I don't want to spend another year trying to find "balance" between substance abuse and substance non-abuse. I want to stop. My decisions, location, commitments, much of the time, if not all the time, revolve around this.
Last night, my thinking had become like a mad man. I had created an altered set of characters from the people I was hanging out with. It was fun up to a point, but got weird. I am fairly certain, because it has happened before, that if I do not stop, I will believe this clown circus in my head, follow the "story" and lash out in some abusive manner. It's only a matter of time.
I need to be off substances. Somehow, the substance is the eye opener and eye closer. It is a recursive rabbit hole. There is a terminal point which spins. I don't want to want to keep coming back there. It tells me not to. The best message I can almost bring back from that hole is "stop coming here". I go back anyway like a man who has forgotten only to forget again. Then back. Then away. Then back.
I want to be sober. I want to be clear minded.
Try abstinence from all mind-altering substances for a week. No alcohol, no pills (besides the prescribed amount your doctor instructs), no green leaf. Complete, honest, abstinence. If you can do this, then it's probably a matter of willpower, prayer, and discipline.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't do this, we'll talk.