<later>
I guess I did draw this which means I drew like I think I'd like to draw. What I mean is I don't know if I can keep the stamina it'd take to go in that direction... but if I could, I might...
Adding to my own confusion!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sober Drawing
<later>
I guess I did draw this which means I drew like I think I'd like to draw. What I mean is I don't know if I can keep the stamina it'd take to go in that direction... but if I could, I might...
Adding to my own confusion!
Cloud (Ordinary Time - Day 89)
1 Kings 7:51-8:21
King
Solomon, with 180,000 people of Israel, has completed the construction
of the temple of God. The last order is to bring the Chest of God into
the Inner Sanctuary. So, he calls all the leaders of Israel together to
finalize the finishing touches. The leaders bring the Chest from Zion,
the city of David, and carry it inside the temple. While this is going
on, a massive celebration is happening. The people are realizing that
the symbol of their deliverance from Egyptian oppression is in its
rightful place.
Inside the Chest of God are two stone tablets - the two tablets which Moses received back when God made his covenant with Israel, promising to protect them and lead them to the promised land. After the Chest makes its way into the temple, a cloud fills the space inside. Maybe it's smoke from all the burnt offerings going on outside. But, the priests aren't able to carry on their duties because the smoke is too dense. Solomon calls this smoke the glory of God, and addresses the people as the priests come out of the temple. He says,
When
we don't share a common problem, the goals become burdens. The visions
distort and twist and keep changing over time, because there wasn't a
common problem and a common solution to begin with. There's this since
of always shooting in the dark, working by trial and error. There never
seems to be a common solution, so we convince ourselves that if we just
try "this way" it'll all work out.
Inside the Chest of God are two stone tablets - the two tablets which Moses received back when God made his covenant with Israel, promising to protect them and lead them to the promised land. After the Chest makes its way into the temple, a cloud fills the space inside. Maybe it's smoke from all the burnt offerings going on outside. But, the priests aren't able to carry on their duties because the smoke is too dense. Solomon calls this smoke the glory of God, and addresses the people as the priests come out of the temple. He says,
"The glory of
God has filled this place. Ever since he delivered our ancestors from
Egypt, he never set aside any city of Israel to build a temple for
himself. However, he did choose my father David to rule. David had it in
his heart to build a temple to honor the name of God, but God told him
he wouldn't be the one to do it. He said his son would be the one to
build the temple. So, here we stand today. The temple is built, and the
Chest of God along with everything else is set in place. God's promise
remains true!"
Everyone
in Israel has grown up with the same narrative. Their fathers,
grandfathers, and great-grandfathers have carried down the story of
their rescue from oppression. Everyone knows their history. They have a
common problem and a common solution. What the temple does is set in
stone their history. It is a physical reminder of where they were and
where they are now. It was not about belief for the Israelites, but
about actual history. They were oppressed by the Egyptians and delivered
by a power greater than themselves.
The temple not only serves as a reminder of Israel's past, but serves as a memorial to the Great Deliverer.
As
a Christian, I should find one common problem with all my fellow
Christians. I should also find one common solution. What the problem was
is, I was in bondage to something. For me, it was alcohol. I couldn't
stop drinking and I had to have a power greater than myself to rescue
me. The solution was that God did something for me that I can never do
for myself. God rescued me from a life of bondage that I couldn't get
myself out of. Eventually, I realized that my bondage to alcohol was
only a beginning. The bondage was way deeper than I thought it was. The
alcoholic bondage was merely a symptom of my absolute addiction to me. I
needed a way out of being addicted to me. And I found one. I was
restored with a power to choose who to follow.
If
I stand on the outside of Christian groups and take a look in, it's
hard to find what the common problem is. It's hard to find the common
solution. It's hard to see the basic fundamental building block of why.
It's so easy to look outside ourselves and hurt for a world that is
oppressed and looking for a way out. It's easier still to think that we
are graduated from a life of oppression.
I
think one of the things that can drive communities to the ground is the
idea that we are rescued and removed from oppression - that we no
longer deal with the things that drove us mad before. We can now take up
our mats and solely focus on pouring our effort and energy outside.
As
an alcoholic, I cannot transfer what I don't have. As a Christian, I
can't either. If I lose sight of what I've been rescued from and lose
sight of the work I still have to do on a daily basis to make sure I
don't lose my mind once more, I will be on a fast track to drink again
and place myself at the center of my world.
So,
my question to anyone sharing life together in community is this: Are
we transferring something that we have, or trying to build something
with mere words?
When
we realize however, that we have a common problem in that we were each
rescued from whatever ailment drove us mad, we have a covenant. We have a
Temple. We have a mark of the invisible presence of God entering our
space like that cloud in Solomon's temple. We have a common solution in
sharing our experience, strength, and hope with other people who are
dealing with the same things. We have the opportunity to carry the grace
which saved us from ourselves into the world. We have something we can
unanimously sink our teeth into.
Today's
Action: Have we been rescued? If so, are we doing the things we need to
do to keep us from putting the chains back on? If so, are we carrying
the message of our rescue to the people who want to know a way out? Do
we find a common problem and a common solution with the people we
identify as our community?
Friday, August 30, 2013
Drawing And Alcohol
I drew yesterday. I started drawing the Time cover of the Muslim girl. I am looking forward to working on it again today. I showed Erin the drawing progress and said, "Erin, this is sober art. I want to do portraiture one day. I want to do something meaningful."
Another day with the guys. We've grown close over the years. I'm taken aback by how easy it was, again, to hang out and not drink. I was actually able to laugh and make them laugh. I felt like I was riding a bicycle that I didn't think I could ride.
Not that I'm over it, but yesterday I was. Suddenly, a rush of people and their burdens came to me. It overwhelmed me. I realized that there are so many people dealing with this on one level or another. Maybe they need aa and AA.
The other night, I asked a woman, while she took another shot, "Why are you leaving?" After so many laughs, all well I thought, it was time for the escape hatch. Last night I saw the same thing. Why take the exit door? We were enjoying each other's company. I know it will happen again this weekend. Somehow, in five day's time, I went from inward craving to outward sorrow.
For me, I never went "through the sheet". For me, it became more and more central to day to day life. It's what I looked forward to. It's been on my radar for so long now. It's a sneaky devil! A comfort on the one hand and a slow tug into an ever growing storm on the other.
The ideal situation would be to stop drinking altogether and keep my neighborhood friends. This morning, I don't see myself in AA meetings. I see myself here, as always, but sober; however, I can see that as a trap too because I may not be seeing the gravity of the place I was in just 5 days ago. I may need to fully keep up with the program. Honestly, I don't want to, but it may be necessary.
Another day with the guys. We've grown close over the years. I'm taken aback by how easy it was, again, to hang out and not drink. I was actually able to laugh and make them laugh. I felt like I was riding a bicycle that I didn't think I could ride.
Not that I'm over it, but yesterday I was. Suddenly, a rush of people and their burdens came to me. It overwhelmed me. I realized that there are so many people dealing with this on one level or another. Maybe they need aa and AA.
The other night, I asked a woman, while she took another shot, "Why are you leaving?" After so many laughs, all well I thought, it was time for the escape hatch. Last night I saw the same thing. Why take the exit door? We were enjoying each other's company. I know it will happen again this weekend. Somehow, in five day's time, I went from inward craving to outward sorrow.
For me, I never went "through the sheet". For me, it became more and more central to day to day life. It's what I looked forward to. It's been on my radar for so long now. It's a sneaky devil! A comfort on the one hand and a slow tug into an ever growing storm on the other.
The ideal situation would be to stop drinking altogether and keep my neighborhood friends. This morning, I don't see myself in AA meetings. I see myself here, as always, but sober; however, I can see that as a trap too because I may not be seeing the gravity of the place I was in just 5 days ago. I may need to fully keep up with the program. Honestly, I don't want to, but it may be necessary.
Construction (Ordinary Time - Day 88)
1 Kings 5:1-6:1, 7
In
the fourth year of King Solomon's rule, he decides to carry on the
vision that his father had. David never got to build the temple that
he'd always wanted because he had opposition on all sides and war dotted
his rule.
Solomon knows that in order to carry out his vision, he will need major help. It's a massive project and he doesn't have all the resources he needs to carry it out. So, he calls up his friend - the king of Lebanon - and invites him into his vision. He puts himself out there, knowing that Hiram could possibly say no. Lebanon is full of the best cedar and cypress trees, and Solomon needs a ton of them to build the temple. He offers to send workers to work alongside Hiram's men, cutting down trees, assembling them into rafts, and floating them over to the spot Solomon needs them. He even offers to pay Hiram's workers whatever wage he sets.
Hiram loves the vision, and he decides to go all in. He declines the offer of employee wages, but asks Solomon to just provide food for his crews. They agree on the project, and the massive campaign begins. The author says there are 180,000 people working on the project - 30,000 lumberjacks, 70,000 unskilled laborers, and 80,000 stonecutters. There are also 3,300 project managers. This is a huge construction project.
Again, this is a story that's very hard to fathom, but the principle behind it seems quite clear: Solomon had a vision, and he didn't have the resources to further the vision. He had to ask another king for help. In so doing, he created hundreds of thousands of jobs, and invited hundreds of thousands of people in the his vision of building the temple that his father had dreamed of.
Solomon could have repeated the mistakes of some of his predecessors by keeping his vision a secret, making decisions behind closed doors, and doing whatever he thought he needed to do without talking to others about it. He could have gone into Lebanon and used his authority to steal away all the cedar and cypress trees he needed. He could have left Hiram and his citizens out of the project. But, he didn't. He believe that his vision was something that everyone could be a part of, asking
permission
from Hiram was the natural thing to do. Solomon's excitement was
contagious, and Hiram jumped on board from the get go.
When we set out to create something good in the world, we don't have all the resources we need at hand. It takes people, money, and cooperation from others. It requires taking the risk of having our ideas rejected or dismissed by the ones we're inviting into it. We may have the brains behind it, but we need labor, skill, and individual talent to carry it out.
I have tried to build good things in the world behind closed doors. It just doesn't work. I'm afraid of telling anybody because in reality, I wasn't confident of the vision. I figured that people would laugh or simply tell me I was out of my mind. The truth is, if we have a vision but are afraid of asking for permission from people who are providing the resources, then we never really had a solid vision in the first place. Projects that last are the ones where the people providing the resources know the details. The excitement is contagious. People can personally visualize what they're helping to build, and can turn it into reality.
I moved to Galveston under the guise of developing a community among the poor. My plans were to help people get out of poverty, get jobs, and come to know the God I believed in. However, I had this internal dilemma going on that was sucking me dry. I couldn't stop drinking. I had a war going on inside of me. The battle raging within caused me to take my vision on my own and leave other people out of it. The people I was closest to were left on the outside looking in. It didn't take long after moving to Galveston for my vision to crumble and completely turn in a different direction because I never created a support system or invited other people with their resources into it.
