Blueberries

Soul Gardens

I'm sorry!

Spotlight (Pentecost - Day 13)

(Based on 2 Corinthians 4:1-12)

I've been on a flounder gigging kick as of late, so I think I'll tell you a little about that. It turns out that telling you about that ties into what Paul has to say today about carrying the Message.

To flounder gig, you need several things: adequate light (I use a spotlight), darkness, water, and a gig (or spear).

The way it works is, I search out a good spot on Google Earth for potentially good places to gig. It depends on the wind direction and tide. If the wind is blowing from the southeast, I will look on Google Earth for shorelines that are open to the northwest. They will be protected from the southeast wind. If the wind is blowing from the north, I will find a shoreline that's open to the south. 

After I find some good spots to check out, I make a list complete with directions. Then, I grab my gear and head out in my car which will probably overheat somewhere in my journey, so I also fill up with coolant. I head to my first point, and follow the street signs until I get to the edge of the water.

The two most important natural elements in gigging are wind and tide. If the wind speed and the tide are both low, then chances are great. If wind speed and/or tide are high, chances are not that great. 

I need a good light, preferably a lantern or a high beam spotlight. It's pitch black outside. The water is cool to lukewarm. Everything is black until the spotlight comes on. Wherever it shines, a ten foot span of life will be exposed. I can't see more than ten feet in front of me, but can see everything under the water in front of me. 

I wade along the shoreline, shuffling my feet in case any sting rays are present. The only way I'll know if a flounder is lying beneath the surface is if the light exposes it. However, the light will not expose everything. It will reveal some characteristics of the flounder, like the outline, the eyes, and any markings it has on it's body. If the light turns off, it's pitch black again. Without it, I won't see or catch any flounder. When the light finally does expose a flounder, I take a deep breath, take the gig, and stab the flounder in the head so as not to mess up the filets. That's how to flounder gig. Go enjoy.

The reason I blog is the same reason I carry a light when I'm flounder gigging. On most days, I can't see anything without some sort of light guiding my way. In the same way, I have an opportunity to point people to the same light that's guiding me. Without letting the light shine on me, all I or anybody else can see is a broken mess of darkness.

Writing is my way of letting the light of God turn what is dark into brightly exposed life. My hope is that the reader doesn't look at me and stop there, but sees the same light that is guiding and exposing me. It's all about the light. Without it, I'm in the dark.

I don't have any answers, but a bunch of beliefs and questions. I've been spiritually terrorized, depressed, hopeless, sleepless, and helpless. I've experienced the darkness of wanting to die but being too afraid to kill myself. I've experienced the horror of wanting to live but being too afraid to go outside. I've experienced the confusion of not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.

It doesn't stop there though. Because, with darkness comes light. With death comes resurrection. With helplessness comes help, and with powerlessness comes power. 

It's the light that has exposed my darkness and led me out of that darkness that I want to give to others. My life and my words hopefully point other people to the light that has rescued me and gives me direction. 

Today's Action: With words, thoughts, and actions, expose people to the light that guides me. Whatever that looks like or sounds like, point people to the light that is guiding me. 

MC Gardening

Okay, how about this... and I'm just throwing it out:

1. This group has a heart for the homeless
2. You want to bring something that is self-sustainable for the homeless
3. You want to grow closer to one another and enjoy it regardless if the "missioned" join or not.
4. Richard gardens and probably would like selling his hot sauce
5. There are disabled people who are homeless who may not be physically able to do certain things
6. I hear Nate gardens.  Kim gardens.  Many Redbudders garden. Gardening is fun.  We can sit around and talk after gardening.
7. We have space in our backyards.  We have homes to invite people to.
8. Ian says that Austin has a gardening thing for the homeless.  We can talk to these guys.
9. Gardening is something where we can all learn spiritual lessons as well as lessons about nature and creation.
10. If it totally flops, we'll have us some gardens
11. Gardening can teach us to work and rest 
12. Soundgarden

So how about creating a farmer's market.  Some homeless can help with growing.  Some can help selling.  We might be able to partner with who knows who.

I hope this idea doesn't cause any trouble.  Good night :)  Man, I'm sleepy.  It's been a l-o-n-g month!

The Confessional (Pentecost - Day 12)

(Based on 2 Corinthians 3:1-18)

There was this priest in Texas. He thought highly of himself, because he believed he had been given authority from God to listen to people's confessions and then tell them what they needed to do in order to receive forgiveness. One day, a teenage boy came to the confessional booth. He had accidentally slipped up, rummaging around his dad's room. He came across a stack of pornographic magazines. He was curious, so he looked and became enthralled by all the photos he was seeing. 

Since he had grown up in the church, listening to this priest tell the congregation the things they were allowed and not allowed to do, he knew that something must be done about his grave mistake. So, after a few weeks of mulling around in his head trying to get over the shame of what he had done, he stumbled into the confessional booth. 

He said, "Father, I committed a horrible act three weeks ago."

"Keep going, I'm listening."

"I came across some porno mags and decided to take a look," the boy said.

"How long did you look?" the priest asked.

"Long enough to be affected by them. I've been masturbating ever since," the boy replied.

"Okay son. Here's what you need to do. Every morning, get on your knees and say ten Hail Mary's and ten Our Fathers. Once you do this, your sins will be forgiven. If you don't do this, you will be in danger of the fires of hell." 

The boy walked away with a moment of hope, followed by an ever-worsening desire to keep masturbating. He couldn't escape the images that had been planted in his mind. For years and years, he couldn't escape the images. Eventually, he took the priest's words to heart, and he created his own hell. He believed what the priest told him, and began living his life in a way that inevitably started looking hellish. In essence, he took the priest's words and learned to condemn himself. He no longer needed to go to the confessional booth because he knew what the priest would tell him. He became his own priest, and using the law he had been given and the knowledge he had of the ten commandments and all the other laws he had heard about from the Bible, he became his own accuser. 

