Mirror

For the past several months, I've been having a problem that's been driving me crazy. And I haven't written about it, so I'm hoping that this will help clear the air a little bit so I can get a different angle.

The problem has to do with a friend of mine. And the reason I call him a friend is, we've been through a lot together. We've disclosed everything about ourselves to each other. We're both alcoholics, and I've seen him stand on the mountaintop as well as sink to the lowest valleys imaginable. We've taken a week long trip to Big Bend and experienced doing a fourth step in the desolate wilderness. We started developing a relationship about three years ago, when I met him through another friend of mine. Little did I know that he was an alcoholic, or that we would have anything in common. If it wasn't for our problem, I doubt that we'd even have a relationship today. 

Anyways, my friend has invited a ton of chaos into his life. There have been times when I've wanted to give up on him and never look back. There's also been times when I've seen him sober, and doing everything it takes to stay that way. 

And when he's at his worst, he steals, manipulates, lies, and really pisses people off. 

He's stolen from me and he's lied to me, but every time it happens, I can't help but think back to a not-so-long-ago past in which I was doing the same thing when I was drinking. And I immediately see myself in his shoes, and remember the guilt and remorse that came with all of my wrongdoings. 

But the problem I've been dealing with is this: I've learned how to err on the side of grace with him, and I don't get offended by him anymore. When he's struggling staying sober, I see him as a sick man who has no power. But, my closest friends are tired of him. They don't want to see him. They don't want to deal with him. They don't want him anywhere around them. 

And so, I've found myself defending him against accusations that others are making.

What are the accusations? Stealing, breaking and entering, and lying. The problem is, none of the accusations have solid evidence that he actually did any of them. And, none of them have confronted him about any of these things out of fear that he's gonna beat them up or cause even more problems. I will admit, trouble seems to follow this guy wherever he goes. It seems like everywhere he pops up, money goes missing. But here's the thing: he's not an attractive person. He runs his mouth. He says things that really piss people off. He's always mowing through jobs. He's asking for money way too much. And he's always got some sort of chaos going on that nobody wants to get involved with. 

Is he the perfect scapegoat, or has he actually done all these things people are accusing him of? 

As a Christian who's also an alcoholic, I have two sources I rely on heavily when it comes to relationships: the teachings of Jesus and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And both of these seem to point to erring on the side of grace when it comes to our chaotic comrades. 

The best example in the New Testament of who I think would represent my friend the most would be Zacchaeus the tax collector. The thing about tax collectors at that time was, they were like present day title loan distributors - corrupt and greedy. Tax collectors were known to markup the taxes owed to the Roman government, and they built great wealth off the backs of hard-working citizens. And Zacchaeus was no different. He was despised by both Roman citizens and Jews. However, as the story goes, Jesus sympathizes with Zacchaeus and tells the people that he'd rather be friends with a sinner than a respectable "righteous" person. The story continues to say that Zacchaeus ended up giving away all his possessions and paying everybody back the money he'd cheated out of them. 

In the Big Book, there's this story of how Bill W. and Dr. Bob tried seven times to help get a man sober, and after the seventh time, the man finally surrendered and accepted the spiritual solution they outlined for him. He became an outstanding member of both A.A. and the community. There's another part of the book that tells how Bill W. worked with scores of alcoholics who never got sober, and even though he got really frustrated about it, the point was he stayed sober himself. 

Even if all the accusations against my friend are true, it doesn't change anything for me. I don't see a pile of dirty laundry and harms done to myself and others, but I see a sick man - just as so many people saw me when I was drinking. I see the same sickness that I once had, and that I've recovered from. But at the same time, I want to have harmony in all of my relationships, but it's getting to the point where my other friends aren't tolerating his chaos. 

Have you ever had an experience like this? Have you ever felt like when people weren't tolerating a friend of yours, it was a deep soul attack against you? That somehow, your two lives were interwoven to the point that you'd take a bullet for them?

While I want my friend to have all the tools available to help him get and stay sober, I can't get him sober. I quit trying that a long time ago. However, I haven't quit being his friend. From the outside looking in, it probably looks like I'm just as sick as he is since I've chosen to stick around. But I don't care. 

Jesus took the sides of the marginalized, the hell raisers, the cheaters, and the manipulators. The founders of A.A., and any honest member would tell you that they were the marginalized, hell raising, cheating manipulators. I was and still can be. 

The last thing I want to say is this: when I'm hanging out with crazy alcoholics, I experience God in a profound way. I have this deep, penetrating realization that I was just like them and that I'm not cured from being like them again. Hardly a "God moment" comes from sitting in some church service somewhere, or praying, or reading the Bible. While doing these things are good for my soul, they don't provide the kind of profound spirituality that's found in looking into the eyes of untreated alcoholism. In the crazy mess is where I find my God. Looking into hopeless, insane eyes is where I find the greatest opportunity to share what God has blessed me with, and as soon as I step away from the places where the lost and insane alcoholics are I forget where I came from. 

What do you think?