Handicap (Ordinary Time - Day 12)

The surest way to strength is to stop arm wrestling God.
2 Corinthians 12:1-10

As I read today, I can't help but think that Paul is an arrogant asshole. He blames the audience for "causing" him to brag. He says that even if he were to brag - which he already did in the previous chapter - he wouldn't sound ridiculous and what he was saying would still be true. He sounds so human it's not even funny. In the midst of his ranting and denial of his own pride, he says some things that cut me to the heart. 

Paul says that he's been given a handicap for two reasons: to keep him from having a big head and to keep him in touch with his limitations. He says he prayed three times for God to remove this handicap, and felt like God was telling him: "My grace is enough for you. My grace is all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 

A light bulb seemed to go off in Paul's head when this happened, and he began to focus on his handicap as a gift and not a limitation. He was able to believe that God's strength would increase the more his own strength decreased. In his weakness, he was strong.

These last few days I've been carrying around a whirlwind of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of change. I've been driven by it. It affected me to the point yesterday that prayer just wasn't working. I left work early because it was driving me mad. I did everything I could to not go home and isolate myself into self-pity and depression. 

The reason I have all this fear is I have a decision to make, and it's a big decision. I don't know what to do, and I feel stuck. I'm weighing the pros and cons of this decision, and I'm just not getting the insight that I normally get in times like these. I have to stay pretty vague because there are people reading this blog that I don't feel comfortable sharing the details with quite yet. 

Regardless, I have a definite handicap right now. It's fear. It's getting to the point where if I don't do something about it, it's going to kick my ass. I called my sponsor yesterday to explain what was going on, and I've talked to several trusted friends about it. My sponsor gave me an assignment that I will be doing today after work. In the meantime, I want to explore what Paul is talking about in this passage. His handicap used to be a liability, and now it's a gift. Just how exactly did he arrive at this viewpoint?

I don't have the answer for this, but I do have an opinion. In order to delve into this, I need to delve into my own current handicap. When I view my fear as a handicap, I get paralyzed. It paints my world black. It paints my future as bleak. That's where I am right now. My heart is beating faster, my mind is turning into a wasteland. I want my fear to be plucked from me via prayer, and it's just not working. I'm reminded of a line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says, "When all else fails, work with another alcoholic ensures immunity from drinking." 

I'm in one of those places where my lifeline of prayer is not working the way I want it to. So, I'm taking it to the next level - working with my sponsor. In order to change my fear from a handicap into a gift, I have to ask for help and take action. Even as I sit here right now, my mind is spinning about the unknown. My sanity levels are quickly diminishing, and I sense that my time at work today is going to be as hard as it was yesterday. 

I have a decision to make, and fear is blocking me from making it. So, the important thing right now is to do the hard work of acknowledging the fear, defining it, and sharing it with my sponsor. Perhaps then I will see it as a gift and not a handicap. Until I realize that prayer is not the solution but only an aid, it's not going to leave. 

I want to believe that in my weakness, I am strong, but all I see right now is weakness. The reason for this is, when I'm living in fear I'm still trying to control my life and hold a tight grip on it. I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid of letting my life play out on God's terms and not mine. I'm still flexing my muscles in trying to predict my future and script it out perfectly. 

It's impossible to show off my muscles when I'm at a point of surrender. Surrender means that I've given up, that I have no amount of willpower that will change my current circumstances. I haven't surrendered yet.

When I surrender, as Paul says, God's strength comes into its own in my weakness. I need to get to the end of me. Then, maybe I'll see this fear as a point of growth, a catalyst for change, and not a paralyzing handicap.

Today's Action: Weather the storm with prayer, but as soon as I get off work, get to writing like I've been told! Be extremely honest with myself, and don't leave anything out, no matter how silly it may sound.