The boy turned into a man, and the man was a priest. He had gone to seminary to learn more about how to be a priest, and how to know the law better. He wanted to have a deep understanding of the law, the same laws he had been taught as a child. He wanted to be the one sitting behind the veil inside the confessional booth, just like his priest had been for him. 

After years of seminary training and a degree in divinity, he took over as head priest at the same church he had grown up in. One day, he had an appointment meet with a teenage boy. The priest already knew what he was going to say even though he didn't know what the boy would say. The teenage boy sat down, and the priest said, "Hi my son. How can I help you today?"

The teenage boy replied, "I've been watching you. You seem to know what to say before we even give our confessions."

The priest was baffled. How could this teenage boy so lacking in knowledge, know this?  

The boy continued, "I want you to know your sins are forgiven. They were forgiven before you were ever born. You have been free to live with a clear conscience, yet you were given a law to follow. That law told you what to do and what not to do. Every time you broke the law, the guilt and shame became deeper and deeper."

The priest listened intently because he was astonished by what the boy was saying. The priest, groping for a handkerchief in the darkness, felt all the years of feeling helpless and shameful ripping his heart apart. He couldn't speak because he was so ravaged by his own blindness. But, he continued listening.

The boy continued, "Father, you have done nothing wrong. You mistakenly bound yourself to a law that you couldn't get away from. You still live under that law, and you don't have to. You are free to live as you once did before you came to this confessional booth so many years ago. The only thing that came from that old set of rules was death and condemnation. Let go of it. Walk away and experience the free life."

The priest was speechless. Here he was, appointed to listen to the confessions of a teenage boy, but instead was being told something he had never heard before about himself - that he was actually a good person, that he was loved by God, and that he no longer had to wear the vestiges of the law that he had been given and had been giving to others. 

The boy could sense the priest was crying, so he walked out of the confessional over to the other side of the veil. He opened the door to the priest's side and held out his hand. The priest stumbled to get up and hold the boy's hand, and for the first time since he was a kid, felt as if a whole pile of debris had been swept away from his heart. He felt renewed. He felt as if he would walk out of the building a free man. He couldn't believe it. His heart raced as thoughts of this new life bumbled through his head. He felt like he could do whatever he wanted, because he knew in his heart there was nothing holding him back anymore. He had hope. He no longer felt bound to the words of his childhood priest, and the laws of the scriptures. He walked away from the church that day with a new lease on life, and began sharing with everyone what he had experienced in the confessional booth that day. 

He never saw that boy again, but the impact that teenage confessor had on him couldn't be repaid. Because of what that boy told him that day, he walked away a free man, and went on to tell everyone exactly what that boy had told him. 

The realization of freedom from rules and regulations and realization that new life was already here began as a mustard seed, but eventually spread to the whole community. People were waking up every day to the reality of a God who had forgiven them long ago, before they were even born. The townspeople started speaking a new language of freedom, forgiveness, and joy, even though every one of them had done at least one thing in their lives that was considered unforgivable and "endangering to the eternal soul." 

New life began erupting everywhere this priest went, because he was simply carrying the message the boy had given him. He was simply carrying the message that had set himself free. Something that had once seemed so complex was now simplified to a message that everyone could understand: We have been forgiven by a God who loves us unconditionally! Throw out the rulebook and live!

Renew

I wrote this the other day:

I'd like to camp when it cools
Go surfing
Get out
Jump on the bay
Garden
Laugh
Make homemade ice cream
Landscape with limestone
Plant flowers
Flyfish on a creek
Watch the sunrise
See pelicans skim their wings
On gentle wind sculpted waves
Paddle board flounder
Under the moon
Over clear water
Grill peppers on the stove
Alongside simmering sauces
Feel good inside and out
Be fit
Read
Learn
Plant
Sunshine
Slow time
Friendship and Coffee

Fragrance (Pentecost - Day 11)

(Based on 2 Corinthians 1:23-2:17)

My non-smoking endeavor lasted sixty-three hours. I had a cigarette at work, and eight hours later bought a pack. It would be stupid of me not to share a few thoughts concerning the matter. Maybe in the future I can look back at this and be reminded of what it was like. 

First of all, money was not enough to make me quit. No matter how much money I have or don't have, it's not powerful enough to create the willingness to give up smoking.

Second, God is not going to stand in my way when I am determined to do something. I got in my car, with my mind set to go buy cigarettes. I threw out a last-effort prayer that went something like, "God, if you don't want me to do this, then stop me." My car started, and I didn't get in a wreck on the way to the store. 

Third, if I'm not willing to give up something but am forcing myself to do so, I will be miserable. I don't think it's impossible to give up something that I'm not willing to give up, but I think it's going to be miserable. If I want to be less miserable, then I have to be way more willing. 

With that said, I enter into today's passage in second Corinthians. There is a man in the church of Corinth who has evidently stirred up a hornet's nest of problems. There has been a majority vote in the church on the adequate punishment for this man, but we're not told of what he did nor the punishment received. Paul writes the people to tell them that it's time to stop laying on the guilt, and start forgiving and helping the man back on his feet. He says it's the responsibility of the people to take care of the health of the church. 

Paul is saying that if they want the church to be healthy, then punishment is not the solution. Love and forgiveness leads to a healthy church, not excommunication or guilt trips. Paul then goes on to say, using the man in question, that because of Christ, we give off a pleasant aroma to God. In essence, we smell like roses to God. It's the human senses that are all out of whack. Paul says that those who are on the way to salvation notice the fragrant aroma, but those who are on their way to destruction smell nothing but a rotting corpse. 

