The more I read the Bible, the more questions I have. The doubts about what I've formerly been taught surface, and I feel more and more convinced that the "truth" I've known for so many years is all based on literary fiction. The more I study, the more I feel inside me that there's a great conspiracy that's captured me. There's so little known about the characters in the Bible, that I'm starting to believe that they were created by great novelists who wanted their audience to see the world differently.
But then, there's the whole other question of: What about God?
The bible seems to be leading me more and more down a rabbit trail of knowledge. There's so many layers to be unpacked and so many truths to discover. Each time I take a layer off, I realize there's another hidden ever so slightly beneath it.
Trying to find out, for example, who Abraham was (if Abraham was even a real person) leads me not to truth but to assumptions. I wish I could travel to that era with a notebook and a pen, and walk with him and interview him, and ask him all the questions that my mind's been rattled with.
And the same with the gospels and the writers themselves. There's so little known about Jesus, yet masses of people have relied on the literary creations written by the four. Yet, barely anything outside the bible supports their written claims. Not to mention, they weren't around when Jesus was apparently living. And so, how a whole religion has been made around a man who we know nothing about boggles my mind.
But then, there's the whole other question of: What about God?
The other age-old question that I've heard in pointless debates over the years is, "What about people who've never heard of Jesus?" What happens to them?
Well, in order to hear about Jesus, one must look into this same book that seems to be leading me down one rabbit trail after another. Inquiry is the journey I'm on. I don't want to settle on "knowing the truth." I can't just read and accept anymore. To accept without question is doomed to deceive me in the long run. I've already gone that route, and I ended up resentful towards anyone who claimed to know the truth.
But then, there's the whole other question of: What about God?
Let's say we don't have a bible in front of us. We've heard people talk about Jesus and all the saints who went before him, but it was all word of mouth. Would you sacrifice your whole life based on what someone told you or would you question it and poke at it and find out for yourself what they really meant?
The concepts that have been built around Jesus are impossible to prove. You can't just verbally transmit them to someone else and expect that they are suddenly convinced of the same notions that you are. There's futility in verbally sharing this gospel without proof. How do you hope others will see the same truth when there's no evidence besides limited literary creations to back it up?
But then, there's the whole other question of: What about God?
Like I said in one of my previous posts, to the ancients, God represented this one underlying pattern that ordered all things. And while I question and continue to study the mysterious text called the Bible, there are things that happen outside of my studies. There are patterns. There are moments at which I can't deny that God is working within and without.
And the other night, I found this pattern at work:
My wife and I decided to go to a movie, which started at 10:15. We were waiting on our daughter's biological father to get home from work. If he didn't get home by 9:45, we would have to go to a later movie.
Father arrives at 9:30.
I decide to go to Walgreen's to get some snacks for the movie.
My wife says to go to Kroger. It's cheaper.
I get a sudden urge to go to the bathroom in Kroger.
Beside the entrance to the bathroom is a man sitting in the corner with a "Korean War Veteran" hat on.
I know who this man is. In fact, I've been looking for him for two days. He's homeless, and we've been trying to find him so we could help him out in any way we could.
We talk.
I call the owner of the restaurant I work at, because he's been helping him out.
He tells me to take the man to the restaurant to sleep on the couch.
So we go.
He needs to go to the VA on Monday.
My wife and I go to the VA every Monday already.
We're gonna meet him at the restaurant today at 4.
If all I had was the Bible, and not these continuous moments where things beyond my control play out before my eyes, I don't know if I'd have the faith that I have today. You see, I happened to be "spiritually awake" enough to see what was playing out. I could've easily disregarded my wife's decision to go to Kroger. I could've easily disregarded the man.
I could've said nothing when I saw him, and if I was spiritually asleep this probably would've been the case.
But at that moment, in that store, heading to that movie, getting those snacks, using that bathroom, seeing that man . . .
John 15:4 says, "Abide in me . . ."
While I'm sure there are many deep and hidden truths within these three words, my attempt to keep it simple leads me to rephrase it as so:
"Keep your spiritual eyes open."
God's at the center of the things I can't control, and the number of things I can't control is great. It's too many to count. But what my wife and I experienced the other night wasn't unique. This sort of thing happened many times before.
I'd be hard-pressed to believe that everyone else doesn't experience these moments as well - this reflection of how certain things came to play, and of how you happened to be in the right place at the right time. The stars aligned.
There's not a soul on earth who hasn't experienced a moment like we had the other night, where we felt that something bigger was at work in all of it. And another characteristic of that moment was this deep silence in our hearts. We didn't bother trying to explain it away, but let ourselves be carried by the awe of it. Our hearts called it a God experience, but our mouths stayed closed out of fear of playing it down as if it was just another thing.
And I would assume there's not a human being on earth who hasn't experienced one of these moments, where your heart is overflowing with awe and wonder but you know that if you open your mouth it may threaten to explain away the whole event. And so, you just sit, and let it sink in, and ponder it, and let it carry you.
Abide in me, and I in you.
Keep your spiritual eyes open, and I'll show you things you can't see otherwise.
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