Today, I'm getting a do-over. I'm getting to invite people into a vision I have of a group of people sharing their "sacred places" with each other. I know that I can't do it on my own, and that I need the direction and consent of people who will be directly responsible for creating this "temple." Inviting other people into this and asking them to contribute places me at a place of vulnerability. I will get rejected and dismissed. However, there will be people who love the idea. The excitement is getting contagious. There is no end to the amount of good that a group of inspired people can create in the world, and there is nothing that can stop it.
Today's Action: What is the thing that we're most passionate about? Have we dreamed of how we can use that passion to create good in the world? Have we invited people into it? Are we dreaming big? Do we realize that we don't have all the resources we need to build?
Solomon knows that in order to carry out his vision, he will need major help. It's a massive project and he doesn't have all the resources he needs to carry it out. So, he calls up his friend - the king of Lebanon - and invites him into his vision. He puts himself out there, knowing that Hiram could possibly say no. Lebanon is full of the best cedar and cypress trees, and Solomon needs a ton of them to build the temple. He offers to send workers to work alongside Hiram's men, cutting down trees, assembling them into rafts, and floating them over to the spot Solomon needs them. He even offers to pay Hiram's workers whatever wage he sets.
Hiram loves the vision, and he decides to go all in. He declines the offer of employee wages, but asks Solomon to just provide food for his crews. They agree on the project, and the massive campaign begins. The author says there are 180,000 people working on the project - 30,000 lumberjacks, 70,000 unskilled laborers, and 80,000 stonecutters. There are also 3,300 project managers. This is a huge construction project.
Again, this is a story that's very hard to fathom, but the principle behind it seems quite clear: Solomon had a vision, and he didn't have the resources to further the vision. He had to ask another king for help. In so doing, he created hundreds of thousands of jobs, and invited hundreds of thousands of people in the his vision of building the temple that his father had dreamed of.
Solomon could have repeated the mistakes of some of his predecessors by keeping his vision a secret, making decisions behind closed doors, and doing whatever he thought he needed to do without talking to others about it. He could have gone into Lebanon and used his authority to steal away all the cedar and cypress trees he needed. He could have left Hiram and his citizens out of the project. But, he didn't. He believe that his vision was something that everyone could be a part of, asking
When we set out to create something good in the world, we don't have all the resources we need at hand. It takes people, money, and cooperation from others. It requires taking the risk of having our ideas rejected or dismissed by the ones we're inviting into it. We may have the brains behind it, but we need labor, skill, and individual talent to carry it out.
I have tried to build good things in the world behind closed doors. It just doesn't work. I'm afraid of telling anybody because in reality, I wasn't confident of the vision. I figured that people would laugh or simply tell me I was out of my mind. The truth is, if we have a vision but are afraid of asking for permission from people who are providing the resources, then we never really had a solid vision in the first place. Projects that last are the ones where the people providing the resources know the details. The excitement is contagious. People can personally visualize what they're helping to build, and can turn it into reality.
I moved to Galveston under the guise of developing a community among the poor. My plans were to help people get out of poverty, get jobs, and come to know the God I believed in. However, I had this internal dilemma going on that was sucking me dry. I couldn't stop drinking. I had a war going on inside of me. The battle raging within caused me to take my vision on my own and leave other people out of it. The people I was closest to were left on the outside looking in. It didn't take long after moving to Galveston for my vision to crumble and completely turn in a different direction because I never created a support system or invited other people with their resources into it.
Today, I'm getting a do-over. I'm getting to invite people into a vision I have of a group of people sharing their "sacred places" with each other. I know that I can't do it on my own, and that I need the direction and consent of people who will be directly responsible for creating this "temple." Inviting other people into this and asking them to contribute places me at a place of vulnerability. I will get rejected and dismissed. However, there will be people who love the idea. The excitement is getting contagious. There is no end to the amount of good that a group of inspired people can create in the world, and there is nothing that can stop it.
Today's Action: What is the thing that we're most passionate about? Have we dreamed of how we can use that passion to create good in the world? Have we invited people into it? Are we dreaming big? Do we realize that we don't have all the resources we need to build?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Quiet
The crash of the FLIP-FLOP of my flip flops has returned to normal. Things are much more quiet. Last night I went over to the neighbors. First time in many a moon that I haven't drank while hanging out. One thing I noticed - they drink slow. Lollo didn't even finish his beer. How could he talk for an hour and have one beer sitting beside him and a half beer in his hand? We talked and I wasn't a bore, although Myles had me listen to System Of The Down where this guy says, "I got better." - the point being that he is boring. Here is the part:
Lollo mentioned his art cousin who does crappy work while sober, but "good shit" when he's all effed up.
There are Labor Day parties this weekend. I'm not unnerved by them. My plan is to drink O'Douls and paint. I want to coexist with my neighbors. I don't want to blame them for what I do or cut them off for what they do. It'll be challenging this weekend, but maybe not. I had no red flags or compulsions last night.
I really want to turn my attention to portraiture. I plan on practicing today from a Time photograph of the muslim girl. I love the photograph.
I'm very thankful to Jon for befriending me and to his and my surprise introducing me to AA. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. It has been eye opening. I'm on page 145 or so. It was perfect timing for all this to happen. I'm thankful.
I sit, in my desolate room, no lights, no music,
Just anger,
I've killed everyone,
I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
Just anger,
I've killed everyone,
I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
Lollo mentioned his art cousin who does crappy work while sober, but "good shit" when he's all effed up.
There are Labor Day parties this weekend. I'm not unnerved by them. My plan is to drink O'Douls and paint. I want to coexist with my neighbors. I don't want to blame them for what I do or cut them off for what they do. It'll be challenging this weekend, but maybe not. I had no red flags or compulsions last night.
I really want to turn my attention to portraiture. I plan on practicing today from a Time photograph of the muslim girl. I love the photograph.
I'm very thankful to Jon for befriending me and to his and my surprise introducing me to AA. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. It has been eye opening. I'm on page 145 or so. It was perfect timing for all this to happen. I'm thankful.
Halve the Baby (Ordinary Time - Day 87
1 Kings 3:16-28
In
today's passage, there's two prostitutes. They show up before King
Solomon with a lawsuit. The first woman says that she had a baby. She
then claims that three days after she had her baby, the other woman gave
birth to a child. Unfortunately, the second woman accidentally rolled
over her baby in her sleep, suffocating it. So, the second woman decided
to swap babies in the middle of the night.
The next morning, the first woman awoke to feed her baby, and it wasn't hers. She was trying to feed a dead baby.
They went back and forth in front of the king, each claiming that the living baby was theirs.
Since no agreement or compromise could be found, the king told his servant to bring a sword. He said, "Since this baby isn't both of yours, take the sword and cut the baby in half."
The real mother of the baby was overcome with emotion at the thought of her son being chopped in two. So she exclaimed, "Please! Don't do this. Give the whole baby to her! Do not kill the baby!"
The king realized then who was telling the truth. The first woman was the real mother. He said, "Nobody's going to kill this baby. She is the real mother."
I have a hard time believing that this story is true, but the principle behind it is: If two people or two groups are at odds with each other, there needs to be an outside referee to find the truth. If there is
compromise or agreement without an objective viewpoint, then everything is good. But, if the two sides can't come to an agreement or compromise, how is the thinking that got them into the problem going to get them out of it?
With every altercation, there are three angles to the story. One angle comes from the plaintiff, one angle comes from the defendant, and the other angle is the truth. I don't know about you, but I hate it when I have to rely on an outside party to determine a solution between me and whoever I'm at odds against. But, if I am not willing to compromise something or look inside of myself to see why I'm so offended, then the three options I have are: run away, keep fighting, or get an objective person to speak into the situation.
The only reason the two women would have needed to go before the king is that neither of them could find a solution for themselves. They had to have outside help.
Running or fighting - or, fight or flee - are not adequate solutions when it comes to building relationships. These options keep me from taking a good, hard look within myself to see what's really going on. They keep me from asking myself how I contributed to the mess I find myself in. The problem is that running or fighting are inherently human characteristics. That's what we do. That's how we're wired.
The truth is that we need a third option that comes from thinking outside of ourselves - a spiritual option. We need a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength to see altercation to the end in a way that doesn't cause more harm to ourselves or the other party. An extremely challenging part of being in relationship is learning how to not get offended every time the other party does something we don't like. Then, it's learning how to resolve the conflict, and it can't be resolved by trying to get the other person to change their ways.
If I am offended by someone else, and that person is offended by me, and neither of us are willing to compromise, the solution is to find a third party objective view to speak into the matter and find a solution.
If I am offended by someone else, and look inside myself to see why, I have something to work with. I can seek out a third party viewpoint to find out what I can do differently, and change something to make sure that I don't keep getting offended and angry every time the person does what they do.
Today's Action: Is there an altercation painting our lives right now? Are we going to the grave with the idea that we can change the other person or party? Try taking a deep, hard look within ourselves to see why we are offended. Then, talk to someone about it, asking them to tell us what we can do differently to find peace.
The next morning, the first woman awoke to feed her baby, and it wasn't hers. She was trying to feed a dead baby.
They went back and forth in front of the king, each claiming that the living baby was theirs.
Since no agreement or compromise could be found, the king told his servant to bring a sword. He said, "Since this baby isn't both of yours, take the sword and cut the baby in half."
The real mother of the baby was overcome with emotion at the thought of her son being chopped in two. So she exclaimed, "Please! Don't do this. Give the whole baby to her! Do not kill the baby!"
The king realized then who was telling the truth. The first woman was the real mother. He said, "Nobody's going to kill this baby. She is the real mother."
I have a hard time believing that this story is true, but the principle behind it is: If two people or two groups are at odds with each other, there needs to be an outside referee to find the truth. If there is
compromise or agreement without an objective viewpoint, then everything is good. But, if the two sides can't come to an agreement or compromise, how is the thinking that got them into the problem going to get them out of it?
With every altercation, there are three angles to the story. One angle comes from the plaintiff, one angle comes from the defendant, and the other angle is the truth. I don't know about you, but I hate it when I have to rely on an outside party to determine a solution between me and whoever I'm at odds against. But, if I am not willing to compromise something or look inside of myself to see why I'm so offended, then the three options I have are: run away, keep fighting, or get an objective person to speak into the situation.
The only reason the two women would have needed to go before the king is that neither of them could find a solution for themselves. They had to have outside help.
Running or fighting - or, fight or flee - are not adequate solutions when it comes to building relationships. These options keep me from taking a good, hard look within myself to see what's really going on. They keep me from asking myself how I contributed to the mess I find myself in. The problem is that running or fighting are inherently human characteristics. That's what we do. That's how we're wired.