This means a lot to me, because most of the time when I fail at something, I smell my own decaying, rotting, flesh. I don't smell the sweetness of Christ. I don't smell what God smells. 

Perhaps some people around me also smell rotting flesh. They smell my failures, my falls, and my trip-ups. It perhaps turns them away or causes them to lay guilt trips on me. Then there are other people who still smell the fragrance of life, of love and forgiveness. 

It also goes the other way. When people around me mess up or fail, do I smell death and decay? Or, do I continue to smell the fragrance of Christ, the love and mercy that are still present in spite of failure? 

How do our communities smell? At work? At church? With friends?

Are we smelling the fragrance of forgiveness, love, and mercy when people around us fall down? Or, are we smelling decay?

In order for our communities to be healthy, love and forgiveness and helping the fallen back on their feet must be the final word. Excluding the "sinners," the people who annoy us, and the people who aren't following our rules or faiths actually degrades the health of our communities. Although punishment and correction may be part of the process, they should not be the last, defining, stand. The ultimate fragrance of a community is defined by how well we pick up the pieces and work together to help the fallen back on their feet. 

Paul tells us that God doesn't smell our mistakes, but smells the fragrance of Christ. His senses are filtered through the love of Jesus, not the wishy-washiness of our own decisions and beliefs. He loves us more than we could ever imagine, more than the pictures we paint of ourselves, and more than the pictures others paint of us. Do we dare believe this? In spite of everything we tell ourselves, and everything we're told by the people around us, do we dare believe this? 

Today's Action: Throughout the day, we're inevitably going to hear a complaint about somebody. Instead of turning the conversation into backstabbing gossip, maybe we can try to figure out how we can love the person in question and help them back to their feet. Turn a conversation that could easily turn sour into a conversation that can lead to preserving a healthy community. May we remember how God smells us compared to how we smell ourselves and the people around us.

Cane Sugar

Normally, when going to the corner store, I put on a backpack to carry a twelve pack.  Today I didn't. I went to get a coke.  I felt light.

The cashier asked me about the coke, "Why do you like this coke?"  I told him that I thought it was sweeter.  The next cashier chimed in, "It's because they make it with cane sugar." This conversation went on for a bit.  When the cashier handed me my change, I thought, "Dang.  Look at all the money I'm getting back."

Today, I plan on using the rest of my thirty pack for target practice.  It's time for a change.  This will be "Level IV".  Tomorrow or the next day I hope to be surfing with Nate.

Uncompromised (Pentecost - Day 10)

(Based on 2 Corinthians 1:12-22)

It was an act of God that I got through yesterday without smoking a cigarette. There were several times, like after I ate dinner last night, that I couldn't imagine not having one. I kept staring at my roommate's pack sitting on the chair, wanting one, thinking about having one, and thinking about saying screw it.

I'm here again, in the 60th hour of not smoking, somehow still making it. By no fanciful program of my own, no spiritual formulas, no special prayer, something or someone has been doing for me what I absolutely can't do for myself right now. I don't have the ability to remove my obsession. That would be the equivalent of giving myself amnesia or erasing my past. All I can do is not smoke. The rest is up to my Higher Power.

Paul is pleased to report that he made it through whatever trouble happened in Asia Province, and that it was because of no fanciful footwork. He says that God gave him the ability to focus on Him. He says that God kept him uncompromised throughout his travels. Because of God, Paul was able to live another day to continue carrying the message of love, forgiveness, salvation, and freedom. Evidently, there's been some rumors going around the audience that Paul doesn't keep his word. Since he told the audience he was planning to visit on his way to Macedonia, but didn't make it, he was wishy-washy and non-committal. Paul defends himself on this, but then uses it to talk about God's promises.

He says that God makes his promises known through Jesus. I don't understand this nor do I want to think about it. He also says that God stamps us with His spirit - an eternal pledge to finish the work he's started. I like this. The spirit inside of us is what Paul calls God's Yes. 

On a digressive note - there was this time after I quit drinking that I was okay with having fun with people who were drinking. That is a part of life for me now - going anywhere with anyone to have fun. Alcohol doesn't have the impact it once had on me. Right now, I can't say the same for cigarettes. Or, it doesn't seem like I can. I can't imagine driving without cigarettes. I can't imagine going to work and taking my break without cigarettes. I can't imagine eating without cigarettes. I need to pray more than I have been. Without prayer, I'm just doing fancy footwork. I'm trying to mold my own non-smoking plan, and I've proven to myself over and over again what it looks like for Jon to quit anything.

Can I trust that life will still be interesting without? Can I trust that God will still be interesting without? Can I trust that cigarettes actually aren't beneficial in any way? Can I believe that there will actually be benefits that come that I can't see right now? Can I believe that there will come a time when I won't be thinking about cigarettes all the time or wanting one all the time? Do I believe that I don't have a solution other than not smoking? Do I believe that God, or Jesus, or the Power of the Universe, or Positive Energy, or The Spirit, or The Creator can do what I can't do (remove the mental obsession I have toward cigarettes)?

Rescue is coming one moment at a time. That's all I have, that's all we have. One moment at a time. Listening to God's Yes whispering inside each of us, may we believe that something bigger than us is drawing us, pulling us forward, restoring us and the world around us. 

It's time to go to work, a day after Memorial Day. What's going to be the action for the day . . .

Today's Action: Pick one "struggle" that we're dealing with in life right now. Have we decided to let ourselves be rescued, or are we still kicking and screaming, or both? As much as we can, as many moments as we can, be grateful for rescue and new life.

