All day yesterday, my mind was a jumbled mess.
From the time I woke up, I couldn't focus on God because I was so focused on someone else.
My anxiety caused my heart to feel like it was skipping beats. My prayers weren't working. My ability to get into the solution was nonexistent.
And so, on my way to work, I sent a litany of text messages telling this person what they needed to do, how they needed to live, and gave them a whole list of conditions.
I was convinced that if this person changed, then my problems would go away.
I wouldn't be facing the inner turmoil I was facing.
The problem was that even though I gave all these conditions, and set all these incentives, and gave this person the list of rules, my problems didn't ease.
My turmoil didn't stop.
My heart didn't stop skipping beats.
My anxiety didn't decrease.
What I was doing was taking the problems that were inside of me, and using them as fuel to make someone else the scapegoat. If they just do this . . . and this . . . and this . . . then everything will be better.
It wasn't until about 7:15 last night that the lights finally came on. Through a friend of mine talking about fear and how we take care of it, I finally saw that all of my texting and correcting and controlling was a selfish justification of my own problems.
I ended up calling this person later last night to make amends. I realized that I had tried to put my burdens on someone else, and it wasn't right.
When we have disruptions going on inside of our hearts, the world says that we need to change our surroundings, find a quick fix, realize that we are the victims.
How many of us go for days, months, and years, thinking that the world and its people have wronged us? And left it at that?
How many of us have become so irritable and restless in certain areas, having never even considered the thought that it could have been our own creation, based out of our own fear?
I was afraid of being taken advantage of, or, being humble.
But, the phrase being taken advantage of is in itself a perspective.
It's a mindset.
And so, if I carry around this fear then it's gonna set the ball rolling to make decisions (based out of that fear). It may look like making personal, generalized concepts like "I'm never gonna give money to the homeless," or "I'm never going to let someone borrow my car."
And so, out of this fear of being taken advantage of, we create these lists of rules that everyone around us has to follow. That way, they'll know not to do that when they're around me.
In my case, this fear crept up, and it snowballed into chaos quickly. And, when I woke up yesterday morning I was having thoughts of burning this person's stuff and creating a burden to put over their shoulders, because . . . how dare they.
Who am I to discipline someone else and avoid looking into myself to see what the real issues are?
If I'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of, then I've gotta find out why. I've gotta find out where my part is.
And my part yesterday looked something like this: I'm too afraid to let go of my money, my space, and my time.
Do I really trust God with what I've been given if I feel like I'm being taken advantage of all the time?
Do we really trust God with what we've been given if we feel like there's this constant feeling that people are gonna naturally take advantage of us every opportunity they get?
Humility in this case is being at peace with the concept that my stuff isn't mine. It's God's. I'm a temporary keeper of stuff, including money, housing, transportation, and bank accounts.
I'm a vessel designed to carry this stuff to others who need it.
Today's Action: Give unconditionally today, and pray while I'm doing it.
From the time I woke up, I couldn't focus on God because I was so focused on someone else.
My anxiety caused my heart to feel like it was skipping beats. My prayers weren't working. My ability to get into the solution was nonexistent.
And so, on my way to work, I sent a litany of text messages telling this person what they needed to do, how they needed to live, and gave them a whole list of conditions.
I was convinced that if this person changed, then my problems would go away.
I wouldn't be facing the inner turmoil I was facing.
The problem was that even though I gave all these conditions, and set all these incentives, and gave this person the list of rules, my problems didn't ease.
My turmoil didn't stop.
My heart didn't stop skipping beats.
My anxiety didn't decrease.
What I was doing was taking the problems that were inside of me, and using them as fuel to make someone else the scapegoat. If they just do this . . . and this . . . and this . . . then everything will be better.
It wasn't until about 7:15 last night that the lights finally came on. Through a friend of mine talking about fear and how we take care of it, I finally saw that all of my texting and correcting and controlling was a selfish justification of my own problems.
I ended up calling this person later last night to make amends. I realized that I had tried to put my burdens on someone else, and it wasn't right.
When we have disruptions going on inside of our hearts, the world says that we need to change our surroundings, find a quick fix, realize that we are the victims.
How many of us go for days, months, and years, thinking that the world and its people have wronged us? And left it at that?
How many of us have become so irritable and restless in certain areas, having never even considered the thought that it could have been our own creation, based out of our own fear?
I was afraid of being taken advantage of, or, being humble.
But, the phrase being taken advantage of is in itself a perspective.
It's a mindset.
And so, if I carry around this fear then it's gonna set the ball rolling to make decisions (based out of that fear). It may look like making personal, generalized concepts like "I'm never gonna give money to the homeless," or "I'm never going to let someone borrow my car."
And so, out of this fear of being taken advantage of, we create these lists of rules that everyone around us has to follow. That way, they'll know not to do that when they're around me.
In my case, this fear crept up, and it snowballed into chaos quickly. And, when I woke up yesterday morning I was having thoughts of burning this person's stuff and creating a burden to put over their shoulders, because . . . how dare they.
Who am I to discipline someone else and avoid looking into myself to see what the real issues are?
If I'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of, then I've gotta find out why. I've gotta find out where my part is.
And my part yesterday looked something like this: I'm too afraid to let go of my money, my space, and my time.
Do I really trust God with what I've been given if I feel like I'm being taken advantage of all the time?
Do we really trust God with what we've been given if we feel like there's this constant feeling that people are gonna naturally take advantage of us every opportunity they get?
Humility in this case is being at peace with the concept that my stuff isn't mine. It's God's. I'm a temporary keeper of stuff, including money, housing, transportation, and bank accounts.
I'm a vessel designed to carry this stuff to others who need it.
Today's Action: Give unconditionally today, and pray while I'm doing it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou will probably disagree with me, and I may be wrong, but I don't think it is un-Christlike to have boundaries and expectations of others, especially when they are living with you.
ReplyDelete