The truth is that we need a third option that comes from thinking outside of ourselves - a spiritual option. We need a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength to see altercation to the end in a way that doesn't cause more harm to ourselves or the other party. An extremely challenging part of being in relationship is learning how to not get offended every time the other party does something we don't like. Then, it's learning how to resolve the conflict, and it can't be resolved by trying to get the other person to change their ways.
If I am offended by someone else, and that person is offended by me, and neither of us are willing to compromise, the solution is to find a third party objective view to speak into the matter and find a solution.
If I am offended by someone else, and look inside myself to see why, I have something to work with. I can seek out a third party viewpoint to find out what I can do differently, and change something to make sure that I don't keep getting offended and angry every time the person does what they do.
Today's Action: Is there an altercation painting our lives right now? Are we going to the grave with the idea that we can change the other person or party? Try taking a deep, hard look within ourselves to see why we are offended. Then, talk to someone about it, asking them to tell us what we can do differently to find peace.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Extra Strength (Ordinary Time - Day 86)
1 Kings 3:1-15
Sitting
in the room underneath my house, I prayed. I went down my list of
people and things, praying for whatever I thought the person needed. I
was hungover, breathing fire from the alcohol I drank the night before,
knowing in the bottom of my heart that I was barely hanging on. The
prayers were the only thing I had. Praying for the release from the
terrible obsession I had to drink would mean change - a change that I
was much too afraid of being a part of. So, morning after morning I
would offer up my sacrifice, my list of people who needed something from
God.
As long as I could manage my drinking or manage the delirium I was experiencing as a result of the drinking, I would be okay and prayer for my own problems would not be necessary just yet.
There always comes a time when my own demons overcome me to the point that other people just don't matter when it comes to prayer. All I can see is the pile of trouble in front of me. Then, the 9-1-1 prayers come into play. "God, take this away from me. God, help me not drink today. God, forgive me for drinking last night. God . . . "
For all I know, these types of prayers equated to asking to win the lottery. They just didn't work. My heart wasn't in them. I wanted the prayer to act as a pill, but I didn't believe the pill would work. I would not or could not turn the small amount of faith I had into action for real change. There was something holding me back, and it was much bigger than me. I was terrorized, afraid, and confused. I knew that once the hangover faded away, just like every other day, the awful obsession would come back and I would drink again. If only this morning could last forever.
I've hear a lot of times that prayer is this pill that we can take, or this formula for success. When I finally started praying about my obsession for alcohol, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I was getting what I needed - misery, depression, stints in jail, and loneliness. I needed to be sucked dry of any energy I had left to keep digging my own grave. That was the only way I could truly surrender.
I believe we get what we want when we pray. The problem is, we ask for one thing but our minds tell us we want another. In the end, we get what we really want. All those mornings I prayed about alcohol, I was really praying for relief - just a moment of peace that I could hold onto until the next bout. I could live off moments of peace for days at a time.
I've gotten on my knees before bed, asking God to keep me from looking at porn, only to find myself looking at porn as soon as I got up. I got what I truly wanted.
It takes what it takes to get us where we're going. If we keep going the way we're going, we're gonna keep getting what we're getting.
I find that prayer is - like my friend tells me all the time - a conduit between me and God. When I pray, a line is opened up. A doorway opens into which I have to take action. If I don't step into action, the door stays open but I stay put, wondering why God isn't making me walk through the door.
The prayer that Solomon prays in his dream is one I'd like to practice today: "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." But, this requires action.
When we pray, opportunities present themselves to take part in the solution. I've heard that God can move mountains, but he needs me to bring a shovel. I believe this. Prayer is not about having answers fall out of the sky, but receiving opportunities to participate in what I'm praying about. If I pray for a hungry person to find food but don't do anything about it, I'm not praying but pontificating.
Today's Action: Pray the Solomon prayer. "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." Be ready to work in the solution, paying attention to the opportunities to participate.
As long as I could manage my drinking or manage the delirium I was experiencing as a result of the drinking, I would be okay and prayer for my own problems would not be necessary just yet.
There always comes a time when my own demons overcome me to the point that other people just don't matter when it comes to prayer. All I can see is the pile of trouble in front of me. Then, the 9-1-1 prayers come into play. "God, take this away from me. God, help me not drink today. God, forgive me for drinking last night. God . . . "
For all I know, these types of prayers equated to asking to win the lottery. They just didn't work. My heart wasn't in them. I wanted the prayer to act as a pill, but I didn't believe the pill would work. I would not or could not turn the small amount of faith I had into action for real change. There was something holding me back, and it was much bigger than me. I was terrorized, afraid, and confused. I knew that once the hangover faded away, just like every other day, the awful obsession would come back and I would drink again. If only this morning could last forever.
I've hear a lot of times that prayer is this pill that we can take, or this formula for success. When I finally started praying about my obsession for alcohol, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I was getting what I needed - misery, depression, stints in jail, and loneliness. I needed to be sucked dry of any energy I had left to keep digging my own grave. That was the only way I could truly surrender.
I believe we get what we want when we pray. The problem is, we ask for one thing but our minds tell us we want another. In the end, we get what we really want. All those mornings I prayed about alcohol, I was really praying for relief - just a moment of peace that I could hold onto until the next bout. I could live off moments of peace for days at a time.
I've gotten on my knees before bed, asking God to keep me from looking at porn, only to find myself looking at porn as soon as I got up. I got what I truly wanted.
It takes what it takes to get us where we're going. If we keep going the way we're going, we're gonna keep getting what we're getting.
I find that prayer is - like my friend tells me all the time - a conduit between me and God. When I pray, a line is opened up. A doorway opens into which I have to take action. If I don't step into action, the door stays open but I stay put, wondering why God isn't making me walk through the door.
The prayer that Solomon prays in his dream is one I'd like to practice today: "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." But, this requires action.
When we pray, opportunities present themselves to take part in the solution. I've heard that God can move mountains, but he needs me to bring a shovel. I believe this. Prayer is not about having answers fall out of the sky, but receiving opportunities to participate in what I'm praying about. If I pray for a hungry person to find food but don't do anything about it, I'm not praying but pontificating.
Today's Action: Pray the Solomon prayer. "I want a God-listening heart to lead well and discern between good and evil." Be ready to work in the solution, paying attention to the opportunities to participate.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
R.E.M
Just woke to strange dreams. Snips and Chips (and not all of it):
I found a large fish, probably 5 foot (I wouldn't exaggerate a fish from a dream, would I?), on a dock. I think I had caught it bare handed (seriously! I can do that in my dreams!) because I remember watching it circling in a pool feeding on bait fish. Somehow I caught it, forgot I caught it and found it. The fish was still alive. I walked with it to Larry. Larry was sitting with his catch - a bunch of fish were behind him and laying around him. Larry didn't blink when I showed him the fish. I asked him what kind it was. He mumbled something which made me think it wasn't that extraordinary of a fish. I took the fish back to the water and let it go. The fish bolted across to the other side and then bolted back. It slowed and surfaced. His black eyes met mine. He was showing thanks. Then he dove back under.
I found myself in a two story rickety store owned by an old Chinese woman. I met a guy. He opened his mouth. He had two pills that he was sucking on. He said, "Want some?" Here, take a couple. I asked, "What are they?" He told me that he didn't know, but they'd eff me up. I set them down under something.
Next, I was at an art exhibit. It was an "installation". I was blown away by one piece. I thought about how I wish I could create something like this artist had. I was convinced I couldn't.
Next thing, I was with this guy at a Texan's game. It was in a kid's theatre. The game began with a children's theater production. The only play I remember in the game was Matt Shaub rolling and rolling and rolling to get a touchdown. He rolled some 10 yards. He was rolling over people.
I ended up with a group of young adults. We were at a table. I was trying to tell the story of the fish. I couldn't get a sentence out before somebody would interrupt. The story was obviously boring but I was determined to finish it. Part of me was mad that they didn't have the attention span to hear it, the other was that I thought it was a good story and worth hearing.
I must have left that place with one of the girls. I found myself driving. Somehow, we were in separate cars but also together in mine. We had stopped on a hill. My brakes gave out and I began to roll backwards. We were linked, so she went with me. Somehow I began pressing my brakes and hers. I frantically steered the cars going backwards down the hill. We must have been in San Francisco.
I popped back out of that into the old store owned by the Chinese woman. I went looking for the two pills I had hidden. I found them. I looked over the writing on the tablets but didn't know what they were for. Trying to resist, I nibbled on one. Since I didn't know how it would affect me, I wished for tripping.
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I think this is due to catching up on some R.E.M. One thing about getting stoned is that I wasn't able to take back the thoughts I thought were creative. Also, I couldn't create anything worthwhile while high. Last night's dreams were more vivid and more trippy than any pot could take me. Good ole sleep. Amazing!
I feel like I woke to a new day. The house seemed quieter. The weed eater that I just heard wasn't a hornet's nest in my ear. The squeaks of the brakes on the trash truck weren't scrapes on a chalkboard.
Compared to yesterday, I am on a Caribbean island sipping... uhhh... tea, I guess.
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PS: I was told that if I do this one portrait for my sister's boss that she'd give me tickets to a Texan's game. Hmmmm.... I wonder if that deal is still good. I wonder if I'd do it. I wonder. Buh buh buh buhhhhhh.
I found a large fish, probably 5 foot (I wouldn't exaggerate a fish from a dream, would I?), on a dock. I think I had caught it bare handed (seriously! I can do that in my dreams!) because I remember watching it circling in a pool feeding on bait fish. Somehow I caught it, forgot I caught it and found it. The fish was still alive. I walked with it to Larry. Larry was sitting with his catch - a bunch of fish were behind him and laying around him. Larry didn't blink when I showed him the fish. I asked him what kind it was. He mumbled something which made me think it wasn't that extraordinary of a fish. I took the fish back to the water and let it go. The fish bolted across to the other side and then bolted back. It slowed and surfaced. His black eyes met mine. He was showing thanks. Then he dove back under.
I found myself in a two story rickety store owned by an old Chinese woman. I met a guy. He opened his mouth. He had two pills that he was sucking on. He said, "Want some?" Here, take a couple. I asked, "What are they?" He told me that he didn't know, but they'd eff me up. I set them down under something.
Next, I was at an art exhibit. It was an "installation". I was blown away by one piece. I thought about how I wish I could create something like this artist had. I was convinced I couldn't.
Next thing, I was with this guy at a Texan's game. It was in a kid's theatre. The game began with a children's theater production. The only play I remember in the game was Matt Shaub rolling and rolling and rolling to get a touchdown. He rolled some 10 yards. He was rolling over people.
I ended up with a group of young adults. We were at a table. I was trying to tell the story of the fish. I couldn't get a sentence out before somebody would interrupt. The story was obviously boring but I was determined to finish it. Part of me was mad that they didn't have the attention span to hear it, the other was that I thought it was a good story and worth hearing.