Level III

It's a tent revival
My mother-in-law sang
Hallelujah
While my daughter held up
Beer cans

Level 3 - the easter bunny slope

Rescue (Pentecost - Day 9)

Yummy

(Based on 2 Corinthians 1:1-11)

Im in the forty-first hour of not smoking. I have been craving cigarettes so bad that the only things I can possibly think of eating are high-sugar, high-salt foods. They're the only things that come close to a cigarette. I can't stop obsessing and craving, and I don't know how long it will take for these cravings and obsessions to be removed. 

Which brings me to an interesting point.

Just where exactly do the obsessions go? How do they go? How long does it take?

The reason we quit stuff is because there was something there in the first place that just wasn't right. right? Otherwise, why would there ever be a need to quit anything. Does anybody ever quit school because their grades are just too good? Or, does anybody ever quit going to church because the pastor's on a hot streak? Does anybody quit their job over a raise?

No.

We quit stuff because there is something at the center of our core that says . . . this is not right for you . . .this is hurting you . . . there's more out there than this.

A few weeks ago, I went through three days of uncontrollable mental obsession about porn. I could not get the thoughts out of my head. They just kept coming, flying at me every moment, and I was helpless. The only thing I could do was . . . not look at porn.  

And that's where I am right now. The only thing I have power to do is . . . not smoke a cigarette. I can't stop the thoughts, or stop the obsessing, or stop the craving. Something else is going to have to step in for that work. In a way, this is a test. 

If quitting stuff is simply about not physically doing that thing anymore, but having to deal with the emotional and mental obsessions for the rest of my life, there is no point in quitting. If quitting cigarettes, or porn, or drinking, or anger, or lust, or envy, or laziness, or eating fast food . . . is simply about removing myself from the temptation . . . I might as well light up, look up, drink up, scream up, sex up, sleep up, and size up. Or, "bop til' ya' drop," as my sponsor says. 

In the first chapter of 2 Corinthians, Paul talks about how something crazy happened in Asia province where he almost died. He didn't think he was going to make it, he was a goner for sure. We aren't told what happened, but it sounds pretty intense. 

He tells us that he was rescued. Rescued. 

To be rescued is to imply that more than one person is involved. To be rescued means that the person in trouble has run out of options, run out of energy, run out of breath, run out of power.

When quitting stuff is about removing myself from the temptation, or just staying away from certain people or things that "trigger" my temptation, I am stating to the world, "I've got it beat!" Sure, it may seem that I am kicking another habit, but in reality I am inching closer and closer to falling right back in. When I avoid temptation like the plague, I am actually trying to rescue myself. If I only stay away from this place . . . this person . . . this event.

To be rescued implies that I am powerless and that my heart and mind need complete restoration. I need CPR. I need dry land. I need breath. I need power. I have given up. I've heard that one of the dangers of trying to rescue drowning people is, when the lifeguard swims out to the person, they are still aware of their situation. 

They panic, and their arms flail back and forth, they scream, and their instincts are to keep fighting. Sometimes, their instincts don't turn off and they put the rescuer in danger of drowning. 

It's frightening to throw our hands down, stop kicking and screaming, and get quiet, knowing that we've run out of options. It's frightening to know that we don't have the power to quit something or to stay quit. We have to be rescued, and we have to let ourselves be rescued. I need more than a simple removal of things. I need a complete change of heart and the removal of whatever it was inside that drove me to smoke that first cigarette nearly fifteen years ago. That's what I need removed. The cigarette is purely a symptom of that fear of not feeling accepted. That's really what I'm quitting, and that's really what's going to be removed should I keep going. I'm either going to continue being afraid of not being accepted and smoke a cigarette eventually, or I'm going to trust that my Higher Power accepts me just as I am and never smoke again. 

Hopefully, today will be a little easier than yesterday. Hopefully, I can . . . just . . . not . . . smoke . . . until the powerful craving and obsession are removed by a Power much bigger and badder than myself. 

Today's Action: What's one thing in life that hurts worse and worse the longer it's held? Am I willing to experience the pain, craziness, obsession, and insanity of letting it go? Do I believe that since I created the mess I'm in, I can't pull myself out of it?

Lamb (Pentecost - Day 8)

(Based on Revelations 7:1-17)

Imagine the President of the United States is sitting in a chair inside of Texas Stadium. His seat is located in a centralized area for his aides, secretaries, and congress. Surrounding him are all his staff, including elder statesmen/women. Every person attending this event has been given an American flag to wave for when the President walks out to his chair. There is even a known chorus among the masses called the National Anthem that will be sung. These events are held once a year, and they are for the public execution of criminals. Criminals who have been charged with threatening the safety and comfort of the United States get hung, killed by firing squad, or electrocuted inside Texas stadium once a year. The whole idea is to purge any threats of the American way of life.

I know this sounds a bit fantasized for us, but for Rome around the time this letter was written, this was happening. Obviously, Texas stadium would have been the Colosseum and the president would have been the ruling caesar. The American flag would have been palm branches, and the song would have been played by water organ and curved harp.

We're told in the scriptures that Jesus was the perfect lamb, spotless lamb, and lamb that was slain. A lamb in Roman times represented a very gentle and defenseless creature. During the Gladiator games in the Colosseum, lambs wound not have been used. The demand was for blood thirsty animals like lions and tigers. There were several different types of shows that would go in, including animal hunts. This is where a gladiator would maneuver around different props inside the stadium to find the giraffe, elephant, rhino, or hippo hiding. The props would mimic the animal's natural setting. The only time docile, non-predatory creatures were used in the games was on animal hunts - where a human being hunted the animal.

