1 Kings 3:1-15
Sitting
in the room underneath my house, I prayed. I went down my list of
people and things, praying for whatever I thought the person needed. I
was hungover, breathing fire from the alcohol I drank the night before,
knowing in the bottom of my heart that I was barely hanging on. The
prayers were the only thing I had. Praying for the release from the
terrible obsession I had to drink would mean change - a change that I
was much too afraid of being a part of. So, morning after morning I
would offer up my sacrifice, my list of people who needed something from
God.
As long as I could manage my drinking or manage the delirium I was experiencing as a result of the drinking, I would be okay and prayer for my own problems would not be necessary just yet.
There always comes a time when my own demons overcome me to the point that other people just don't matter when it comes to prayer. All I can see is the pile of trouble in front of me. Then, the 9-1-1 prayers come into play. "God, take this away from me. God, help me not drink today. God, forgive me for drinking last night. God . . . "
For all I know, these types of prayers equated to asking to win the lottery. They just didn't work. My heart wasn't in them. I wanted the prayer to act as a pill, but I didn't believe the pill would work. I would not or could not turn the small amount of faith I had into action for real change. There was something holding me back, and it was much bigger than me. I was terrorized, afraid, and confused. I knew that once the hangover faded away, just like every other day, the awful obsession would come back and I would drink again. If only this morning could last forever.
I've hear a lot of times that prayer is this pill that we can take, or this formula for success. When I finally started praying about my obsession for alcohol, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I was getting what I needed - misery, depression, stints in jail, and loneliness. I needed to be sucked dry of any energy I had left to keep digging my own grave. That was the only way I could truly surrender.
I believe we get what we want when we pray. The problem is, we ask for one thing but our minds tell us we want another. In the end, we get what we really want. All those mornings I prayed about alcohol, I was really praying for relief - just a moment of peace that I could hold onto until the next bout. I could live off moments of peace for days at a time.
I've gotten on my knees before bed, asking God to keep me from looking at porn, only to find myself looking at porn as soon as I got up. I got what I truly wanted.
It takes what it takes to get us where we're going. If we keep going the way we're going, we're gonna keep getting what we're getting.
I find that prayer is - like my friend tells me all the time - a conduit between me and God. When I pray, a line is opened up. A doorway opens into which I have to take action. If I don't step into action, the door stays open but I stay put, wondering why God isn't making me walk through the door.
The prayer that Solomon prays in his dream is one I'd like to practice today: "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." But, this requires action.
When we pray, opportunities present themselves to take part in the solution. I've heard that God can move mountains, but he needs me to bring a shovel. I believe this. Prayer is not about having answers fall out of the sky, but receiving opportunities to participate in what I'm praying about. If I pray for a hungry person to find food but don't do anything about it, I'm not praying but pontificating.
Today's Action: Pray the Solomon prayer. "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." Be ready to work in the solution, paying attention to the opportunities to participate.
As long as I could manage my drinking or manage the delirium I was experiencing as a result of the drinking, I would be okay and prayer for my own problems would not be necessary just yet.
There always comes a time when my own demons overcome me to the point that other people just don't matter when it comes to prayer. All I can see is the pile of trouble in front of me. Then, the 9-1-1 prayers come into play. "God, take this away from me. God, help me not drink today. God, forgive me for drinking last night. God . . . "
For all I know, these types of prayers equated to asking to win the lottery. They just didn't work. My heart wasn't in them. I wanted the prayer to act as a pill, but I didn't believe the pill would work. I would not or could not turn the small amount of faith I had into action for real change. There was something holding me back, and it was much bigger than me. I was terrorized, afraid, and confused. I knew that once the hangover faded away, just like every other day, the awful obsession would come back and I would drink again. If only this morning could last forever.
I've hear a lot of times that prayer is this pill that we can take, or this formula for success. When I finally started praying about my obsession for alcohol, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I was getting what I needed - misery, depression, stints in jail, and loneliness. I needed to be sucked dry of any energy I had left to keep digging my own grave. That was the only way I could truly surrender.
I believe we get what we want when we pray. The problem is, we ask for one thing but our minds tell us we want another. In the end, we get what we really want. All those mornings I prayed about alcohol, I was really praying for relief - just a moment of peace that I could hold onto until the next bout. I could live off moments of peace for days at a time.
I've gotten on my knees before bed, asking God to keep me from looking at porn, only to find myself looking at porn as soon as I got up. I got what I truly wanted.
It takes what it takes to get us where we're going. If we keep going the way we're going, we're gonna keep getting what we're getting.
I find that prayer is - like my friend tells me all the time - a conduit between me and God. When I pray, a line is opened up. A doorway opens into which I have to take action. If I don't step into action, the door stays open but I stay put, wondering why God isn't making me walk through the door.
The prayer that Solomon prays in his dream is one I'd like to practice today: "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." But, this requires action.
When we pray, opportunities present themselves to take part in the solution. I've heard that God can move mountains, but he needs me to bring a shovel. I believe this. Prayer is not about having answers fall out of the sky, but receiving opportunities to participate in what I'm praying about. If I pray for a hungry person to find food but don't do anything about it, I'm not praying but pontificating.
Today's Action: Pray the Solomon prayer. "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." Be ready to work in the solution, paying attention to the opportunities to participate.
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