I must have left that place with one of the girls. I found myself driving. Somehow, we were in separate cars but also together in mine. We had stopped on a hill. My brakes gave out and I began to roll backwards. We were linked, so she went with me. Somehow I began pressing my brakes and hers. I frantically steered the cars going backwards down the hill. We must have been in San Francisco.
I popped back out of that into the old store owned by the Chinese woman. I went looking for the two pills I had hidden. I found them. I looked over the writing on the tablets but didn't know what they were for. Trying to resist, I nibbled on one. Since I didn't know how it would affect me, I wished for tripping.
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I think this is due to catching up on some R.E.M. One thing about getting stoned is that I wasn't able to take back the thoughts I thought were creative. Also, I couldn't create anything worthwhile while high. Last night's dreams were more vivid and more trippy than any pot could take me. Good ole sleep. Amazing!
I feel like I woke to a new day. The house seemed quieter. The weed eater that I just heard wasn't a hornet's nest in my ear. The squeaks of the brakes on the trash truck weren't scrapes on a chalkboard.
Compared to yesterday, I am on a Caribbean island sipping... uhhh... tea, I guess.
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PS: I was told that if I do this one portrait for my sister's boss that she'd give me tickets to a Texan's game. Hmmmm.... I wonder if that deal is still good. I wonder if I'd do it. I wonder. Buh buh buh buhhhhhh.
Following Phonies (Ordinary Time - Day 85)
1 Kings 1:38-2:4
King
David stays true to his promise, and gets his high priest, prophet, and
bodyguards to mount Solomon on his royal mule. Everyone surrounds
Solomon, creating a parade of musicians, dancers, and vocalists, and
Zadok the high priest anoints him with oil. The people anoint Solomon as
king, and a huge celebration is creating an uproar in the city.
Adonijah and Joab hear all the noise outside of their party and wonder what's going on. Adonijah is still putting on his inaugural ball, his self-appointed party to make himself king over Israel, but there's something going on outside. There is singing. There's music. There's dancing. What could possibly be happening outside of his inauguration?
Jonathan, the son of Abiathar the priest, shows up to report on what's going on outside. He says, "King David's staff have mounted Solomon on the royal mule. They've anointed him as king over Israel. He is sitting on the throne of the kingdom!"
The party guests are afraid, because they were all under the impression that Adonijah was the new king. The truth was, Adonijah only thought he was the king, and led everyone to believe he was the king. Yet, the people revealed a different truth. The truth is, king's are not self-appointed.
Self-appointed kings are called dictators and maniacs.
When Adonijah hears about Solomon, he flees to the sanctuary and grabs hold of the Altar where priests make sacrifices. He says he won't leave until Solomon promises he won't kill him. Solomon summons Adonijah, telling his servants, "If he can prove he's a man of honor, I'll let him live. But if he can't, he's good as dead." When Adonijah shows up, he bows and honors Solomon, and Solomon tells him to go home.
How do we know we're not following phonies?
Phonies are self-appointed. They secretly conspire to make names for themselves behind closed doors, and leave the details to themselves. The people don't choose them to lead, but rather phonies choose themselves. From all outer appearances, they lead the people to believe they are who they say they are.
In this case, there was an V.I.P. list. Adonijah's party didn't consist of the people of the city, but all the CEO's, political pundits, and financial leaders. It consisted of the elites of the city. The people were outside, surrounding the real king Solomon with music and dancing. The people made their choice, and didn't even know that Adonijah was conspiring to be the new king.
How do we know that the leaders we follow aren't phonies? How do we know they're not just plotting to make a name for themselves?
We don't until we see that the celebration is elsewhere - until we see the parade of people surrounding the leader they've anointed. Real leaders don't anoint themselves, but are anointed by the people.
A phony leader isn't transparent about their lives, their hopes, and their passions. They don't want to be questioned or threatened in their plot for power. They have a support group of high-end donors, but spend no time with the common person.
Today's Action: Pay attention to the transparency of the people we consider our leaders. Is it possible that we're following phonies? Take a look in the mirror. Are we being transparent ourselves?
Adonijah and Joab hear all the noise outside of their party and wonder what's going on. Adonijah is still putting on his inaugural ball, his self-appointed party to make himself king over Israel, but there's something going on outside. There is singing. There's music. There's dancing. What could possibly be happening outside of his inauguration?
Jonathan, the son of Abiathar the priest, shows up to report on what's going on outside. He says, "King David's staff have mounted Solomon on the royal mule. They've anointed him as king over Israel. He is sitting on the throne of the kingdom!"
The party guests are afraid, because they were all under the impression that Adonijah was the new king. The truth was, Adonijah only thought he was the king, and led everyone to believe he was the king. Yet, the people revealed a different truth. The truth is, king's are not self-appointed.
When Adonijah hears about Solomon, he flees to the sanctuary and grabs hold of the Altar where priests make sacrifices. He says he won't leave until Solomon promises he won't kill him. Solomon summons Adonijah, telling his servants, "If he can prove he's a man of honor, I'll let him live. But if he can't, he's good as dead." When Adonijah shows up, he bows and honors Solomon, and Solomon tells him to go home.
How do we know we're not following phonies?
Phonies are self-appointed. They secretly conspire to make names for themselves behind closed doors, and leave the details to themselves. The people don't choose them to lead, but rather phonies choose themselves. From all outer appearances, they lead the people to believe they are who they say they are.
In this case, there was an V.I.P. list. Adonijah's party didn't consist of the people of the city, but all the CEO's, political pundits, and financial leaders. It consisted of the elites of the city. The people were outside, surrounding the real king Solomon with music and dancing. The people made their choice, and didn't even know that Adonijah was conspiring to be the new king.
How do we know that the leaders we follow aren't phonies? How do we know they're not just plotting to make a name for themselves?
We don't until we see that the celebration is elsewhere - until we see the parade of people surrounding the leader they've anointed. Real leaders don't anoint themselves, but are anointed by the people.
A phony leader isn't transparent about their lives, their hopes, and their passions. They don't want to be questioned or threatened in their plot for power. They have a support group of high-end donors, but spend no time with the common person.
Today's Action: Pay attention to the transparency of the people we consider our leaders. Is it possible that we're following phonies? Take a look in the mirror. Are we being transparent ourselves?
Monday, August 26, 2013
More Peace
Saturday morning, my neighbor and I, at her request, headed out in the Fit for garden supplies. The Fit "fitted" it all - cow manure, dirt, boards, flowers - everything, even an 18 pack of ice cold beer. The plan was to set up a new plot for raised bed gardening.
On Redbud, I have learned to cycle beers to "the holster" and "perform proper rotation". That is, keep the beers going from the fridge to the freezer, keeping three to four in the freezer, drinking off the right, replacing to the left. In the August heat, the queue was cranking. It was go time.
While setting up the raised beds, we found we needed some extra cedar boards with dovetails. I gave a shot with my table saw on cutting the dovetails. It worked. I used a jig that I purchased some years ago. The jig was in the attic which is nailed shut since the staircase broke. While cutting the boards, another neighbor dropped by for a couple cuts of his own. This turned into a little hub of conversation as a couple other neighbors dropped by.
After the beds were set up, at the point of exhaustion, having eaten only two crackers all day on what I call my "starvation diet", my neighbor asked if we could do one more thing. She was hoping we could cut down a medium sized ash tree between our yards. We got it done!
I get a sense of happiness helping, exercising, laughing, being productive and drinking beer. Saturday, the stars aligned.
Finished with the work, I had a small bbq plate. My energy returned. What next? My neighbor was whooped. I got wind of a party down the street. Knowing who was going to be there, I said giddily and devilishly "I'm going to go get in trouble."
... I have to stop the story there since I ran out of writing time ...
On Redbud, I have learned to cycle beers to "the holster" and "perform proper rotation". That is, keep the beers going from the fridge to the freezer, keeping three to four in the freezer, drinking off the right, replacing to the left. In the August heat, the queue was cranking. It was go time.
While setting up the raised beds, we found we needed some extra cedar boards with dovetails. I gave a shot with my table saw on cutting the dovetails. It worked. I used a jig that I purchased some years ago. The jig was in the attic which is nailed shut since the staircase broke. While cutting the boards, another neighbor dropped by for a couple cuts of his own. This turned into a little hub of conversation as a couple other neighbors dropped by.
After the beds were set up, at the point of exhaustion, having eaten only two crackers all day on what I call my "starvation diet", my neighbor asked if we could do one more thing. She was hoping we could cut down a medium sized ash tree between our yards. We got it done!
I get a sense of happiness helping, exercising, laughing, being productive and drinking beer. Saturday, the stars aligned.
Finished with the work, I had a small bbq plate. My energy returned. What next? My neighbor was whooped. I got wind of a party down the street. Knowing who was going to be there, I said giddily and devilishly "I'm going to go get in trouble."
... I have to stop the story there since I ran out of writing time ...
Coronation (Ordinary Time - Day 84)
1 Kings 1:5-31
David
is getting very old, and his son Adonijah knows this. So, he starts his
own campaign trail to be the next king of Israel. He makes his rounds
with all the people who he thinks will support him, and throws an
inaugural ball for himself. He doesn't invite the people he knows won't
join his side. He's got all the things a king needs to rule - chariots,
servants, horses, and infantry. He's ready to take the throne. There's
only one problem though - King David already appointed his other son
Solomon as the next king.
When Nathan the prophet and Solomon's mother find out about the party that Adonijah is throwing, they go into survival mode. They realize that if they don't do something quick, things are going to get out of hand very quickly. Not only that, but Adonijah has already persuaded Joab - David's primary army officer, and Abiathar - David's leading priest, to join his side.
Nathan finds Bathsheba and tells her that if she wants to save her and Solomon's life, she needs to tell the king. So, she does. David doesn't know anything about what Adonijah is doing, and thinks everything is going according to plan for Solomon to inherit the kingship.
Bathsheba pleads her case before David, and shortly after Nathan barges in to weigh in on it as well. After David hears all of this, he keeps his promise. He says, "As long as God lives, I will keep my promise of making Solomon king after me."
When we get passionate about something, or get an inspired idea, who do we invite into it?
I'm a dreamer. I get ideas by the minute, and 99% of them don't turn into reality. The other 1% do become a reality, and I can go about it two ways. I can surround myself with people who are only going to support my ideas, or I can surround myself with a mixed bag of people with differing opinions. I think we call this subjective and objective viewpoints.
When I find myself thinking about who will support my motives without question, and disregard the people who will challenge my thinking, there is something manipulative and secret about it. My motives are left unchecked by other people, and I am really conniving to become the king of something. It's so much easier to hide from people who will challenge me.
To go into a closed room, shut off to people who disagree, and start building a kingdom is unfortunately what some see when they look at the church. They see an elite group of people who have a vision, but the vision is unchallenged and unquestioned. There's no room for an objective viewpoint. The same thing happens with the government and business. People are setting themselves up to be kings and queens, locking themselves away from the opinions of people who disagree with their motives.