In the vision that's painted by John in Revelation, God is sitting on a throne surrounded by angels, elders, and animals. There are 144,000 people - 12,000 from each tribe of Israel - standing before the throne. Behind them are all the nations, tribes, languages, and people waving palm branches and singing praises to God. Everyone is wearing a white robe. One of the elders speaks to John during the vision saying, "Do you know who all the people in the white robes are?"

The elder says they are all the ones who made it through the Tribulation, which is what preterists call the Roman conquest of Jerusalem in A.D. 70.

Although the Colosseum couldn't hold more than about fifty thousand spectators, Paul is using metaphor to describe who it is that this lamb has been slain for. He says everyone - all nations, all languages, and all people. It was common during the games for the spectators to receive prizes or chances to receive gifts, just like drawings happen today at sporting events.

It was very common for the emperor at the time to call himself Lord or God, and Son of God. This is what makes Jesus so controversial and threatening to the empire at the time. He was a threat, a criminal, and deserved to be killed in public execution style. The picture or vision that John puts together is one that directly corrolates to how the Roman games in the Colosseum would have been played out. Except, he replaces the emperor with the "Most High God," and it's this God the people are worshiping. The lamb slain in the middle of the colosseum represents Jesus, the Lamb of God. The robes of the people have been washed clean in the blood of the lamb, and now they are surrounding the throne, not under manipulative power of the emperor, but under the unending love and compassion by the Great King.

It is there that John tells us this King will make his home. It's with the people, and there will be no more hunger, no more thirst, and no more scorching heat (possibly referring to drought in Rome or the Great Fire).

There about a million different ways to go with this passage, but I'd like to go the way of restoration. In this passage, there are things and people being restored. The kingship is restored. No longer is the king a deceiving, manipulating, controller of the people, but a compassionate provider and forgiver of the people. No longer is the stadium used as a platform for public killings, but a stage for mass washings and renewals. No longer are animals used to kill or be killed, but they accompany the High King by His throne. No longer are sections of the colosseum divided by social and power status, but everyone's status is defined by the lamb slain in the middle of the arena. Everyone has received status of "forgiven and washed clean."

Money Mission (Pentecost - Day 7)

(Based on 1 Timothy 6:6-21)

The beautiful part about what we read in Timothy is, the church and its leaders were just as screwed up as they are today. We find the same remnants of manipulation, religious treachery, and the money game. In Paul's final letter to Timothy, he talks about money. 

I remember sitting in the auditorium of a church I used to attend, and it was filled with people. This church had grown massively. There was a ton of good being done, and there still is, in the community and around the world. I loved the leadership and I loved being involved in whatever way I could be. However, the dreaded conversation came one Sunday that I hoped would never come. 

The pastor unwrapped in polished speech and powerpoint, an eloquent presentation of a proposed building campaign. It would only take $4 million and thirty years to pay off. But, it was needed and essential, the pastor said. There were things we couldn't do without building bigger buildings. The journey began, and the church voted in support of the endeavor. I couldn't see how building bigger toys and getting into debt would somehow make a larger impact on the community. So, I opted out and left. While that church continues to draw massive amounts of people and impact the lives of many people, I still am left with one question - Why is money so important to the church?

Paul paints a picture for us about how the leadership of Timothy's church is functioning. We've already been told leaders are turning things that are holy and beautiful like marriage and food, into unholy, secular things. He tells us they spend a lot of time talking religious jargon, and very little time getting into action. Now, Paul tells us they are in it to make a buck. He says they are "infecting the air with germs of envy, controversy, and bad-mouthing," all part of the pyramid scheme of making a profit. 

It's interesting to me that Paul starts this chapter off with a word to slaves. In that time, slaves were not what we think about today - chained up, locked behind closed doors, and beaten for a living. Slaves were more like household servants. For whatever reason, they had gotten into debt with someone, and by law it was required to pay the debt off. If the person didn't have the resources, they would work it off until it was paid off in full. The lender became the master, and the borrower became the slave. However, once the debt was paid off, the slave became free again, and the master didn't have a slave anymore. While there probably were many cases of physical abuse and mistreatment, the concept behind it was: work for me until you're debt is paid off. 

In this context, Paul starts the chapter off with the instructions for slaves to respect their masters. He doesn't want the misbehavior of slaves or masters to cause people to blame God or his teachings for the problems created between the tension of the slave and master relationship. I believe Paul starts the chapter off with this example because he wants the audience to know that there is a slave to master relationship going on in Timothy's church. 

In the same way that slaves work off their debts to masters, the leaders of Timothy's church are holding the congregants up to burdens that shouldn't even be there. They are creating a sense of guilt and envy in getting the congregation to give money to the church. The leaders are getting very good at creating a false sense of debt among their people, in a way that places a heavy burden of debt on the very people who are the lifeblood of the church. 

It's in the midst of this injustice that Paul is charging Timothy to speak out, and to call the perpetrators what they are: arrogant windbags obsessed with money. He wants Timothy to call them to quit chasing after money and power, and to start chasing after God. Then, Paul goes into a beautiful explanation of what it looks like to be wealthy.

It looks like having bread on the table and shoes on our feet. It looks like being rich in helping others. It's a richness full of generosity. It's a wealth full of grace. Paul tells us that when we run like hell away from the lust for money, we find a whole treasury full of riches that we would have never dreamed of. It's inner peace, love for others, and a renewed sense of love for God. Paul and Timothy are not rich, nor are they looking to get there. They have found contentment in financial poverty, because they are finding all the wealth they could have ever wanted through helping others and loving God.

I believe Paul is conveying a message that needs to be heard in today's church. It's about lust for money. When I think of lust, I think of spending all my money on myself, and buying new toys all the time, and always pining for a better job, better paycheck, and better benefits. While I think this is one picture of lust for money, I don't think it's the whole picture. 

