't a lie), and it was over. Forgiven. 

Fear drives me to lie, cheat, and steal. 

Right now, as I stand silently on the balcony of my apartment, I'm full of fear. I'm worried that my life's never gonna pan out the way it's supposed to. I'm worried that I'll forever be stuck at the job I'm currently at, without ever getting to spend eight hours a day doing what I truly love - which is writing. And on the other side of that fear is another fear - the fear of changing anything in my life. It's like my heart is sandwiched between two fears that are driving me around day by day, keeping me in the backseat with a soundproof window between the driver and I. 

Yelling at the driver does nothing. The doors are locked from the inside. I'm stuck. Have you ever experienced this kind of fear? Have you ever looked toward the horizon of your life, and seen promises of adventure, beauty, and passion, but found yourself unable to move towards it as if an invisible wall was keeping you from advancing?

That's where I am. And this fear isn't always there, but it creeps up on me every once in awhile. It blurs my mind, stifles my heart, and paralyzes me. 

So what does Jesus give as a solution to this fearful mess?

"Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."

Jesus states elsewhere that the kingdom of God is within you. The book Alcoholics Anonymous says to put my fears on paper - to own up to them - and to see where I'm at fault and how I can take courageous steps to walking through that fear. It also says that any life that is built on self-propulsion can hardly be a success.

Fear is the enemy of trust. And the problem is, I try to dispense trust into the same bank my fear is stored in - my self. 

To seek the kingdom of God first means to look inside me, and to find where that still, small voice is telling me to go and what to do. But in order to do so, I have to look deeper than the fear that surrounds my heart. I have to peel away the corroding flesh of fear, and find the heartbeat, the call of God. I've tried time and time again to let fear be my greatest motivator. While it may work for a time, it's futile. It only appears to work before I'm back at square one, wondering how my foundation was so weak. 

Once I can see deeper than the fear that smothers my heart, I can see the direction I'm supposed to go. Instead of thinking that I can think my way out of the situation, I can see the corrective actions that'll point me in the direction I was supposed to go all along. 

I believe that seeking first the kingdom of God means trusting that God will take care of the results. While fear tells me it's all about the results, trust tells me it's all about the journey. If I can't enjoy the journey, then the results are meaningless. I'm blinded by my obsession with the difficulty of now. 

Surrendering fear means taking action. And taking action means trusting an infinite God over my finite self. It means trusting in a power greater than myself rather than trusting in my own selfish schemes.