When we make big decisions in our lives, do we only seek direction from the people we agree with? Do we invite only our supporters to the party? Or, do we invite a mixed bag of opinions?
If we are afraid to be questioned and challenged in our decisions and ideas, then we're probably on our way to making ourselves king or queen over whatever it is we're trying to do. If we're opening ourselves up to disagreement and challenge, then we're probably more concerned with remaining loyal servants.
I want to be a person who opens myself up to questions and disagreement, letting the kingship be had by another. The kingship is not for me, even though the pangs for power are always groaning, always ready to take over whatever throne is waiting to be filled.
Today's Action: What's one big decision we're mulling over today? Have we invited people who will probably disagree with us into the decision-making process? If not, set up a coffee date.
When Nathan the prophet and Solomon's mother find out about the party that Adonijah is throwing, they go into survival mode. They realize that if they don't do something quick, things are going to get out of hand very quickly. Not only that, but Adonijah has already persuaded Joab - David's primary army officer, and Abiathar - David's leading priest, to join his side.
Nathan finds Bathsheba and tells her that if she wants to save her and Solomon's life, she needs to tell the king. So, she does. David doesn't know anything about what Adonijah is doing, and thinks everything is going according to plan for Solomon to inherit the kingship.
Bathsheba pleads her case before David, and shortly after Nathan barges in to weigh in on it as well. After David hears all of this, he keeps his promise. He says, "As long as God lives, I will keep my promise of making Solomon king after me."
When we get passionate about something, or get an inspired idea, who do we invite into it?
I'm a dreamer. I get ideas by the minute, and 99% of them don't turn into reality. The other 1% do become a reality, and I can go about it two ways. I can surround myself with people who are only going to support my ideas, or I can surround myself with a mixed bag of people with differing opinions. I think we call this subjective and objective viewpoints.
When I find myself thinking about who will support my motives without question, and disregard the people who will challenge my thinking, there is something manipulative and secret about it. My motives are left unchecked by other people, and I am really conniving to become the king of something. It's so much easier to hide from people who will challenge me.
To go into a closed room, shut off to people who disagree, and start building a kingdom is unfortunately what some see when they look at the church. They see an elite group of people who have a vision, but the vision is unchallenged and unquestioned. There's no room for an objective viewpoint. The same thing happens with the government and business. People are setting themselves up to be kings and queens, locking themselves away from the opinions of people who disagree with their motives.
When we make big decisions in our lives, do we only seek direction from the people we agree with? Do we invite only our supporters to the party? Or, do we invite a mixed bag of opinions?
If we are afraid to be questioned and challenged in our decisions and ideas, then we're probably on our way to making ourselves king or queen over whatever it is we're trying to do. If we're opening ourselves up to disagreement and challenge, then we're probably more concerned with remaining loyal servants.
I want to be a person who opens myself up to questions and disagreement, letting the kingship be had by another. The kingship is not for me, even though the pangs for power are always groaning, always ready to take over whatever throne is waiting to be filled.
Today's Action: What's one big decision we're mulling over today? Have we invited people who will probably disagree with us into the decision-making process? If not, set up a coffee date.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday Morning Ted Talk - Neil MacGregor: 2600 Years of History in One Object
2 Samuel 24:1-2, 10-25
Clear Mind
I don't want to spend another year trying to find "balance" between substance abuse and substance non-abuse. I want to stop. My decisions, location, commitments, much of the time, if not all the time, revolve around this.
Last night, my thinking had become like a mad man. I had created an altered set of characters from the people I was hanging out with. It was fun up to a point, but got weird. I am fairly certain, because it has happened before, that if I do not stop, I will believe this clown circus in my head, follow the "story" and lash out in some abusive manner. It's only a matter of time.
I need to be off substances. Somehow, the substance is the eye opener and eye closer. It is a recursive rabbit hole. There is a terminal point which spins. I don't want to want to keep coming back there. It tells me not to. The best message I can almost bring back from that hole is "stop coming here". I go back anyway like a man who has forgotten only to forget again. Then back. Then away. Then back.
I want to be sober. I want to be clear minded.
Last night, my thinking had become like a mad man. I had created an altered set of characters from the people I was hanging out with. It was fun up to a point, but got weird. I am fairly certain, because it has happened before, that if I do not stop, I will believe this clown circus in my head, follow the "story" and lash out in some abusive manner. It's only a matter of time.
I need to be off substances. Somehow, the substance is the eye opener and eye closer. It is a recursive rabbit hole. There is a terminal point which spins. I don't want to want to keep coming back there. It tells me not to. The best message I can almost bring back from that hole is "stop coming here". I go back anyway like a man who has forgotten only to forget again. Then back. Then away. Then back.
I want to be sober. I want to be clear minded.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Procession (Ordinary Time - Day 81)
2 Samuel 19:24-43
As
King David arrives to the edge of the Jordan River, this passage covers
a dialogue with two different people - Mephibosheth and Barzillai.
If you recall, Mephibosheth was the crippled grandson of Saul whom David invited into his home and gave him meals.
Barzillai is a very wealthy elderly man who's taken care of all of David's financial needs while he's been gone.
Before the king crosses the river, he meets up with these two guys. They have a relationship together that's been going on for years. David has an immense respect for both of them, and sees each of them as friends. David offers to take care of Barzillai in return for his benevolence, but Barzillai declines because he says he's "too old to be any good for anyone." Instead, he offers his servant Kimham to David, and David accepts. David chooses to take Kimham into his home to treat him like royalty.
The king of Israel, amidst war, politics, and feuding clans, takes the time to maintain ongoing relationships with the handicapped and the elderly. This would be like the president of the United States inviting someone crippled and someone elderly to live in the White House.
Although David has all the responsibilities of a king, he's added as a primary factor in his job description to build relationships with a crippled man whose grandfather was his enemy, and an elderly man who doesn't have much life left in him.
What jumps out at me in this passage is where I stand in relation to the handicapped and the elderly. I have a friend who has cerebral palsy and is living in a facility for people with severe disabilities. He's very lonely, and has been calling me nonstop. All he wants is to hang out and to experience normal again. The truth is, I have been ignoring him. The more he calls, the more I don't want to talk with him. He has become an obligation to me.
I have one grandmother and one grandfather left. They are the elderly people in my life. I speak to each of them probably four times a year, even though they live within miles of me. I'm afraid their old-ness is going to rub off on me or something. I act as if they're not there, they're invisible. They're forgotten. If I just deny that they're here, I won't have much trouble when they're not here. I'm afraid that if I start trying to work on my relationship with them, it's going to hurt when they die. So, I stay away and rely on our family gatherings to bring us together, even though I don't really talk to them.
Needless to say, I haven't created the space as King David did. I haven't taken the time to choose to maintain relationships with the handicapped and elderly people in my life. My heart tells me that it's time to start doing this, to start working on something that I'm not good at. My heart tells me that something beautiful could come out of it.
Today's Action: Take my planner and set aside time next week to start a weekly practice of building relationships with my friend who has cerebral palsy, my grandmother, and my grandfather.
If you recall, Mephibosheth was the crippled grandson of Saul whom David invited into his home and gave him meals.
Barzillai is a very wealthy elderly man who's taken care of all of David's financial needs while he's been gone.
Before the king crosses the river, he meets up with these two guys. They have a relationship together that's been going on for years. David has an immense respect for both of them, and sees each of them as friends. David offers to take care of Barzillai in return for his benevolence, but Barzillai declines because he says he's "too old to be any good for anyone." Instead, he offers his servant Kimham to David, and David accepts. David chooses to take Kimham into his home to treat him like royalty.
The king of Israel, amidst war, politics, and feuding clans, takes the time to maintain ongoing relationships with the handicapped and the elderly. This would be like the president of the United States inviting someone crippled and someone elderly to live in the White House.
Although David has all the responsibilities of a king, he's added as a primary factor in his job description to build relationships with a crippled man whose grandfather was his enemy, and an elderly man who doesn't have much life left in him.
What jumps out at me in this passage is where I stand in relation to the handicapped and the elderly. I have a friend who has cerebral palsy and is living in a facility for people with severe disabilities. He's very lonely, and has been calling me nonstop. All he wants is to hang out and to experience normal again. The truth is, I have been ignoring him. The more he calls, the more I don't want to talk with him. He has become an obligation to me.
I have one grandmother and one grandfather left. They are the elderly people in my life. I speak to each of them probably four times a year, even though they live within miles of me. I'm afraid their old-ness is going to rub off on me or something. I act as if they're not there, they're invisible. They're forgotten. If I just deny that they're here, I won't have much trouble when they're not here. I'm afraid that if I start trying to work on my relationship with them, it's going to hurt when they die. So, I stay away and rely on our family gatherings to bring us together, even though I don't really talk to them.
Needless to say, I haven't created the space as King David did. I haven't taken the time to choose to maintain relationships with the handicapped and elderly people in my life. My heart tells me that it's time to start doing this, to start working on something that I'm not good at. My heart tells me that something beautiful could come out of it.
Today's Action: Take my planner and set aside time next week to start a weekly practice of building relationships with my friend who has cerebral palsy, my grandmother, and my grandfather.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The Jordan (Ordinary Time - Day 80)
2 Samuel 19:1-23
The
victory over Absalom eventually turns into a day of mourning as David
laments the loss of his son. When Joab hears about his, he decides to
have a heart to heart with the king. He tells David, "Dude, why are
you ignoring what your servants have done, as if they've done nothing?
They've saved you, your sons and daughters, and your concubines, but
you've sucked the heart right out of them. If you don't go out and meet
them, they will desert you and that will be bigger problem than
anything."
David listens to Joab and goes out to the city gates to welcome the army. The people know that the king is receiving them back, and there's a sense of relief among them.
Meanwhile, the people back in Jerusalem are complaining to their leaders, asking them, "Where is our king? Why haven't ya'll brought him back now that Absalom is dead? Come on now!"
David receives word that the people of Jerusalem are ready for him to come back, and he packs his things and gathers all his servants. He arrives to the edge of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are waiting to escort him across. They do whatever they can to make him feel comfortable. All of David's old compadres greet him in the river, ecstatic that he's back. They're ready to do business again, and ready for David's integrity to resume the throne.
After fleeing Jerusalem on account of Absalom's power grab, David is finally back home with his people. He considers his people his own flesh and blood - his brothers and sisters.
The Jordan River is the intersection where the people of Israel and King David reunite. I can imagine what it would be like to be standing on one side of the river, looking across and seeing the one who's rescued Israel from its enemies - the one who is trying to restore Israel to the way it was intended. The only thing that separates the people from the king is water, and they jump in.
We all have Jordan Rivers in our lives - those intersections in our lives where we encounter the presence of a power bigger than we can grasp. These intersections may happen all the time, or they may be specific to certain places or hobbies or people. One of my intersections is a waterfall out at Big Bend National Park. There is an overwhelming sense of God-ness there, and it blows me away. It brings me to my knees literally and causes me to worship in a raw and authentic way.
