Garden (Easter - Day 42)

(Hebrews 5:7-14)

Every Friday evening, I chair the A.A. meeting that I'm a part of. Sometimes, there's ten of us and sometimes there's two of us, and last night there were two of us. Instead of having the regular, structured formal meeting, we decided to sit outside in the mediation garden and have a meeting. The person I was meeting with asked me to share my story - from beginning to now.

Usually when I am asked to share my story, I immediately get anxious. I start picking through my mind the parts that I want to disclose and the parts that I want to keep hidden. This time though, I didn't do that. I included everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly from childhood to now. It took an hour to tell my story, but when I got done I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I knew that I had helped someone look inside their own heart and find the similarities in their own story. It felt good. The person thanked me afterward and told me they felt a sense of relief, like a weight had been lifted off their shoulder. They had found that someone else understood what it was like. There was a common problem and a common solution.

As I drove away from the church, I thought about the different aspects of the story I shared, and it dawned on me that God was the central character. God was the hero and not me. God was the savior, the prince in shining armor, and not me. God rescued me, and I didn't rescue me.

Towards the end of my story, I told the person that the most wonderful thing I've received in my time of sobriety is the ability to be okay with not being okay. In other words, there is a deep seeded peace and joy in my soul that has stayed through the toughest of struggles. I am confident in saying this, because I am the kind of person who has to endure every bit of selfishness, pain, conflict, and self-centeredness in order to get to the end of me - to get to the point where I'm able to look further than my own ego to embrace the power that comes from God.

Many times I tell my story, and I either use it as a tool to draw people into my own self-pity, or use it to make me look way better than I really am. This time was different though. It wasn't really about me. I mean, I was a character in the story, but I was the character constantly searching for rescue. And, that's me right now. Although I've been delivered from an insane obsession over alcohol, I still have layers of self built around my heart. They are still being peeled back and ripped off. In order to have the layers peeled back though, I have to acknowledge that I'm not a man with one overwhelming addiction, but one with many addictions overwhelming me.

In today's passage, James gives his perspective on Jesus' life. He says that Jesus anticipated death, and experienced immense suffering to the point of death. During this time, he offered up "priestly prayers to God," and God answered him. But, James doesn't explain what those prayers sounded like. He doesn't give a paragraph explaining line for line the lyrics. However, he tells us what God did and what Jesus did as a result. He says that Jesus honored God, and therefore God honored Jesus' prayer. What was the result? Jesus learned how to have a trusting obedience through suffering, just as we do today.

James says that when Jesus suffered and died, his prayer was about God's will being done. Amidst the pain, agony, and looming death, he wanted one thing - to trust more.

This speaks volumes to me. James doesn't define different types of suffering in this passage, or say who suffers and who doesn't. He just says that suffering happens and we all experience it. Whether it's self-created or coming from an outside source, he says that suffering happens and there's a way to endure it in a freeing way. He says to seek a "trusting obedience" and not a selfish solution. To trust God more and to trust me less is vital as I continue to struggle with my own sexual obstacles. I am tired and weary from fighting a battle I just can't win. I don't have the willpower, strength, or fortitude to win. I am powerless. But, to simply ask God to take away my self-created mess is to avoid the journey of learning how to trust him more. My prayer is for his will, not mine, to be done.

Last night I acted out on my sexual impulses for the first time in over a week, and woke up crushed by a self-imposed crisis of shame and hate. I knew that there would be only one way to get through the temptations of my mind last night, and it would have been to get on my knees. I didn't want to humble myself though. I flippantly spoke a belief-less prayer into atmosphere, using it as ammunition to defend my potential wrongdoings. I could put the blame on "ineffective prayer" instead of putting the blame on my unwillingness to humble myself and touch my knees to the floor.

As I prepared to write this entry this morning, my heart still beat with failure and worthlessness. So, I did what I couldn't do last night. I got on my knees and prayed. I told God I wasn't strong enough to carry this burden of shame and he was going to have to take it back. I prayed "your will be done, and not mine." I got up and continued on.

Learning how to trust obediently doesn't take a semester or a Sunday sermon. It takes living with a mind that wants to kill me and a God who wants to rescue me. It takes a moment-by-moment, falling, surrendering, and getting back up journey. It's not a course to be passed or failed, but a lifestyle. It takes not worrying about what others think about me, regardless of how sick and twisted I may feel or act in the moment.

We are loved more than we could ever imagine. While on my knees, I acknowledged that it's me who has the eyes that see me as pitiful, broken, and ugly. I thanked God that he doesn't see me as I do, but sees perfection, beauty, and love.

The journey of learning to trust through suffering is not about getting the right theology. It's not about finding another Band-Aid to alleviate the pain.

It's about learning to trust that the story God writes about us is much better than the story we write about ourselves. And that is something worth suffering for.

Today's Action: Whatever suffering we experience today, may we pray one simple prayer: "Your will be done, not mine."