Benedictine

I want to live differently.  For some reason "Benedictine" is stuck in my head.  A long time ago, a friend told me about the "Benedictine" way of life.  I am grasping for straws.

I am not searching for simplicity or soulful mindedness so much as regularity that brings health and growth.  I woke up this morning thinking about what I wanted to do today.  A list popped in my head.

Right now my face is crawling because I haven't shaved.  I think I will shave; however, if I shave I might not get back to this post and my coffee might get cold.  I am drinking out of the Winnie-The-Pooh cup.

I will shave.

Yesterday I thought my neck was having the same problem as my arms.  I have been taking Neurontin for my arms.  It turns out that I hadn't shaved and my whiskers were sticking from my face into my neck.  That felt prickly.  I think I am tired, sore, sunburned and prickly.  So, last night, I quickly shaved my neck.

Just now I left a goatee.  So, I just made a random goatee.  I thought the goatee, if I left it on, which is unlikely, will help the fattened face of mine.  Who knows?

Kim just came in and asked if I could watch Kovi while she picked up Kaley.  I said, "Sure", but then pointed at this blog post and said, "No, wait.  I want to write this post. I really want to think about this 'Benedictine' deal."

So let me continue on this random Benedictine trail of which I only have the word "Benedictine" with no clue except the hint that a friend mentioned it, and it sounds different and may be a possible solution for being tired, sore, sunburned, prickly and scattered.

Am I a pinball?

Is that the question?  Yes and no.  I think I am looking for pattern, something I can fall into, but not be bored with.  Am I searching for a way to roll with the flow and do it in a healthy way?  I want plants to grow, house to be fixed and maintained, body to be out of pain (it's my foot now) and rested, family taken care of, family happy, family on right track, me on right track, saving, learning, caring...

Beauty seems to be something I strive for.  It makes me feel good.  So, normally, when I wake up and I want to make it a good day, I think, "What should I do?"  A list pops in my head:

1. Make the bed
2. Water the plants
3. Fix the fridge
4. Fix the faucet
5. Fix
6. Fix
7. Fix
8. Fix
9. Fix
10. Fix

I try to minimize the items. I do a couple. Then I get caught up at the neighbors, in a family thing, a game or something and run.  In the end, the house is pretty much maintained, the family is pretty happy, things are pretty good - I've rolled with the flow and it's all pretty good (especially after a few beers).

So why am I searching for something else?  Is it because I've done #1 and #2, and the bed is made (albeit poorly), the plants are watered (two are dying) and:

1. The fridge is still broke
2. The faucet is still broke
3. Broke
4. Broke
5. Broke
6. Broke
7. Broke
8. Broken

Is it that I want to paint the painting for Erin, but I don't?  Am I afraid if I spent time on 3-8, it'd expand into another list of broke, broke and more broken?  Is it that I need a new perspective so I don't feel overwhelmed by the "disaster"?  Is it that I need to work harder?  Is it that I should try harder?  Do I need a pattern so I can get things done?  Is it about the todo list?

I pay a man to mow my lawn.  If I were to let the man go, I could have cable and NASCAR.  I can't bring myself to do that.  Why?  It's the man's livelihood.  If I want cable for clearer Texans' games, I could go about it two ways - pay for it or pay for it.  As dumb as it sounds, because I could pay for it, I semi-equate my lack of cable with keeping my lawn mowed.

My lawn stays mowed.

My fridge is broken.  My attic staircase is broken.  My shower is broken.  My faucet is broken.  My bedspread does not fit.  Erin's painting isn't started.

Kim just came in and said, "The cooler is smelling pretty fishy out there.  It probably should be bleached."  I said, "Don't open it."  I forgot, the fish carcass I skinned last week for breakfast (blogged here) is still in there.  I don't know what to do with it.  I am afraid to open it.  Will the trash men throw away a rotting smelly cooler that is duct taped?

When I do things I make a mess.  I do and do and do and do, then suddenly, in terror and passion (and love if medicated) I clean and clean and clean and clean.

Still, the only question I can ask myself right now is, "What should I do today?"  I guess I'll go deal with the cooler.  Maybe I'll come back later with some insight.  I don't know and doubt I will.

<5 minutes later>

I can't find the cooler.  Kim is bringing me a breakfast taco and my blood pressure medicine that I ran out of.

It just dawned on me that I was so intent on thinking about this "Benedictine" thing that one: I made my bed as a first step but two: didn't eat breakfast.  It is almost 11:20a.m.  I haven't eaten a bite.

<12:03 p.m.>

I located the cooler.  I opened it up and was taken aback by the rushing wall of smell.  I dumped bleach in it and ran.

I took my ADHD medication and the counter acting blood pressure medicine.  I also took my neurontin for my arms that hurt when I type and google things.

I am currently googling what the heck "Benedictine" means.  First off, and I don't like it, there's The Rule Of St. Benedict.

Jon told me the last time we gigged, "I can't believe that flounder was legal."  I said, "I couldn't either."  I said, "That was the first time a rule ever made me glad."  If a rule can make me glad once, I'll try at least listening.

But then the rules open with wikipedia-ed "the renunciation of one's own will and arming oneself 'with the strong and noble weapons of obedience' under the banner of 'the true king, Christ the Lord'".

Jon and I talked about kings and weapons.

Still, I'm going to read on.  My first thought was, "I like the idea of order.  I'll just rewrite the whole thing if I have to."  It does say, "Compared to other precepts, the Rule provides a moderate path between individual zeal and formulaic institutionalism".  It looks like "Peace, Work and Prayer" are the mainstays.  I'll read on.

<12:29p.m>

It seems like I fit parts of the description of a Circle Wanderer or this.  Hmmmm :(