A more common intersection for me is writing. Every time I write, I'm blown away by the intuition that I get through simple prayer and courage. Before I start, it's always a fight against the fear of failure and rejection, but by the end of it I'm inspired and ready to face the day.
We all have Jordan Rivers. What are they? Is it a favorite musician? Is it a song? Is it a favorite hobby?
We all have the opportunity to step up to the river, the intersection between us and God, and dive in with all our clothes on. There's no time to get a bathing suit or change clothes. When we come to the river, we will do anything we can to experience more of the King. We can't get enough of it, because we don't know when the next time will come.
Today's Action: What are our Jordan Rivers? Will we be bold enough to jump in today? What about every day? Are we ready and willing to encounter the indescribable, overwhelming presence of the King, waiting to meet us in the middle of the stream of life? If so, go to our Jordan today to dive in and get blown away.
David listens to Joab and goes out to the city gates to welcome the army. The people know that the king is receiving them back, and there's a sense of relief among them.
Meanwhile, the people back in Jerusalem are complaining to their leaders, asking them, "Where is our king? Why haven't ya'll brought him back now that Absalom is dead? Come on now!"
David receives word that the people of Jerusalem are ready for him to come back, and he packs his things and gathers all his servants. He arrives to the edge of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are waiting to escort him across. They do whatever they can to make him feel comfortable. All of David's old compadres greet him in the river, ecstatic that he's back. They're ready to do business again, and ready for David's integrity to resume the throne.
After fleeing Jerusalem on account of Absalom's power grab, David is finally back home with his people. He considers his people his own flesh and blood - his brothers and sisters.
The Jordan River is the intersection where the people of Israel and King David reunite. I can imagine what it would be like to be standing on one side of the river, looking across and seeing the one who's rescued Israel from its enemies - the one who is trying to restore Israel to the way it was intended. The only thing that separates the people from the king is water, and they jump in.
We all have Jordan Rivers in our lives - those intersections in our lives where we encounter the presence of a power bigger than we can grasp. These intersections may happen all the time, or they may be specific to certain places or hobbies or people. One of my intersections is a waterfall out at Big Bend National Park. There is an overwhelming sense of God-ness there, and it blows me away. It brings me to my knees literally and causes me to worship in a raw and authentic way.
A more common intersection for me is writing. Every time I write, I'm blown away by the intuition that I get through simple prayer and courage. Before I start, it's always a fight against the fear of failure and rejection, but by the end of it I'm inspired and ready to face the day.
We all have Jordan Rivers. What are they? Is it a favorite musician? Is it a song? Is it a favorite hobby?
We all have the opportunity to step up to the river, the intersection between us and God, and dive in with all our clothes on. There's no time to get a bathing suit or change clothes. When we come to the river, we will do anything we can to experience more of the King. We can't get enough of it, because we don't know when the next time will come.
Today's Action: What are our Jordan Rivers? Will we be bold enough to jump in today? What about every day? Are we ready and willing to encounter the indescribable, overwhelming presence of the King, waiting to meet us in the middle of the stream of life? If so, go to our Jordan today to dive in and get blown away.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Green Lights (Ordinary Time - Day 79)
2 Samuel 18:18-33
Joab's
directly disobeyed King David's orders to protect Absalom. He knows it.
He also knows that someone has to go stand before the king and tell
him. He knows that King David is only concerned about one thing, even
though the enemy forces have been beat.
Ahimaaz, the son of Zadok - the chief priest - begs Joab to let him run to David to tell him the news. But, Joab knows that David may retaliate when he hears that Absalom is dead. So, he tells him no. Instead, Joab chooses a nameless Cushite soldier to deliver the news to David. However, Ahimaaz continues begging Joab to let him be the messenger, and he finally gives in.
If Joab delivers the news to the king, he will have to face the consequences of what he's done. He's fearful of what David will do to him. So, he shirks his responsibility onto someone else - someone who just might happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I remember lying once to my mom about where I was the night before. The truth was I was drunk, driving, and beat up the car pretty bad. I wasn't willing to face the music, so I dragged an unsuspecting friend into it. I told my mom I was with my friend the night before, and constructed this whole bogus story about how we were just driving along and decided to take an unpaved road to see what was down it. In the end, the side mirror was dangling, and about fifty pounds of dirt was clogged in the undercarriage.
I was too afraid to tell my mom the truth, so I tried to get my friend to support my lie. I used my friend to keep me out of trouble for my wrongdoing. Basically, I manipulated him in order to save my ass.
Joab wasn't willing to face the consequences of his actions - whatever they may be - so he put an
unsuspecting person in his place. He put someone else in danger to save his own skin.
When we aren't willing to accept responsibility for our own mistakes, it's easy to manipulate someone else into taking on our consequences. All we have to do is lie to the one we've hurt, and lie to the person we're manipulating. But eventually, the truth comes out. Eventually, we have to deal with it. The question is, how long can we live with ourselves? How long can we cover the truth?
For all we know, David could have forgiven Joab for his wrongdoing. He could have understood that in the heat of battle, things happen. But, Joab wasn't willing to even take the chance of facing his responsibilities.
Part of experiencing freedom is being brutally honest with other people, even when we intentionally go against orders. The news media doesn't help this at all. All day long, republicans blame democrats and vice versa. We are a society that doesn't take responsibility for our own actions, and love to blame faraway figures for the problems in the world. This also happens in the church. We see things that are broken and in need of repair, but instead of stepping up to the plate and asking ourselves, "How am I contributing to this mess," we blame the leaders. It's way easier to blame other people for problems, but emotional freedom is very hard to come by.
When
we see problems in the world - whether it be our work worlds, church
worlds, school worlds, etc. - I think we have to ask ourselves how we
contribute to the problem. Not taking action to restore the broken
pieces around us and in us contributes to the problem. I'm starting to
believe that whenever our hearts flare up about social injustice,
corruption, or broken systems, we are bring given signals for action.
The "holy discontent" we feel about certain things is not a sign
to start bitching and see if anybody hears us. It's a green light to
step into the solution and start creating ways to restore.
Today's Action: Pay attention to how many times we complain about something or someone today. Make a list if we have to. These are all internal signals that something needs to change, and it starts with us then goes outward. Are we using these "green lights" as pathways to restorative action, or are we ignoring them and continuing to bitch so people can hear us?
Ahimaaz, the son of Zadok - the chief priest - begs Joab to let him run to David to tell him the news. But, Joab knows that David may retaliate when he hears that Absalom is dead. So, he tells him no. Instead, Joab chooses a nameless Cushite soldier to deliver the news to David. However, Ahimaaz continues begging Joab to let him be the messenger, and he finally gives in.
If Joab delivers the news to the king, he will have to face the consequences of what he's done. He's fearful of what David will do to him. So, he shirks his responsibility onto someone else - someone who just might happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I remember lying once to my mom about where I was the night before. The truth was I was drunk, driving, and beat up the car pretty bad. I wasn't willing to face the music, so I dragged an unsuspecting friend into it. I told my mom I was with my friend the night before, and constructed this whole bogus story about how we were just driving along and decided to take an unpaved road to see what was down it. In the end, the side mirror was dangling, and about fifty pounds of dirt was clogged in the undercarriage.
I was too afraid to tell my mom the truth, so I tried to get my friend to support my lie. I used my friend to keep me out of trouble for my wrongdoing. Basically, I manipulated him in order to save my ass.
Joab wasn't willing to face the consequences of his actions - whatever they may be - so he put an
When we aren't willing to accept responsibility for our own mistakes, it's easy to manipulate someone else into taking on our consequences. All we have to do is lie to the one we've hurt, and lie to the person we're manipulating. But eventually, the truth comes out. Eventually, we have to deal with it. The question is, how long can we live with ourselves? How long can we cover the truth?
For all we know, David could have forgiven Joab for his wrongdoing. He could have understood that in the heat of battle, things happen. But, Joab wasn't willing to even take the chance of facing his responsibilities.
Part of experiencing freedom is being brutally honest with other people, even when we intentionally go against orders. The news media doesn't help this at all. All day long, republicans blame democrats and vice versa. We are a society that doesn't take responsibility for our own actions, and love to blame faraway figures for the problems in the world. This also happens in the church. We see things that are broken and in need of repair, but instead of stepping up to the plate and asking ourselves, "How am I contributing to this mess," we blame the leaders. It's way easier to blame other people for problems, but emotional freedom is very hard to come by.
Today's Action: Pay attention to how many times we complain about something or someone today. Make a list if we have to. These are all internal signals that something needs to change, and it starts with us then goes outward. Are we using these "green lights" as pathways to restorative action, or are we ignoring them and continuing to bitch so people can hear us?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Thousand Silver Pieces (Ordinary Time - Day 78)
2 Samuel 18:9-18
In
this passage, King David has specifically told his commanding officers
to protect the young man Absalom, who happens to the war general of the
opposing forces. While Absalom is riding his mule through the woods, he
has a problem. A low hanging tree branch gets in the way, and his head
gets stuck. Ouch. He's left dangling, vulnerable to attack.
A solitary soldier finds Absalom hanging there helpless and reports it to Joab. He remembers what David said, to protect Absalom. Yet, after reporting it to Joab, Joab asks the soldier, "Why didn't you just kill him right then and there? I would have given you ten silver pieces and a fancy belt!"
The soldier responds, "I heard what the king said. I wouldn't take a thousand silver pieces to kill the king's son."
Joab doesn't want to waste any time talking to the soldier, and proceeds to take out three knives, all for the heart of Absalom. Shortly after, Joab's armor bearers show up and start hacking Absalom to pieces. Then they bury Absalom in a huge pit in the forest, covering him with a mound of rocks.
The young soldier chose to follow the dictates of his higher power. He could have been rewarded greatly for going against the king's orders, but he objected firmly. He wasn't willing to take any reward if it meant disregarding the instructions of the king. As a result, he was questioned and scoffed at by one of the king's own officers.
Are we willing to compromise doing the right thing for a promised reward? What if there is no promise of a reward for doing the right thing?
When we do what we believe God wants us to do, we don't have to apologize to anybody. The tension lies in staying true to the direction. Sometimes, in our prayer and meditation, we receive inspired ideas. Sometimes, it's in our gut. We just know from the core of our beings which way to go. Usually, it's a direct correlation with our passions and unique talents, and sometimes it's a seemingly random thought or action that seems appropriate at the time.
I've found that when a spark of imagination comes, in other words an intuition or a word from God, it's very hard to stay true to the course. There is fear, there is opposition, people question our motives. The hardest part about following God is trusting through the questioning of others, and even the scoffing of others. But, when we follow the dictates of the voice that won't keep quiet, and pursue it through our fears, trust builds. Faith grows.
