Melted

"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it." Matthew 5:39-40

"Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth." Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77

In my experience, there's always something that - once found - binds my enemies and I together. Until that something is found, I hate my enemy with a passion and a zeal that'll drive me insane and most likely drive me to drink. That something, I believe, is different for everybody. But there's something nonetheless.

About a year ago, there was a girl I knew who was trying to get sober. She was crazy as a rat running through a cheese factory. She talked a million miles an hour as a result of whatever drugs she was on that day, and she created chaos everywhere she went. She was driven by an obsession that was beyond her mental control, and a craving that was beyond her physical control. 

I, being the superhero recovered alcoholic that I was, did everything in my power to see her get sober. It was to no avail. She wasn't having it. She wasn't done. 

And, she knew where I kept my cash. I know, you're thinking how stupid of me it was to keep my cash in the car. But, at least I kept it under the seat out of sight! 

Eventually, after I let this person take up enough rent space in my head, I decided to call it quits and to cut her off forever. I decided I'd had enough, and that I didn't have the needed tolerance to deal with her anymore. After all, she wasn't ready to receive the solution to her problems based on the program outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

And so, I cleared her number from the phone, deleted her from Facebook, and said goodbye for the last time.

But then, as I was filling up with gas one day, I reached into my little blue pocketbook in which I keep all my cash, and found there was no money there. There should've been over two hundred dollars, but there was nothing. Immediately, I knew who the culprit was. Although I hadn't caught her visibly, I knew it was her. Luckily, I had some tips I'd made that day so I could put some gas in my car. But the fire that burned inside me towards this girl was raging. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to see her die. How dare she put me in this predicament!

As my emotions rolled on, I decided to dig up her number once again and give her a phone call. I don't know if I've ever been as mad as I was on the phone that day, but I kept my composure as much as I could and asked her why she stole all the money I had. She denied it, of course. She told me I was crazy. Once I realized that if I talked anymore I was going to say something I regretted, I hung up the phone and wrapped myself up in a blanket of self pity for a little bit - until I was ready to do some inventory on the situation and find out what the real problem inside of me was. 

And my truth was, I hadn't turned that money over to God. I was holding onto it so tightly that feeling financially insecure was inevitable. I was putting way too much trust in a couple bills. 

Realizing this, I calmed down and moved on. I still kept her off my phone list, and didn't talk to her. I still didn't have anywhere near the tolerance to have her in my life. 

I let bygones be bygones. 

And then, one night at 2 am, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was her. She was hurting and desperate. She was crying and wanted to go to treatment. 

Upon hearing this, I told her I needed to call a friend to get an objective viewpoint. So, I called my friend, told him what was going on, and he asked where he needed to meet me. I called her back and told her we'd be there in a few minutes. 

We ended up taking her to a 24 hour women's treatment facility, and she was truly hurting. She was over-remorseful and wanted desperately to get straight. Her body was craving alcohol, so we stopped on the way to get her some beer to hold her over. 

Now, there was something that happened inside of me when she called that night. That something, as I mentioned above, transformed my enemy into an equal. That something was the common bond that my enemy and I shared, which was alcoholism. When I answered that phone call and heard the desperation in the voice on the other line, all past wrongs faded away. Any unfinished resentment and any memories of stolen money melted away forever. There was a life and death errand to be had now. What started as two enemies transformed into two equal sufferers of this horrible condition called alcoholism. 

I was staring into the reflection of myself - although recovered, my brain was jump-started with moving pictures of my own dark nights, my own battles with the bottle, and my own past chaos and escapades. From there, all ill will stopped. It was now a matter of helping another alcoholic who was just like me. 

This event compounded the truth that every time an enemy forms in my own life, I'm merely seeing a reflection of the things I hate in myself. If I take the wrong they've done against me and simply ask myself the question, Have I ever done that to anybody?, chances are I'll see who I'm truly opposing. 

The people whom I call my enemies are in some ways closer than my friends. I just haven't discovered what binds us together so mysteriously and furiously strong. It's a bondage that - unless examined - will create a world of hurt inside me unless I step outside of myself for just a moment and take an inventory of what's going on. Once taken, I'll most definitely see that my enemy was merely a mimic of me.