There's this other side of it, and it's on a much wider scale. I believe another angle of lust for money is the idea that impacts on the community can't be accomplished without more money. While I am writing this in regard to the church, I am also writing on a personal level as well. The principle works on both levels. 

The paradigm of the idea of helping others has gotten very distorted. We often find it very easy to respond to needs in the community by pouring our resources into them. If people are hungry, we buy groceries. If a disaster happens, like an earthquake or tornado, we send donations through Twitter. I believe the church has been responding to needs through financial resources for so long, that she's forgotten how to give herself, to break herself open, even when there's not a penny left to her name. The church has become so good at getting the right system created to make the most bang for the buck that we can't possibly think of just going out into the community with nothing but the clothes on our backs. The idea of showing up with nothing to give scares us. It means we actually have to talk and build relationships. 

I believe Paul is empowering Timothy to be himself because he has already been given all the wealth he could ever need. Do we see this happening in our small groups, communities, and churches? When we talk about where to go, who to serve, and what to do, are we talking solely about where our money is going, serving, and doing?

When it comes to serving others and being the church, money should not and certainly doesn't have to be a determining factor. As Paul says, we were born penniless and we'll go out penniless, so why should it be a driving force for our missional purposes? While money is definitely an asset that can be used for doing a lot of good in the world, it is a two-edged sword. It can actually prevent us from being ourselves and opening ourselves up. 

Have you ever stopped to hang out with a homeless person, only to find that you didn't have anything to give? What happened? There's been a couple times that I've intentionally not given anything to people, just so I could re-find my sense of commonality and humanity. I just wanted to talk. I didn't want to wear the hat of financial benevolence. I just wanted to share some time with another human being, and learn about them and them about me. It's very humbling to share time without anything to give but self. Yet, these turn out to be the most beautiful, life-giving moments because there is not a slave master relationship.

I believe the church does a very good job at giving something. There's no doubt about that. However, I believe that the way we give determines if we are creating relationships of slave to master, or creating relationships of equality and brotherly love. It's the giving of ourselves through conversation, time, and presence that destroys the idea that money is the defining force between where we serve, how we serve, and whom we serve. It's the naked feeling of not having a sandwich in our hands or money in our pockets that catapults us into the unlimited wealth of sharing our time, faith, and love with others. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. Millions of people worldwide will be in a church service. I wonder how many "service projects" will be talked about in terms of how much money is given or needed in order to fulfill the wanted mission. I hope that we as sharers in the unlimited wealth that we've been given, can learn to not feel the need to always have something to give. I hope that we learn that giving ourselves, our conversations, and our time is enough and always will be. I hope that money becomes a secondary aid and not the primary factor in where, how, and whom we serve. 

Today's Action: Pick one person who we consider "needy" in our lives. Intentionally join up with that person and just talk. Share time and conversation, and see what happens. 

Flounder Gigging

This is a painting by Paul Klee.  I like it.

Jon took me gigging for the first time in my life.  It was really good timing for the trip.

Two spoonbills greeted us there.  My company is called Spoonbill.  Cool seeing them.

Surprisingly, there were no flounder.  Perfect conditions, except for a few million mosquitoes.  I have no whelps to speak of, so okay there.

I'm a happy camper :-)  Maybe annoyingly happy :/  Oh well... I learned the flounder walk. S-l-o-w and Q-u-i-e-t.  Feet slide through the water.

How about an ASCII flounder and a jelly fish.
                        
 ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~

           *      

          *       00

                  \\\\   

                                          

        *    

   >|||:>    

It's late.  I'm delirious. Going to read "Simply Jesus" by NT Wright.

Making A Difference

“We can do no great things - only small things with great love.” - Mother Theresa.

The Board (Pentecost - Day 6)

(Based on 1 Timothy 5:17-25)

Recently, at a church I used to attend, the music pastor and his wife were both forced to resign. They had both been there from the beginning, helping the church grow from a few people meeting in a living room to a massive congregation of 3,000 people. According to the pastor of the church, the couple did not live up to the agreed statutes of the contract they had signed when they stepped into leadership. They had agreed to give a certain amount of their income to the church, something expected of all the paid staff, but all of their gifts were going outside the church. Conversations had been going on for about two years, trying to get the couple to start giving to the church, but it was to no avail. 

Both the man and his wife had huge impacts in the community. The wife led a bible study that was drawing more than 500 women to listen to her teach. The husband spent a lot of time teaching high school age students and others who didn't really have much going for them how to improve their music skills. I even knew of a foster kid who played the guitar, and this man personally bought him a new guitar in order to help the kid excel in his music. 

Nonetheless, the couple failed to live up to the binding contract they had agreed to from the beginning. Although they were giving sacrificially outside of the church in ways that really helped people, they weren't giving to the building that housed the people and the administrative costs of that effort. 

When the congregation found out that the couple was forced to resign, there was a huge uproar. The members were allowed to show up to the church to voice their opinions about the situation, after the resignation. Basically, nothing could be done to turn it around, but the people were allowed to say what was on their mind. The decision to fire the couple was made by a group of board members. Had the decision been a public decision, the couple possibly wouldn't have been fired. 

Never in the scriptures does it say that leadership staff should be forced to sign contracts in order to carry out their duties. Does it mean that it shouldn't happen? The problem with contracts - especially when it comes to serving the community - is that leaders are human beings. Contracts get broken, just like the ten commandments or any other biblical laws get broken. 

In today's passage, Paul gives instructions about church leadership. He says workers who are doing a really good job should get bonuses. He says that when paid leaders fall into sin, they should be called out on the carpet. That all makes sense when the lives of church staff are transparent, and the church structure and leadership is transparent. In his day of the house church, everyone worked together and played together. Everyone knew what was going on in everyone's life. Church structure wasn't built around spending six days a week trying to create the best two hour service on Sunday. Church structure wasn't built around figuring out how to make the most bang for the buck. 