In the case of the young soldier, the command was to protect the young Absalom. So, he did. Did he get rewarded for it? No. He was questioned, scoffed at, and disregarded. Yet, he stayed true to the king's orders and kept his hands off of Absalom.
We all have unique contributions to the world, and I believe the way to find out what they are is to first find out what we are passionate about. What are we good at? When we pinpoint what we're good at, then ask God to shine his light on a pathway to unleash those passions, the path will be shown. The question is, are we brave enough to stay true to the course when our pathways are unorthodox, crazy, and uncertain? Herein lies the difference between the young soldier and Joab. The young soldier followed some crazy orders to let Absalom live. Joab thought the orders weren't relevant, and were ridiculous. Yet, the orders were given. The young soldier believed in the king, while the commanding officer didn't. The young soldier believed the king's idea, however crazy it sounded, was the right thing. Joab didn't trust the king's judgment.
The King welcomes all - from the infantrymen to the commanding officers - to experience life and preserve it. We don't have to be theologians to follow the dictates of a higher power. The truth is, we just have to be ourselves. We have to fight through the opposition of our own defects and the defects of others, believing that the King knows what's best. Even when it seems illogical, irrelevant, and against the norm, we believe that the King knows the best route to go.
Today's Actions: In what way are we most wired to contribute life to the world? In other words, what are we most passionate about? Are we trusting that something greater than ourselves gave us that passion, therefore it is good? Are we trusting that no matter what kind of opposition we face, that our passions are signals of where we're headed? For further thought on this, please visit: http://mysubplot.com
A solitary soldier finds Absalom hanging there helpless and reports it to Joab. He remembers what David said, to protect Absalom. Yet, after reporting it to Joab, Joab asks the soldier, "Why didn't you just kill him right then and there? I would have given you ten silver pieces and a fancy belt!"
The soldier responds, "I heard what the king said. I wouldn't take a thousand silver pieces to kill the king's son."
Joab doesn't want to waste any time talking to the soldier, and proceeds to take out three knives, all for the heart of Absalom. Shortly after, Joab's armor bearers show up and start hacking Absalom to pieces. Then they bury Absalom in a huge pit in the forest, covering him with a mound of rocks.
The young soldier chose to follow the dictates of his higher power. He could have been rewarded greatly for going against the king's orders, but he objected firmly. He wasn't willing to take any reward if it meant disregarding the instructions of the king. As a result, he was questioned and scoffed at by one of the king's own officers.
Are we willing to compromise doing the right thing for a promised reward? What if there is no promise of a reward for doing the right thing?
When we do what we believe God wants us to do, we don't have to apologize to anybody. The tension lies in staying true to the direction. Sometimes, in our prayer and meditation, we receive inspired ideas. Sometimes, it's in our gut. We just know from the core of our beings which way to go. Usually, it's a direct correlation with our passions and unique talents, and sometimes it's a seemingly random thought or action that seems appropriate at the time.
I've found that when a spark of imagination comes, in other words an intuition or a word from God, it's very hard to stay true to the course. There is fear, there is opposition, people question our motives. The hardest part about following God is trusting through the questioning of others, and even the scoffing of others. But, when we follow the dictates of the voice that won't keep quiet, and pursue it through our fears, trust builds. Faith grows.
In the case of the young soldier, the command was to protect the young Absalom. So, he did. Did he get rewarded for it? No. He was questioned, scoffed at, and disregarded. Yet, he stayed true to the king's orders and kept his hands off of Absalom.
We all have unique contributions to the world, and I believe the way to find out what they are is to first find out what we are passionate about. What are we good at? When we pinpoint what we're good at, then ask God to shine his light on a pathway to unleash those passions, the path will be shown. The question is, are we brave enough to stay true to the course when our pathways are unorthodox, crazy, and uncertain? Herein lies the difference between the young soldier and Joab. The young soldier followed some crazy orders to let Absalom live. Joab thought the orders weren't relevant, and were ridiculous. Yet, the orders were given. The young soldier believed in the king, while the commanding officer didn't. The young soldier believed the king's idea, however crazy it sounded, was the right thing. Joab didn't trust the king's judgment.
The King welcomes all - from the infantrymen to the commanding officers - to experience life and preserve it. We don't have to be theologians to follow the dictates of a higher power. The truth is, we just have to be ourselves. We have to fight through the opposition of our own defects and the defects of others, believing that the King knows what's best. Even when it seems illogical, irrelevant, and against the norm, we believe that the King knows the best route to go.
Today's Actions: In what way are we most wired to contribute life to the world? In other words, what are we most passionate about? Are we trusting that something greater than ourselves gave us that passion, therefore it is good? Are we trusting that no matter what kind of opposition we face, that our passions are signals of where we're headed? For further thought on this, please visit: http://mysubplot.com
Monday, August 19, 2013
Welcome²
Jon dropped by
Ashley did too
Lollo did as well
Lollo was in Afghanistan
He was in Iraq
We talked about war
And service
I wanted to corner Jon
And talk about II Samuel
My brain was on fire
Saribell was chewing grass
With the weed eater
Kim had an idea
She was leaning
Chomping the bit
I wanted to smoke a cigarette
With Erin
Larry came over later
I ate okra
From his garden
I told him about MC²
Kaley is going on a date
Kovi is a video gamaholic
JR is shedding hair
Rubberbands everywhere
Today
For the first time
I know I had lost it
At least it looked that way
I was swinging a bible
At a hornet
That would not leave me alone
It was the only thing I had
I swung it
At a hornet
If the neighbors didn't know there was a hornet
Then they just saw a crazy man
Swinging II Samuel
At thin air
And don't tell me that there's not a wolf
In Kristen's house!
Mark is going to drop Rusty 2" tomorrow
I'm slated to help
I'll be Ted Nugent
Larry is going to help on Richard's car
Richard is cynical
And seems tired
It is 12:00a.m
Straight up
G'nite :-)
Ashley did too
Lollo did as well
Lollo was in Afghanistan
He was in Iraq
We talked about war
And service
I wanted to corner Jon
And talk about II Samuel
My brain was on fire
Saribell was chewing grass
With the weed eater
Kim had an idea
She was leaning
Chomping the bit
I wanted to smoke a cigarette
With Erin
Larry came over later
I ate okra
From his garden
I told him about MC²
Kaley is going on a date
Kovi is a video gamaholic
JR is shedding hair
Rubberbands everywhere
Today
For the first time
I know I had lost it
At least it looked that way
I was swinging a bible
At a hornet
That would not leave me alone
It was the only thing I had
---------------
- A bible -
---------------
I swung it
At a hornet
If the neighbors didn't know there was a hornet
Then they just saw a crazy man
Swinging II Samuel
At thin air
And don't tell me that there's not a wolf
In Kristen's house!
Mark is going to drop Rusty 2" tomorrow
I'm slated to help
I'll be Ted Nugent
Larry is going to help on Richard's car
Richard is cynical
And seems tired
It is 12:00a.m
Straight up
G'nite :-)
See For Yourself!
We have found the One!
Come with me, and see for yourself!
I have been watching you...
...what you see later will astound you..
before our journey is complete...
you will see heaven open...
We are inviting our friends
on a journey with us
They have been hurt
or jaded or turned off by other disciples
So we are just going to walk with them
and love them
and trust
that Jesus is on the journey with us and he
will turn the water to wine
will heal the sick and brokenhearted
will open the heavens
and reveal Himself
We don"t have to.
--Kim
Come with me, and see for yourself!
I have been watching you...
...what you see later will astound you..
before our journey is complete...
you will see heaven open...
We are inviting our friends
on a journey with us
They have been hurt
or jaded or turned off by other disciples
So we are just going to walk with them
and love them
and trust
that Jesus is on the journey with us and he
will turn the water to wine
will heal the sick and brokenhearted
will open the heavens
and reveal Himself
We don"t have to.
--Kim
Pedestal (Ordinary Time - Day 77)
2 Samuel 17:24-18:8
David
and his army are being tracked down, not by descendents of his arch
rival Saul, but by his own son Absalom. Absalom is power hungry, ready
to take over all of Israel. In fact, he has won over most of Israel
through deception.
Out of the hundreds of thousands of soldiers in the war, David can only see one - his son Absalom.
As David appoints the commanding officers to preside over each battalion, he gives each this message, loud enough for the soldiers to hear: "Be gentle on the young man Absalom."
In the heat of battle, David sees not an enemy, but his own son. He has no other choice but to fight, for he's avoided the conflict to the point of being backed up against a wall. He wants to join in the battle, but his army officers tell him that he's "worth ten thousand of them," and tell him he'd be of best service if he helped from the city.
My guess is that David would do anything to intersect Absalom in the forest where most of the fighting is taking place, get on his knees as he did with Saul, and make peace with his son - the power hungry commander of the Israeli army. But, that won't be happening. He has to let go, watch from the city, and wait for the inevitable.
Absalom is riding a mule through the forest, and gets caught in a low hanging tree branch. He's dangling "between heaven and earth," vulnerable to attack. Joab, David's presiding officer finds him there and sticks three knives into his heart, disregarding David's command of gentleness towards "the young man Absalom."
Withing this huge narrative of war, there is a side narrative of a father's love for his own. He doesn't see the rage, hatred, and power hunger of the one he loves, but the son he raised with his own hands. He doesn't see the deep resentment and thirst for revenge, but sees his own bloodline, his own flesh and blood - which raises a question - when we're at war, do we see ourselves in the folks we're at war
with?
If war is inevitable as this story suggests, is it not also possible that within the war narrative there is a much more intimate narrative?
Lets backtrack from physical battle and actual war between nations, since a lot of us aren't experiencing war. What about our normal, day-to-day confrontations with other people? That's probably more of a realistic application for the readers of this blog.
When we look into the eyes of our enemies, those people we have construed as our enemies at least, do we see bloodthirsty, hateful, power hungry predators? Do we see our own flesh and blood?
Or, lets look at it another way. We've all heard of the battle between good and evil, aka spiritual warfare. One might say that all around us there is a spiritual war waged all around us, and we must "put on the armor of God." We must dress ourselves in holy armor, ready to "fight for the truth at all costs." Whichever way we look at this concept of battle, whether it be actual man-to-man combat, the disagreement which turns into heated resentment, or spiritual warfare, there is a deeper narrative within: we are fighting against our own flesh and blood.
I've had countless confrontations in my life, and the natural result from confrontation is that I don't see human characteristics of the person I'm dealing with. All I see is a snapshot of hatred, opposition, and selfishness. I take what's inherently not human, and attribute the characteristics to the person I'm dealing with. That person becomes a symbol of all the things I can't stand, and I can be justified in my war. This only works for so long though, before I realize that the person I am fighting is myself. I'm fighting those parts in me that I hate, and I have constructed a statue in the form of another human being, and labeled it my enemy.
