Why Helping Others is So Difficult but Essential

I have a friend who's really struggling to get on his feet right now. He's lived a life that's been riddled with drugs, prison, and chaos. Over the last few months, I and a few other friends have intersected his life and helped him with clothes, money, food, and fellowship. We've discussed scriptures, prayed with him, and still there's this sense of, "When's he going to get it?"

From the outside looking in, it seems like the cycle just continues. He gets going for a couple days, then another crisis hits, then he's back at the bottom looking up. Although he's been sober for over a month, his mind is still crazier than a shit house mouse. We see one crisis after another, and it gets exhausting.

So, what do we do next in these situations? Do we do anything? Do we "let go and let God?" Do we step back and love from a distance?

The answer is all of the above.

Just like any story, our friend's is full of conflict. We are side characters who enter the story and decide if we want to stick with it for the long haul or play a quick - but important - role.

Questions that always come up when helping someone who doesn't seem to be getting it are, "Aren't we enabling this person? Aren't we hurting rather than helping?"

In my experience, whether I'm enabling someone or helping them never has to do with that particular person. It has to do with me. The subliminal question underlying the question of enabling is, "Do I have enough pain tolerance, patience, and stamina to continue?"

And here's the crux of this story.

We don't have the pain tolerance, patience, and stamina to help people - especially when it looks like there's no hope and no end in sight for the person. When choosing to help others, we're choosing to enter into a story that didn't start with us. It didn't start with that person either. It started with a God who was already working, and moving, and pulling, and forming the story that we get invited into.

When questions like, "Am I helping or hurting?" and "Am I enabling this person?" pop up, it usually comes as a result of the emotional battles we've been enduring from helping the person. Our hearts are breaking, we're experiencing turmoil, and we're doubting whether we're doing the right thing or not. While these are good questions to ask, we have to remember that these are accurate reflections of our human desire to do the right thing.

When we are at our breaking point in helping others, we're reminded of who we aren't. We aren't God. In fact, we're not really helping anyone at all. We're stepping into a story that we needed to participate in just as much as the other person.

In the story I'm currently participating in, I've come to the realization that I'm in as much need of God as my friend is. While his struggles look different than mine, we're both in need of mercy. We're both children, trying to find our way, trying to make sense of life's difficulties, and trying to get on our feet. We're hungry. We're thirsty. We're relying on God to get us through another day.

We cannot generalize what enabling is or isn't. We can't generalize what helps and what hurts. The point is, that we're stepping into a story that's been going on way longer than us, and the main character is a God who is constantly loving us, and calling us, and pouring out his mercy on us. If we choose to step out of the story, it's okay. We're human and can only handle so much at one time. If we choose to stay in the story, it's okay too.

The hope is, as we participate in the stories around us, that we come to the realization that we give because we were given to. We love because we were filled with love. We listen because we were listened to. We advocate because we've been advocated for. We show compassion because we've received compassion ourselves.

Most of the time, I'm not the benevolent being that I think I am. I'm merely a messenger and a receiver of a God who wants to restore and renew all things.