However, church leadership structure was based on one thing: how best to carry the message of Christ into the world. The leaders gathered together with the people to figure out how they could carry out a message of freedom in Christ to a world that was oppressed by Roman and religious emperialism and oppression. When Paul was writing Timothy in this letter, he was telling him that church leaders were accountable to the people. The the lay men and women were the ones who held the leadership accountable. They knew what injustice was. They knew what was right and wrong. Paul says, "Don't listen to a complaint against a leader if there are not two or three witnesses supporting the claim." Who would these complaints be coming from? The people of the church. 

Nowadays, leaders in the church are seemingly perfect. The gap between church leadership and the people who have the responsibility of keeping them accountable is staggering. I would argue that Paul encourages Timothy to have referees instead of leaving the accountability of church leadership up to the leaders themselves. It's the people being led who know if they're being led correctly, being challenged to practice what they preach, and being supported in their struggles. 

Instead of letting the members of the church hold leaders accountable, leaders have become their own referees, their own appointed judges. The voice of the many has been smothered by the voice of the few. 

Last night, I had the opportunity to witness something that is very rare within a church body or any other body for that matter. Each person in my small group had a chance to have their say on which direction the group should go. Every voice that wanted to be heard was heard. Because of our conversation and the conversations to come, the regular Joes and Jolees are getting to direct the ship.

I think what happened last night comes very close to what Paul is trying to convey to Timothy. The people of the church are not stupid. They know when leaders are fulfilling their duties or not. The decisions of the people are much more accurate than the decisions made behind closed doors in secret. Leaders inside the church should not be solely accountable to each other, but should be accountable to the people they are leading. 

Today's Action: Whatever our vocation or position, ask the people we "lead" how we're doing. If we're teachers, let the students tell us how we're doing. If we're managers, let our co-workers tell us how we're doing. If we're pastors, let the members of the church tell us how we're doing. Lets be open-minded enough to be held accountable by the people we are trying to lead. 

Teachers (Pentecost - Day 5)

(Based on 1 Timothy 4:1-16)

I used to be a leader in Young Life, which is an organization that centers around loving high school students. I had the opportunity to grow really close to a group of five or six guys during a trip to Colorado, and from that trip sprung some relationships that are still going on ten years later. We spent a lot of time together going through a book called "Wild at Heart" and creating havoc. We prayed together, ate together, drank coffee together, and struggled together. When they entered their senior years of high school, I was heavy into my drinking. Up until this point, I thought if I just stayed away from alcohol and focused on being a good leader, I could keep that part of my life in the closet. Eventually though, there was nothing that could keep it compartmentalized. My friends would come over to the house finding me slurring and swaying with a bottle in hand. It was in these moments that they saw me as a messy, dirty, hopeless human being. I was no longer able to keep my "leadership" life separated from my drinking life. They blurred into one, and nothing could stop it. 

I still wonder if the times my friends saw me in that state screwed them up. I wonder if my actions gave them permission to do the same things. I wonder what I was teaching them in those moments. 

Every once in awhile, I'll get a message from one of those guys saying how much they appreciated me. It reminds me that no matter how messed up I am at any given time, there is good coming through. I just don't see it most of the time. 

In today's passage, Paul encourages Timothy about his teaching. He says there are three avenues through which we teach: word, demeanor, faith, love, and integrity, and he is trying to empower Timothy to help restore the broken church he's a part of. The church is getting overrun by liars who are telling people not to get married and not to eat certain types of food. They aren't viewing creation as holy, but are diving everything up into secular and sacred parts. Paul wants Timothy to live out something different. He wants Tim to put his teaching on display without falling into the same trap, viewing the people he disagrees with as secular thinkers.

What Paul does not do is tell Timothy to rally the troops and overthrow the leadership of the church. He doesn't tell him to picket the leaders' houses. He doesn't tell him to moralize or lecture anyone. He simply tells him to teach through word, demeanor, faith, love, and integrity.

Timothy's job is to infiltrate the broken, messy church with uplifting, encouraging, teaching. 

I love Paul because he used to murder people he didn't agree with, and now he's encouraging Timothy to not even point out the flaws of the people he disagrees with. He's encouraging him to live out what he believes, and that God will take care of the results. People will notice. 

So often, I find myself in Timothy's shoes. I stand back, look at the world and the church and see a broken, messy, disaster. Ignoring the disasters going on in my own heart, I'll start figuring out ways to change what I see. I'll start trying to fix what I have no power over. Instead of working on the parts of me that are broken and in need of major repair, I start spinning my wheels on how I can fix an institution. 

The first thing Paul told Timothy to do in the previous chapter was to pray. Now he is telling him to teach. I don't think he's talking about getting in front of an audience on a stage and declaring anything. He's talking about simply teaching in his everyday, moment to moment life. After all, aren't we all teachers? Haven't we all been taught, and we're just carrying on the messages we believe?

In our society and church, there is a gap between the teacher and the student. Just take a look at how we present messages inside the school or the church. There is a platform for the teacher and it's raised. The teacher sort of floats above the audience as this guru who has something that nobody in the audience has. The audience sits back in their chairs receiving what it is this teacher has to say. There is no dialogue, unless the teacher allows it. 

Paul is conveying here that this isn't how it actually is. In his time, open dialogue allowed everyone to realize they were teachers. Inside the temples as well as the schools, people got together and talked. People discussed politics, religion, and philosophy. People listened to each other and wanted to learn more. 