It's only when I realize that it's personal defects that
I'm fighting, and not flesh and blood, that I can look the person in
the eye and make the proper amends. It's only then that I realize the
the other person was never my enemy, but was a projected representation
of the things I hate most about myself. It's only then, that my
so-called enemies can come down off the pedestals that I've created for
them, and I can treat them as I would my own blood line - my own flesh
and blood.
Today's Action: Confrontation will happen today. The question is, will we realize that we're fighting against our own defects of character, not against other people?
Out of the hundreds of thousands of soldiers in the war, David can only see one - his son Absalom.
As David appoints the commanding officers to preside over each battalion, he gives each this message, loud enough for the soldiers to hear: "Be gentle on the young man Absalom."
In the heat of battle, David sees not an enemy, but his own son. He has no other choice but to fight, for he's avoided the conflict to the point of being backed up against a wall. He wants to join in the battle, but his army officers tell him that he's "worth ten thousand of them," and tell him he'd be of best service if he helped from the city.
My guess is that David would do anything to intersect Absalom in the forest where most of the fighting is taking place, get on his knees as he did with Saul, and make peace with his son - the power hungry commander of the Israeli army. But, that won't be happening. He has to let go, watch from the city, and wait for the inevitable.
Absalom is riding a mule through the forest, and gets caught in a low hanging tree branch. He's dangling "between heaven and earth," vulnerable to attack. Joab, David's presiding officer finds him there and sticks three knives into his heart, disregarding David's command of gentleness towards "the young man Absalom."
Withing this huge narrative of war, there is a side narrative of a father's love for his own. He doesn't see the rage, hatred, and power hunger of the one he loves, but the son he raised with his own hands. He doesn't see the deep resentment and thirst for revenge, but sees his own bloodline, his own flesh and blood - which raises a question - when we're at war, do we see ourselves in the folks we're at war
If war is inevitable as this story suggests, is it not also possible that within the war narrative there is a much more intimate narrative?
Lets backtrack from physical battle and actual war between nations, since a lot of us aren't experiencing war. What about our normal, day-to-day confrontations with other people? That's probably more of a realistic application for the readers of this blog.
When we look into the eyes of our enemies, those people we have construed as our enemies at least, do we see bloodthirsty, hateful, power hungry predators? Do we see our own flesh and blood?
Or, lets look at it another way. We've all heard of the battle between good and evil, aka spiritual warfare. One might say that all around us there is a spiritual war waged all around us, and we must "put on the armor of God." We must dress ourselves in holy armor, ready to "fight for the truth at all costs." Whichever way we look at this concept of battle, whether it be actual man-to-man combat, the disagreement which turns into heated resentment, or spiritual warfare, there is a deeper narrative within: we are fighting against our own flesh and blood.
I've had countless confrontations in my life, and the natural result from confrontation is that I don't see human characteristics of the person I'm dealing with. All I see is a snapshot of hatred, opposition, and selfishness. I take what's inherently not human, and attribute the characteristics to the person I'm dealing with. That person becomes a symbol of all the things I can't stand, and I can be justified in my war. This only works for so long though, before I realize that the person I am fighting is myself. I'm fighting those parts in me that I hate, and I have constructed a statue in the form of another human being, and labeled it my enemy.
Today's Action: Confrontation will happen today. The question is, will we realize that we're fighting against our own defects of character, not against other people?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Barking Dogs (Ordinary Time - Day 75)
2 Samuel 16:1-23
I
had a friend once who I was talking politics with. This person was
adamant about his version of the truth, and I tried explaining to him
that I am free, not because of what the government does for me, but
because I follow Jesus. As the conversation went along, I questioned his
assumption that the government was taking away all his rights.
In my opinion, my rights are not defined by the U.S. Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. They are defined by how well I apply the teachings of Jesus in my life. That's my belief system.
My friend started getting angry because I wouldn't tell him that my rights were being affected. I feel absolutely no threat from the government. I tried explaining that I believe that I am not reliant on the government or the Bill of Rights, but that God provides everything I need.
I could tell as I sat there that he was about to explode. His face turned beet red, and he let me have it. He shouted, "You know, why don't you just take your Jesus shit and shove it up your ass!" I had two options when he said this. I could come up with something that would fuel his rage even more, or I could stay confident in my belief that God was enough. So, I smiled. I sat there and smiled as he stormed out of the room. This was a success for me, because a few weeks earlier this happened, and the results were not as neat.
My friend and I got in an argument about something ridiculous. We talked over each other, and both our faces were beet red. We both stormed out of the room, and it turned personal. I got in his face, and he told me that if I came any closer he would beat the shit out of me. I said, "I'm not afraid of your ass. Hit me." I was just as pissed as he was. The angrier he got, the angrier I got. We fueled each other. I wanted to cut his throat, and he wanted to make hamburger meat out of my face.
Our confrontation was broken up by another friend, and we each paced around and let the steam off. I was by no means "over it." I hated him and I wanted to kill him.
After we cooled off a little bit, he came up to me and gave me a hug. He asked, "Are we good?"
I said, "Sure."
I wasn't good though. I had work to do. I did not want this to repeat itself the next time. I didn't want to be in a position where I wanted to kill him or fight him again. I didn't want to be so offended the next time. So, I let my anger build over the next few days until I couldn't handle it anymore. When I finally got to the point where I was ready to find out what my part was, I put the pen to the paper. What it came down to was this: what sparked everything was my initial desire to be in control. My plans felt threatened, which caused the argument. The argument led to the rage. The rage led me to get in his face.
After I found my part, I called him up and explained what I had done wrong. I told him that I was trying to control him, and I was wrong for doing so. Then, I asked if there was anything I could do to make it right. He told me to quit being defiant. It was very hard to hear the person who wanted to beat my head in tell me to quit being defiant. Everything in me wanted to resist and tell him he was wrong. But, he was right.
My amends to this person wasn't saying "I'm sorry," then walking away acting as if nothing ever happened. My amends was to practice allowing other people to believe what they want to believe.
The practice of forgiveness is not about words. It's not about asking someone to forgive me, or telling someone I forgive them. It's about taking a flawed part of me that affects other people, and letting God work on that area - practicing a new principle that leads to more freedom. In this case, the practice involved not trying to control someone I disagreed with. It was to listen, and sift through what I was listening to find anything useful.
This is how I was able to sit in that room, and smile while he said, "Take your Jesus stuff and shove it up your ass." I knew that if I try to inject my manipulative statements, I would really just be trying to control his beliefs, and that is futile. So, I smiled. When I walked away from that incident, I chose to consider the person as an acquaintance and not a friend. I wasn't angry, and I didn't feel the need to retaliate. My amends were in full swing.
When
we find ourselves still fuming after days or weeks of saying "I'm
sorry," it means there's more work to be done than what's already been
done. If we want freedom, and don't want to repeat the same problem over
and over, it means we have to find out what inside us is being set off
by someone else's remarks or actions. That is the key to forgiveness.
When we start acting on new principles that prevent us from being
offended the next time the same mean thing is said, we are living out
forgiveness.
Very rarely do words of apology go far. They may make me feel good in the moment, but the actual hurt is still there. The only way to find freedom from it is to point the finger at myself, and what I did wrong. Nine times out of ten, it has to do with fear. I'm afraid of my plans being threatened, or my security, or my finances, or my personal relationships. If I can figure this out, then I can find the key to sitting across from someone who's threatening and cursing, without having to jump in and do the same thing. I can sit with a smile, free from having to let someone else's words or actions dominate my words or actions.
In my opinion, my rights are not defined by the U.S. Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. They are defined by how well I apply the teachings of Jesus in my life. That's my belief system.
My friend started getting angry because I wouldn't tell him that my rights were being affected. I feel absolutely no threat from the government. I tried explaining that I believe that I am not reliant on the government or the Bill of Rights, but that God provides everything I need.
I could tell as I sat there that he was about to explode. His face turned beet red, and he let me have it. He shouted, "You know, why don't you just take your Jesus shit and shove it up your ass!" I had two options when he said this. I could come up with something that would fuel his rage even more, or I could stay confident in my belief that God was enough. So, I smiled. I sat there and smiled as he stormed out of the room. This was a success for me, because a few weeks earlier this happened, and the results were not as neat.
My friend and I got in an argument about something ridiculous. We talked over each other, and both our faces were beet red. We both stormed out of the room, and it turned personal. I got in his face, and he told me that if I came any closer he would beat the shit out of me. I said, "I'm not afraid of your ass. Hit me." I was just as pissed as he was. The angrier he got, the angrier I got. We fueled each other. I wanted to cut his throat, and he wanted to make hamburger meat out of my face.
Our confrontation was broken up by another friend, and we each paced around and let the steam off. I was by no means "over it." I hated him and I wanted to kill him.
After we cooled off a little bit, he came up to me and gave me a hug. He asked, "Are we good?"
I said, "Sure."
I wasn't good though. I had work to do. I did not want this to repeat itself the next time. I didn't want to be in a position where I wanted to kill him or fight him again. I didn't want to be so offended the next time. So, I let my anger build over the next few days until I couldn't handle it anymore. When I finally got to the point where I was ready to find out what my part was, I put the pen to the paper. What it came down to was this: what sparked everything was my initial desire to be in control. My plans felt threatened, which caused the argument. The argument led to the rage. The rage led me to get in his face.
After I found my part, I called him up and explained what I had done wrong. I told him that I was trying to control him, and I was wrong for doing so. Then, I asked if there was anything I could do to make it right. He told me to quit being defiant. It was very hard to hear the person who wanted to beat my head in tell me to quit being defiant. Everything in me wanted to resist and tell him he was wrong. But, he was right.
My amends to this person wasn't saying "I'm sorry," then walking away acting as if nothing ever happened. My amends was to practice allowing other people to believe what they want to believe.
The practice of forgiveness is not about words. It's not about asking someone to forgive me, or telling someone I forgive them. It's about taking a flawed part of me that affects other people, and letting God work on that area - practicing a new principle that leads to more freedom. In this case, the practice involved not trying to control someone I disagreed with. It was to listen, and sift through what I was listening to find anything useful.
This is how I was able to sit in that room, and smile while he said, "Take your Jesus stuff and shove it up your ass." I knew that if I try to inject my manipulative statements, I would really just be trying to control his beliefs, and that is futile. So, I smiled. When I walked away from that incident, I chose to consider the person as an acquaintance and not a friend. I wasn't angry, and I didn't feel the need to retaliate. My amends were in full swing.
Very rarely do words of apology go far. They may make me feel good in the moment, but the actual hurt is still there. The only way to find freedom from it is to point the finger at myself, and what I did wrong. Nine times out of ten, it has to do with fear. I'm afraid of my plans being threatened, or my security, or my finances, or my personal relationships. If I can figure this out, then I can find the key to sitting across from someone who's threatening and cursing, without having to jump in and do the same thing. I can sit with a smile, free from having to let someone else's words or actions dominate my words or actions.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
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