I drew yesterday. I started drawing the Time cover of the Muslim girl. I am looking forward to working on it again today. I showed Erin the drawing progress and said, "Erin, this is sober art. I want to do portraiture one day. I want to do something meaningful."
Another day with the guys. We've grown close over the years. I'm taken aback by how easy it was, again, to hang out and not drink. I was actually able to laugh and make them laugh. I felt like I was riding a bicycle that I didn't think I could ride.
Not that I'm over it, but yesterday I was. Suddenly, a rush of people and their burdens came to me. It overwhelmed me. I realized that there are so many people dealing with this on one level or another. Maybe they need aa and AA.
The other night, I asked a woman, while she took another shot, "Why are you leaving?" After so many laughs, all well I thought, it was time for the escape hatch. Last night I saw the same thing. Why take the exit door? We were enjoying each other's company. I know it will happen again this weekend. Somehow, in five day's time, I went from inward craving to outward sorrow.
For me, I never went "through the sheet". For me, it became more and more central to day to day life. It's what I looked forward to. It's been on my radar for so long now. It's a sneaky devil! A comfort on the one hand and a slow tug into an ever growing storm on the other.
The ideal situation would be to stop drinking altogether and keep my neighborhood friends. This morning, I don't see myself in AA meetings. I see myself here, as always, but sober; however, I can see that as a trap too because I may not be seeing the gravity of the place I was in just 5 days ago. I may need to fully keep up with the program. Honestly, I don't want to, but it may be necessary.
I understand the feeling of not needing AA. I thought that for two years while I was sober. I didn't drink, but didn't know what to do either. Everything was a shot in the dark, like I didn't have any foundation for actually staying sober. It took two years of a slow, cunning, baffling misery to finally rear its ugly head in the most awful way, causing me to ask myself "Is this shit worth it?" "Is it worth it being sober" The answer I gave myself was, "Hell no." But I didn't realize that the sober life I was living was merely a life of not drinking. The same inward chaos was going on. My relatinoships were breaking apart. My fear grew. My discontentment and discord were like a snow ball. I was right. Living life physically sober but not emotionally or spiritually sober is a recipe for hell on earth, not life on earth. When I realized that is when I dove all in, head first, not looking back. I was ready to recreate what I had pulled down on top of me and the people I loved. I am a creator now, not a destroyer. I am in a position of neutrality when it comes to alcohol, and see life through a lens I never had before.
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