To Timothy, Paul is taking what is normal and adding to it. He is telling him that in the middle of conflict, he should still teach. As he watches the train wreck happening, don't be afraid of teaching through word, demeanor, faith, love, and integrity. 

Whoever we are and whatever we're doing, we're teachers. People are watching us. They are listening to our words. They are seeing how we practice our faiths. They are paying attention to how we love others and ourselves. Are we teaching a message that builds the people around us up? When we see problems around us, or moral dilemmas, or political or religious corruption, are we teaching the same messages or are we letting the outside world determine the content?

Today's Action: Pay attention to how we teach today. What are our words like? What is our demeanor like? What is our love like? What is our integrity like? What is our faith like? What messages are we sending out.

Fists (Pentecost - Day 3)

(Based on 1 Timothy 1:18-2:8)

A long time friend called me last night with heartbreaking news. He called to let me know that he was homeless and was deep in the grips of pills. He had no way out. Earlier this week, he had tried to kill himself by taking as many pills as he could, but woke up realizing that he just couldn't hit bottom. There was more digging to do. He's been traveling from hotel room to hotel room, living with heroin addicts and alcoholics with no place to go but the streets. As I listened to my friend unload all this information, my mind started racing with possible solutions. It took everything in my ability to not jump up and race to San Antonio. I wanted him to get better, and I wanted it to happen now. 

Several times he has asked for money, and several times he's stayed with me, but this time was different. He didn't ask for any of that, and I would have been glad to help him. He seemed to know that there was nothing anyone could do for him. His doctor and family have spread the word to everyone they know to not take him in. They have closed the door, and know that the only thing that's going to save my friend is an act of God. 

When I got off the phone, I felt helpless. I remembered back to when I was in his shoes. I remembered how scary it was to feel cut off from society. I remembered how delusional I was thinking I could just try something different and the problem would go away. I remembered not wanting to drink but doing it anyways. I remembered wanting to die, but being too scared to. I remembered feeling stuck with no way out of the hole I had dug myself into. 

There was, however, one request my friend asked of me: to pray. I was so busy banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what I could really do for him that I forgot he even asked me to pray. When I see an obvious problem in front of me, especially with a close friend, my first reaction is to figure out how to solve it. Even though my buddy didn't ask for shelter, food, or money, I was trying to figure out what was best for him. I wanted to put on my Superman cape and fly out there to save him, to rescue him, to be his God. 

I didn't remember to pray for my friend until this morning. 

He is at the point to where he's staring down the edge of the cliff. He's either going to jump or turn around. What can any human power do in this situation? 

In today's passage, Paul is telling Timothy what my friend told me to do last night. Pray. The church in the city where Timothy lives is getting overrun by people with alterior motives, and Paul has commissioned this kid to work at restoring it back to its proper place. But instead of giving Timothy a list of tangible to-do's like going to meet with the people in question, becoming the pastor, or raising a campaign, he simply tells him to pray. He tells him to pray every way he knows how, to pray for everyone he knows, and to pray for the rulers and their governments.

What Paul says at the end of the passage gives us a hint as to why he would give Timothy the first directive of prayer. He says he doesn't want men and women who are "shaking angry fists at their enemies, but raising holy hands to God." I don't know about you, but when it comes to problems being solved, my first reaction is not to pray. My first response is to start brainstorming, moving, and rallying the troops. Prayer is an afterthought most of the time. 

As I was reading the passage, I thought of all the ways I'm trying to influence my church, my friends, and my coworkers. I thought of how I've been struggling just to spend five minutes on editing the book I've written. I thought about how I've been drawing up a manifesto to present to anyone who would care to read about how the church "should" be. I thought about how I've been spending a lot of time in conversation about how beurocracy has infiltrated the church, and how a few control the whole flock. I thought about how I'm trying to make the voices of my coworkers heard, and how to find out what they're passionate about so it can be incorporated into the work environment. I thought about how I'm trying to be a good boyfriend and a good friend in general. I thought about all these "mission impossibles" and how very little time I spend in prayer about any of them. Instead, I shake my angry fists at what I dislike and work on ways to change them and myself, leaving prayer as the last resort. 

Paul makes it clear to Tim that prayer has to be at the root of the work he's about to do. If it's not, he'll just be another pawn in the system of us vs. them. He tells him to pray in every way he knows how - verbally, silently, with friends, laying down, while fishing, etc. He tells him to pray for everyone he knows - church members, church leaders, friends he knows, friends he doesn't know, family, neighbors, people on the street, people he works with, etc. He tells him to pray for rulers to run the government well so Paul and Timothy can continue to go about their business effectively and quietly.

Prayer has become an irrelevant afterthought for me when it comes to responding to the needs around me. It's become a last resort for things I believe need to change. Even in the situation that Timothy was about to face as a youngster, about to put himself in a position where he would be looked down upon by the elders and leaders of the church, Paul's first instruction was to pray hard. When there were so many things to be done on the chore list, so many problems to be turned around, prayer was the first thing on the agenda. 

This is what prayer does. It turns our attention away from the things and people we're against, and turns our attention to the things and people we're for. It makes our efforts and our missions about loving God, and turns us away from simply reacting to the injustices happening right before our eyes. When we react without prayer, our motives can be to use prejudice to fight prejudice. It just doesn't work. 

Just as Paul knew what Timothy was about to get into, we know what we are into or about to get into. We are all on different journeys, and we all have different conflicts. Are we trying get through our conflicts with angry fists, or are raising "holy hands to God?"

Today's Action: Think of all of our personal "missions." Whether they be trying to love a hurting friend or family member, trying to implement changes where we see injustice happening, or trying to follow through on something we're passionate about, are we praying? For each of these "missions," pray for: every person involved and in every way we know how.